Random Ramblings...

How is it that in the world we can always be surrounded by people, yet feel so alone? Lately I have this overwhelming sense of alienation and it makes me wonder what am I doing wrong. I seem to go over and above the call of duty in every situation and aspect of my life, yet at the end of the day I have nothing there cheering me on or making me feel like all my efforts are appreciated. Being the type of person I am it is extremely frustrating to me how someone cannot verbalize their thoughts or feelings... I realize we cannot all be out there how I am... don't those people realize that us go getter's in life need to feel appreciated to? I guess what I am saying is why is it that the ones that need affection, adoration and to know they are doing a good job never get it? I am not asking the world to kiss my ass or even those close to me... Perhaps I am just seeking answers. A thank you... a hug... flowers... a card written with thought... a kind word or smile... these are the things in life I work so hard to strive for and never seem to get. I guess they are right when they say those who do the most, receive the least...

Hello... Sorry I have been away!

So my fabulous readers...

I have taken a month to refind myself... gotten rid of some negative baggage and really started enjoying life. Now I feel that my writing is going to come from an honest place... I finally decided to take my own advice <3

I love you all!

Not interested until it's gone...

Recently

Changes....

As time seems to keep passing by I look up and see less and less faces still on my journey with me. I realize that people need to grow and change in life and that people do that at different paces and go in different directions... but sometimes I feel like I am on my own set of train tracks. Am I changing so much that I no longer have anything in common with people I care dearly for... or is everyone else just fading into the background? I have a lot of love and time to give to people and have always been that type of person that can mingle in any crowd. Recently though I feel like an odd ducky... am I just in my own little world here? Perhaps... maybe I have finally hit that wall that everyone eventually does when they make decisions in life that most people are not ready to. I admit that I can be to focused and driven, but I wouldn't be myself if I just let my world swallow me whole... I need to be in control of it and be on top of the mountain. Not that being on top is a bad things... especially if your boobs are the size of most people's heads... personally I do not want to die of asphyxiation by my own hand LOL or boobs... anyway getting back to reality for a minute... I just cannot help but think what the hell. Why is it a bad thing to be determined and just want time from people. I never expect anything from anyone but time and respect. I apologize for the fact that I hold people accountable for their actions... I feel that if you really want to be a good friend following through with actions really will not be that bad of a thing... maybe on the other hand it is and that is one of my biggest downfalls. I suppose the average person does not follow through with things and that is one of the things that makes them average... is it a character flaw that I feel bad when I let someone down and only ask the same respect of others when it comes to my time and feelings? I suppose that if that is the major personality flaw I have... I must be doing pretty well in life. (or at least that is what I am going to tell myself)

The thing that baffles my mind the most this last few years is friendship and changes. I have had a lot of friends come and go... and been there for weddings, funerals and divorces... children, boyfriends, movings, career changes and through seeing all my friends' lives... I have seen happiness, sadness and all that comes between. With all of this knowledge comes burdens... the burden to always do the right thing and be there for them... even though I know I am just another stop on the bumpy plane ride of life.... a busy airport terminal that people come and go from... not looking back unless their path crosses mine again. I do not mind this role in life..... I just wish people would realize that I am human too. My heart breaks just as easy as others... more so sometimes I fear... I just wish that people understood that even if everyone always appears to have everything together all the time... a few kinds words and a hug can do wonders. Human contact and affection is something that can never be replaced. :-) Not everything is as it always seems and sometimes taking that step back and pause in life is the one thing that will save you from negativity and heart ache. Cherish those closest to you in life and remember that all roads in life are two way streets... you bump into people from time to time... accidents, pot holes and deer may run into you... but at the end of the day you can choose how you want to react to those obstacles. Change can bring positivity and light that you may have never had in life and you never know which direction the road is going to go... all you can do is simply follow it and learn from mistakes.

Respect and Honesty...

So recently I have finally began to look at my life openly and honestly with regard to the people in my life and how those people interact with me. A lot of times people say that you need to love yourself first before you can love anyone else... same goes with respect and honesty... you need to have enough respect for yourself to be honest with yourself... then those two things will follow you in daily activities. With that said... reality has set in deeply... when I have taken a step back, it has allowed me a glimpse into the lives of those around me (near and far) and it really is not very pretty. The hardest concept for me to grasp is the fact that very few people in this world do not know what it is to just be a friend to someone... not try and use someone for some sort of advantage... or purpose, but really just being there for someone, even if it means just hugging them or listening to them cry for a moment on the phone. When did we become so empty as humans... what has caused this shift? Why are we so spoiled and selfish? Am I the last of a dying, pathetic breed that would rather die doing the right thing... being alone and always trying to be there for everyone else... getting used up to the last drop... left empty to crack?

The biggest problem I have with the human race right now is the general lack of respect and follow through. I have absolutely no problem if someone does not like me... I do not even care if they have a legitimate reason... not everyone is meant to be friends. It is what it is... the problem I have is if you say you are going to do something just do it... or if you have no intention of doing it either be honest with the person and just tell them no... or have enough respect for the person to let them know you just cannot do it... make up a shitty excuse... who cares, just be a big enough person to show someone respect so they are not sitting there alone waiting with their thumb up their ass. They say loneliness breaks a persons' spirit, but that is not the case. A person can function just fine on their own little path... be their very own ray of sunshine in life... it's only when a person takes that leap of faith to just have human contact that derails their spirit... even breaking it. What is so difficult for the average human to understand about friendship (or relationships of any kind in life - family etc)? As humans our basic instinct is to nurture and protect... so why must we spend so much time tearing each other down and break each other to the ground. If people spent half the time on positivity as they do on negativity... honesty, truth, respect, love... the world would be very different right now. As a race we have undone thousands of years of traditions and kindness as people in 4 generations... how is this possible?

Maybe there is just something inherently wrong with me? Am I so odd of a person to not expect items or gifts of people... no advancement in society... just time. My whole life I have been seeking acceptance and time from people and I keep getting the same responses from people... I am too nice, I expect too much from people... I should know better than to rely on anyone... people are inherently bad... you cannot change anyone... you need to learn to appease people more often... don't set your sights so high and people won't disappoint you as often. Really? What the fuck?! How are any of those statements ok in life? When should it be ok to settle in life with anything... don't get me wrong I do believe some people are lost causes and never will change, but in my heart I truly feel if someone wants a different life they can have it... they just need to be honest and respect themselves enough to see their flaws and how to improve as a person. It is easy to give someone something... a gift... etc... but why is it so hard to give each other a piece of ourselves? Let's be honest with ourselves for who we are and what we want out of life and start giving people respect as another human being to be who they are and do what they want. Respect each other enough to know we want different things in life... we are not all mean to be friends, but we can still respect our differences to enjoy all aspects of life.

One Night In Klamath...

For those of you not familiar with good ol' Klamath Falls... you cannot imagine the type of nightlife we have here. It is like a random mish mash of every group of people you can imagine all in a 3 block radius downtown.... you have your snobby bitches, the cool kids that never grew up, the alcoholics, the druggies, the crack whores, the ex strippers, the emo rejects, the jock rejects that now pump gas and have 12 baby mamas, the ravers, the hip hoppers, the skaters, the potheads, the trailer trash and the 'beautiful people'... usually when you go to different towns these people never mingle together. I suppose that is something unique we have here... usually there is a specific order in which people go out... it starts at El Palacio... everyone moves over around 1030 to Waldo's then disperse to Aftershock, Legends and the Alibi throughout the night.

So last night James and his GF came down from Bend to hang out for the night... the dragged me out! So... we decided to go to Waldos. Upon our arrival, 4 of Klamath's finest in Blue show up to question people about a crime/murder that happened in the area. It really wouldn't be a night out at Waldos without some sort of Police action - though police don't usually show up until around 1.. and I am home by then :-) As the evening went on the randomness increased 10 fold! We saw a camera guy coming into Waldos following some ex stripper turned crack head/alcoholic... she said she was filming for a reality show. After talking to the camera guy, we deduced that the show could only be one thing... that's right folks... Intervention. Well maybe not exactly that show, but something like it... that girl was a hot mess! So about 10:30 all the snobby bitches, 'beautiful people' and skanky assclowns began to make their way over from El Palacio. At that point we decided to bounce. We went toe the CAK for the 'house party'. It was sooo much fun... all the random ravers and emo kids were dancing their little hearts out. I had a ton of fun shakin it and fist pumping Jersey Shore style! I absolutely hate regular clubs that only play hip hop crap, but house and trance music is the bomb! I guess they are having house dances every week now. I think it is a good thing because a lot of the kids there are like 18-20 and just want to have drama free fun... also not a normal concept in Ktown!

Well... that about summed up the evening... it just cracks me up about our town and the randomness of every evening. It reminds me of why I rarely go out and the fact that I hate judgemental, drama filled people :-)

For the last month I have had a lot of emotions and memories brought to the surface by certain events... feelings can be a bitch! The good thing about feeling something is knowing that you are first off still alive and secondly... you have depth. When you feel something, whether it is good or bad, it shows that you can step back and look at a situation and be moved somehow by it. So this has been my past month... feeling... remembering and focusing on what I truly want from life. I think that is something everyone should do from time to time... it keeps us grounded and focused on what things in our life really matter... and by things I am not talking about physical items.

I had the pleasure of watching my best friend get married to the love of her life... most of you who know me would think I am not extremely emotional... I totally broke down in tears during her wedding. I can't wait to see the aweful picture of me as a teary blubbering mess... should be pretty awesome LOL I did not realize seeing love it it purest form and seeing one of the most important people in my life sublimbly happy could bring me to tears. Most of the time I guard my emotions and feelings because they weaken you... open you up to hurt and pain...

Tattoos

Ok so anytime someone comes up to me and asks me about my tattoos and wants to know the meaning I get annoyed after awhile. I know I shouldn't, but really who cares what they mean... I got them for me... not you... and I don't give a shit what you think :-) But, for those Friends that actually care and want to know the real meaning behind them... this is the one time I will elaborate for you ~

Starting from the very beginning when I was 18... I got a butterfly on my shoulder. Very 1st one! It was an exciting time for me in life... I had graduated high school early and was exploring who I really was as a person... at that time I felt like a caterpillar coming out of my shell and emerged this beautiful butterfly. For the longest time I was afraid of who I was and not proud to be that person. That tattoo was the 1st step to opening myself up and discovering who I was to become as a person

The next tattoo came when I was 21... after several years of being lost. The 3 years when I was away from home on my own were amazing and terrifying all the same. I was walking a thin line between being good and just falling of the wagon... if I would have stayed there I would have had a serious issue with alcohol after awhile. Hence why I rarely drink... I do not like to get out of control I like things to be balanced... all things in life must be balanced in life. Hence the trinity symbol. I consider myself to be religious, but for my views on religion go read my other blog :-) The Trinity of course stands to the father, the son and the holy spirit. For me it is an interlocking symbol of life.. good, bad and everything else. It reminds me that if things are bad there is always worse and better... when things are good they should not be taken advantage of because they can be taken away in a second. It keeps me grounded and reminds me to always be a well rounded person. Everything we do in life is connected.

Next came my forearms... the first of butterflies flying up my left arm. Butterflies are very special to me because the symbolize change, beauty, strength and independence. Things that I am and have embraced in my life. It takes a lot of strength to embrace the beauty inside and outside oneself and to be strong enough to stand on your own proud of the beauty. It has taken a lot of inner strength to grown from past follies and experiences... embracing the changes that come in life and standing proud... not running scared. It is a lot easier in life to take the cowards way out... I am not saying that actually fighting is the answer to life's problems... I am saying standing up for who you are and what you believe in while embracing life is how it should be done. We are all afraid of how was will be perceived or looked at even if we say we do not care... we are humans and it is only natural. It is what we do with that negative energy that can make us special in this world.

This one is on my right wrist... it was done of of a sketch someone did... not exactly like it of course, but we hit a rough patch in our relationship and ended things... I got the tattoo to remind me that if you love something you need to set it free and if it was yours to begin with it will return. I never really understood that concept until recently. Every time I look at it I remember I need to just take a step back from time to time and allow things to just happen instead of trying to plan my whole life out step by step. As most of you close to me know I tend to control everything around because it makes me feel safe. When I am in control of things I do not feel vulnerable or weak. I am trying to find balance in life with each day.

Next comes Hello Kitty... this one really has no specific meaning behind it. I just love Hello Kitty... she is always so happy and fun... I have always loved her! Whenever I look down and am having a bad day it just makes me smile :-) Seriously how can you not giggle when you see Hello Kitty looking back at you on your arm. I made her strong and slightly different... she has a bit of an edge which is similar to me as a person. I also love cats and it makes me think of my baby fuzz butts. Animals in general have a real ken sense of love and hurt... they always come to me when I need a hug and just sit there patiently letting me know it's alright... at least until the man can :-)She is tough but very girlie all in the same token... that is how I try to live my life... I like being feminine and I truly love being a woman, but I am not weak... that is what my Hello Kitty says to me.

Next comes Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas. I suppose see myself as Sally in a way... she was crafted to be this perfect being... don't get me wrong I had as good of childhood as the next person, but standards were so high for me I never felt like I could reach them. On the inside I felt like I had been stitched up for all the hurt and torment of my past. Sally always ends up doing the right thing and trying to help people even though those around her try to bring her down. She is only searching for acceptance in her crazy little world only to find she doesn't need any acceptance other than herself. Those around her like her for exactly who she is and her uniqueness ends up saving the day. She only wishes that her true love will come back to her and they can live happily ever after. In the end with patience and heroism it happens... She falls for the one person that see her for who she is but gets caught up so much in everything around him that they almost lose each other. She saves him in the end and he sees that everything he needed was right before his eyes the entire time. I feel exactly like that and hope that my 'jack' and I will have our happy ending now too.

Finally come the star... a star is a symbol for protection... so I wanted to be protected always. I also want to remember a few simple words to guide me through life safely. I feel that no matter what goes on in life if you can live your life by those words everything will work out in the end. Above all one must have love in life... love makes all things possible. When you love someone you give up your right to make stupid decisions because it's not just you anymore. This can be as simple as family, friends or a pet, but having love in your life stripes selfishness and stupidity to the core. Now to love something/someone correctly you need faith, hope, truth and courage. Faith in yourself and your partner to make the right decisions... hope that everything will work out correctly in hard times, truth to keep trust and open communication and courage to let your walls down and just let love be in your heart and guide your life. These are all things I believe in and I hope when other people see that tattoo they are reminded as well.

This one is a cover up of the very 1st tattoo I ever had done when I was 18. It was a tony blue butterfly that was not done well. It wa my 1st taste of ink... now covered by a badass deathfly. Butterflies to be are always special because my life is very much that of a butterfly... trapped in my younger days as a caterpiller... cocooned myself to find who I am meant to be in life and released several years later from my own prision to fly and be free... be amazing and special... A death fly or skull fly to me shows the beauty of something that is perceived dark and evil... a lot of people look at me and assume I am dark and evil LOL and the roses are there to show strength and femininity.


This one is very special to me because music is the one thing that has always been there in my life. It is the one thing that is true... it can get you through bad times... it can know exactly what to say to make everything better. n short, music is my drug and what has always understood me. I would not be where I am today without it. When I was growing up I played the clarinet... most people to do know that about me unless you were there. It was my escape from the hell known as public school with all the clicks and all the judging. Thank god for band class... for real!

This is a continuation of the muic notes... because for me music is the heartbeat of life... without music my soul would be empty.

This is one of my favorite ones because it has so many meanings. Anyone that as known me a long time knows I was obsessed with ancient Egyptians ever since I was young. I always dreamt of being Cleopatra... I have always been strong and a leader... so it made sense to me :-) The Eye of Horus is a symbol of protection, royal power and good health. All good things to want. It was also used on burial sites to ward off evil... also quit fitting in my life. I love color so the colors are there to be pretty, but also to remind me to see all spectrums of things before jumping to conclusions... not all things in life and black in life... there are not 2 sides to every story.


My most recent tattoo has a deep meaning... The rose first is a symbol of strength. This is me... and I am strong... but the roses has cracks in it from yeas of things happening that should not have. The cracks remind me that yes I am strong, but we all have moments of weakness that may haunt our past. The great thing about seeing those cracks is I know they are in the past and with a constant reminder I will never repeat any previous mistakes. The racks also remind me of my terrible love life.... I have yet to meet someone that doesn't just want something from me, but wants to share their life with me. That is why my heart is now locked down. I remember my past and learn from it... and anyone that wishes to share their life with me will need to help unlock my heart... as there is just darkness behind the keyhole right now...

My newest one has been a long time coming. I truly feel like I am a voodoo doll sometimes... people always trying to push the pins in, waiting for me to fail, trying to make me fail, setting expectations too high, hating any small successes I have and bring guilt to me for those successes. My life may look simple, but can you even begin to fathom how hard it is to make it look that easy. You people have no clue! The thing about it is that I would't have it any other way... who I feel sorry for are the ones that poke pins into me... does your life suck that much you just want to see someone else fail epically? The thing is... I am human and fail everyday. Yes EVERYDAY. There are marks left behind everyday from people being hurtful for many reasons, my heart is broken and empty for false love and hopes from the past... I am am just doing the very best everyday that I can to be the best possible version of myself and try and make a spot for mysef in this fucked up world that will leave a positive memory or change to even one person each day.


So now you know... so stop asking :-) On a serious note though I think that whenever I get a tattoo it is a way for me to express a part of myself or overcome something in my life... make a memory of past decisions that have allowed me to grow into the person I am. If we do not learn from or move on from our past we can never evolve as a person in the future.

Open Heart/Open Mind

So recently I have been having memories from several years ago... like almost 10 years ago. It is quite odd to me only for the fact that I have repressed many of these memories, not on purpose, but I just was unable to remember part of my life. May seem strange to some, but kind of how I have been. I am not sure why these memories have been emerging, but in a way I am glad. To truly move on in life we need to remember our past, reconcile any issues we have had and then face our future with a clear heart and mind. For this I am grateful! Maybe it has been the time I have spent away on vacation that has allowed me to clear everything out, but for once I truly feel this is where I am suppose to be and moving in the direction I want to move as a person.

I have been catching up on some reality shows I recorded when I was on vacation and if you really watch them with an open mind you can actually learn something from them! I watched Tough Love Couples with Steve Ward... that dude is no joke... he lays it all on the line and is down right honest. From watching that show I actually see maybe why some of my relationships have been so rocky (not just because some of them were lame ass drug addict piece of shit motherfuckers). I tend to have a hard time trusting people and letting the negative go. This is a personal struggle for me and one that takes time to repair. I know how I react to certain situations and I need to remember just because something happened in the past, does not mean it is going to happen in the future. We are all human, including myself, and second chances need to be given with an open heart and open mind if love is really going to flourish. If something is worth that love, then those steps need to be taken or love will vanish...

Vegas... Final Post

Ok - Vegas is bitchin' people! And by bitchin' I mean totally fucking awesome! It is much different trip for me this time though... I am not looking for anything... just having fun with Sally and spending time with my Brother. As I get older I realize the most important things to me are family and friends because at the end of the day if the whole world goes to shit, that is all you have.

I have had a lot of great food in Vegas... pasta galore and cheesecake :-) Ryan/Ellen and I went to the most amazing restaurant I have ever been to in my life! It over looked the airport and the strip... I had an amazing concoction of pasta and fillet Minot... melted in my mouth like butter! The best part of the restaurant would have to be the service... this was the type of restaurant with old school service, class and style. The maitre d' greets you and accompanies you to your table... kisses your cheeks and pulls your chair out for you... places the napkin in your lap. Then a gentleman bring waters and drink for the table... someone else brings the salads, another the entree and another brings the dessert. The manager stops at each table for a few genuine moments to make sure everything is absolutely perfect and when you leave yo feel like a million bucks. I am not one for fancy restaurants where you need to dress up, but this was a great experience. Usually when you go to a swanky joint, they make you feel less than worthy to dine there, but this place made you feel special. That is how I strive to be with the clients I have at my office... welcomed, well cared for and like a million bucks when hey leave. It was amazing to have that kind of excellence, since it is so rare in this day and age.

The day after the amazing dinner Ryan and I went up to Mount Charleston for lunch. This place is less than an hour away from Las Vegas and it is like a magical castle hidden away in the hills. There was still a lot of snow up on it and the lodge/cabins were so cute and quaint! It was like being up on a cloud and floating above everything... time stood still and my brother and I were able to just laugh and reminisce about things of the past. I always feel so good when I can spend time with my brother. Besides the one I love, he is the only one that seems to truly get me and understand me as a person... it is refreshing :-)

The last part of my trip I took a few days to do absolutely nothing... then I got 2 new tattoos. There is something so meditative about getting tattooed that I love. The pain releases a lot of pent up sadness, anger and hurt in my life. Whenever I am able to get work done I truly feel little weights lifted off of me and floating above the world. It is an experience that always seem to clear my head and focus me on exactly what I need in life at that moment. Friends and family are what I am focused on right now and myself... I am going to focus on being the best possible version of myself I can be...

Vegas Day 2

Wow is all I can say about Vegas at this point... not because we have done anything spectacular, but simply for having fun no matter where we are. Sally and I had dinner with my brother and Ellen tonight... it was a ton of fun! Our poor waiter is all I can say... he thought I was a totally looney toon! Hmmm perhaps I am one :-) Every time he came back to the table we were laughing our asses off at random conversation.... apparently Ryan thinks Oprah is a lesbian... I mean go for it I suppose... Ricky Martin just came out so what the hell. Then the conversation turned from lesbians to having money in the bank.... and by bank I mean asshole and by money I mean someones cock... there will be no withdrawals or deposits in the Bank of Jessica. From that I decided it would be funny to make money condoms... that way there literally could be money in the bank... that turned into Ryan and Ellen thinking I should start my own adult novelty products. The final straw at dinner somehow lead everyone to agreeing I should become a porn script writer because I am so creative and apparently everything that comes out of my mouth is dripping in sexual innuendos. I guess if I get bored that can be my weekend job LOL. How funny for my brother to say that. So, needless to say we were laughing our asses off. It was a lovely dinner and good to see Ryan. Dude he needs a serious haircut... He is starting to look like Snidley Whiplash from one of those 70's cartoons..... funny right!?

Sally and I decided to make our way back to the strip after dinner on the way back to the condo... all kinds of crazy people were walking the streets already and we had some interesting characters pull up next to us in the bumper to bumper traffic. We pulled up to the nasty hooptie ride and the driver is like yo ma... yo sup? OMG really?! I need to give him credit... Sally and I laughed for a good couple of days off his pickup line.... "Hey baby... my name is Paco and I want to eat your taco" Really bro... thank God I had my ring on my finger... I told him I didn't think my husband would like that very much and Sally didn't have an excuse so we switched lanes quick LOL - Yeah I am not really married, but it felt good to say :-) Glad I have a sweet man in my life that knows I am there for him 100%. After we got away from Paco the taco eater... we pulled up next to this limo full of tons of shitfaced guys.... They were all in there mid 30s I would have guessed and they proceed to ask me if I would be their cougar. WTF... first of all ewww, but seriously I am only 26... how the fuck can I be a cougar... I proceed to give them a piece of my mind and they proceeded to roll their window up :-) People crack me up and my favorite part of Vegas really is people watching!

So we made it back to the condo and decided to get dolled up and make our way down the trip on foot. All kinds of crazies were out and we ended up walking a good 4-5 miles that night... from Caesar's Palace to New York, New York and everything between. The city is really pretty at night, but very strange. Of all the city's I have been to, Vegas is one of the cleanest. Late at night they have power washing crews that wash the streets, sidewalks and over passes of the entire strip... the whole city is constantly pristine and clean... One of the only benefits of Vegas I think. The night ended very relaxing and with a ride from a very nice driver. The service people are so kind in Vegas :-)

Vegas... Getting there/Day 1

Ok so it has been a little bit since I have gone on a real vacation right people... so I have made my way to the fabulous Las Vegas Nevada. It is just a quick 11.5 hour drive down through barren open lands... which actually are quite beautiful. I am a road warrior... I only stop 3 times... when I am going somewhere I just like to get there and not fuss about everything. It was a pretty smooth trip down though and it was nice to clear my head and focus on myself for once. I got up at 3am and finished packing.. got ready and was on the road at 430am... pulled into Vegas at approximately 345pm... then got stuck in traffic on the 15 south for about 30 minutes.... nightmare! But all in all and smooth trip and good time was made :-) On the way down I say a lot of places closes from the economy in that smaller towns... it was kind of sad because I know it is going to be awhile before things turn around here too. The thing that surprised me the most way the whore houses... of all the lady ranches I passed only 1 was still open... what is the world coming to when people do not even have money to keep brothels open... I mean really LOL. Seriously though it makes me feel very blessed to be able to have a roof over my head on a daily basis and be able to take time of and go on a vacation... even if I do not have money to spend while on vacation... this is Vegas... plenty to do for free :-) Ok so confession... I brought a ton of alcohol with me.... just a perk of being able to drive here :-) that was I can people watch have fun and be sauced without it costing a penny... I have been hoarding good vodka in my freezer for like a year now... figured this was as good of time as any to use it :-)

Ok so once I arrived in Vegas I met up with the fabulous Sally Sloan (Brown)... we got ourselves put together and made our way (stumbled) to the strip. There were some crazy ladies on the shuttle from the condo with us... this lady was awesome... just like me... no filter on anything she says. Made me laugh so much! So I guess it is true people... I am a sassy black woman trapped in some white bitches body LOL I now understand myself...this is a thing of beauty to know :-). We arrived at the fabulous Caesar's Palace... we found out Caesar moved out last year after the Hangover movie came out because too many people were stalking him :-) Ok maybe not, but it sounds good. There was a line around the block to get into Pure night club and everyone was rude so we said fuck it and just started wandering around the forum shops... somehow we ended up outside and down the street to the Venetian... Tao night club had a line all the way out past the shops where the gondola rides are.... and everyone was dressed like a total ho... we were dressed ho casual with jeans and slutty shirts... apparently that was not good enough for Vegas LOL. I thought so but whatever. We made our way to the Grand Luxe cafe for a midnight snack and drinks... good drinks! Somehow we stumbled around and met a bunch of people until about 2 am when this town car driver swooped us up and brought us home. Very nice guy! I am very lucky to meet good genuine people when in Vegas.

I just want to say sorry to anyone I drunk texted or dialed last night... love you all! Tonight is round 2 and I am excited to go to a few new places we have not been yet and meet more people :-)

Hello and Sorry...

Hello all you fabulous people! I want to say I am terribly sorry for not posting very much (ok well at all) for like a month now. You know how sometimes your life just consumes you and you feel like you are being pulled in 39.7 million different directions... well that has been me recently. I just have been in a very internalized mode and really focusing on myself. Sometimes I feel it is important to withdraw oneself from society for a moment to just refocus and center everything. We all get so caught up in the moment of our own selfish desires it is good to just step back and really focus on the priorities in our own lives. For me my priorities are my family, exploring love and my future with the person who makes me feel most like myself, my health and encouraging those around me in positive ways. Now most people reading this are like wtf... captain potty mouth bitch thinks she is Dr. fuckin Phil... well bitches I am as close as it gets... but my tits are bigger and my hair is much fuller LOL Seriously though... how often do we get a chance to reflect on exactly how we touch people's lives, how we make ourselves feel and what we can do to either change the results or move forward full steam ahead. I know this is hard for everyone in this economy... but the beauty of this situation is what does not kill us does truly make is stronger. We find as people that the less money we spend on items... the more we reach out to other people to interact and entertain us... It is how people in the olden days did it with no tv's... cell phone... etc. The world is just putting all it's inhabitants in check... we have become spoiled and bratty... if something isn't how we like it we just throw money at the problem or throw and tantrum and it is fixed. Now people are doing things for themselves again... finding inner strength and confidence that we have not had for a long while. Times like these really show us as people what we are made of. For me it has been a hard look in the mirror the last few years. I grew up quite comfortable... my family always made sure I had the best of everything and made sure the right tools were available for me to succeed. When I was 18/19 I had grown into the mindset that I was to be given everything... I 'deserved' it. For that it was really hard to look at myself and be proud of what I saw in the mirror. It is never hard to face what we are or were in life. I am truly blessed to have the family I do... even when I was ugly to them they kept being supportive and pushing me to make good decisions. Now most of you who have known me a long time realize I have not always made good decisions, but I was never a troublemaker... I just liked to push the boundaries a bit :-) The guilt I have felt for my behavior and attitude for those years is indescribable and unexcused. The only good thing I can say is I learned from my past and have now become the 'well adjusted' person I am today. To anyone that feels like that were never given a fair chance in life or never had it good... take a look in the mirror.. just because you were not handed something does not mean you are not capable of making something of yourself or being positive in life. Every person has the same chance of succeeding in life... it is what you do with that chance that matters... and if you screw up you are only human... take that second chance if it comes around and never look back.

Sometimes looking in the mirror and realizing the truth is the only way to move on and focus on what is here and now.

Role Model...

When we think today of whom a role model should be what comes to mind…. Is it a celebrity or a family member… a coach… who is someone that influences your life in a positive way? The reason I ask is because recently we have seen a ton of celebrities falling off the wagon so to speak and not living up to an even sub-human status… cheating on wives, murder… drug assuage, etc etc… why do we hold celebrities up so high on pedestals for them to fall off? Why don’t more people focus on looking up to someone that is more tangible to them… someone that will actually be there for them as a role model and not someone that has just become famous by some random talent or sheer dumb luck. I guess I have always been lucky enough to have positive influences in my life from my family, friends and people that have touched me in different places of my life. I like knowing I have people in my life that help me stay focused… push me to always be the best I can be. Maybe the problem with celebrities being made to be role models is that they do not want people to look up to them. The thing is sometimes we cannot choose who looks up to us or what actions the will do. A lot of young people tend to follow celebrities and mimic things that they do to match those of their idol. Obviously we shouldn’t hold celebrities accountable for things people do because they want to be like them, but the celebrity needs to realize when they choose the job they do… they are automatically thrust into the spotlight and their lives are lived under a microscope to the world. The thing about this is that most celebrities end up living double lives… take Tiger Woods for example… yeah I am going to pick on Tiger… he has been leading a double life for several years now. At least he has stepped up to the plate and admitted what he has done. The thing is he is someone that had been a trailblazer for not only the sport of golf, but for African American sports figures in general. He has conned all of America into thinking he is an amazing person. The other side of the coin could be said that Tiger started this abnormal behavior after his father’s death. Look at the time line… he was absolutely perfect at everything he did for years… over a decade in the spotlight and no tarnish on his image. Then we see him unravel in front of everyone… a man broken only by jealousy of his lover’s. I mean seriously LOL When I was 18 I dated 2 guys at the same time and it was exhausting! How the hell did he have time for 5 or 6 or 7… for almost 4 years and having a wife and kids and being the leading golfer of all time? Sometimes I think we all need to realize that celebrities are just like us… human for the most part and also held at a higher standard because they are in the spotlight. I guess in a way it is a double standard for us to make celebrities into something they do not want to be and also when many of us are or have done the things they are doing… our lives are not blast all over the internet or tv either. If we shit the wrong way or go drinking one night in Vegas it doesn’t end up on TMZ the next day. Being a celebrity can open up a lot of doors, but it also closes the right for you to be a normal person and do normal things. The thing is if you do not choose to be a role model whether you are famous or not, you need to realize as a human other humans are always seeking for something to believe in or look up to. This is why we should all try to be the best version of ourselves in life and not sweat the small stuff

I have been told many times that I am a good role model or I should watch the things I do because there are several people that are looking up to me. This is not a role I have chosen, but it is something to consider when doing daily things in life. I live my life honestly and focus on being the best version of myself on a daily basis. The thing is being myself also tends to be what some people would say is not a good a role model. I am me… loud both in spirit and being, silly, goofy, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, not a fashion model size, too tall, obnoxious, cuss like a sailor that married a logger and passionate about all I am. Just because someone is not the ideal vision of what a role model is, does that mean they are any less of a role model or that they are not a good person? I am gonna go with a no… I think someone like me that is successful and motivated can motivate other young people to be successful and embrace everything that they are in life. I think one of the biggest issues in our society these days is people trying to be something they are not because others around them are not accepting them for who they truly are. When I was in high school I always imagined being accepted by my peers, but let’s face it… the tall/fat/brainiac kid is not the first on the acceptance list. The thing I have found through the years is that the people that were the accepted crowd were the ones that were actually pretending to be something they are not and making everyone else buy into it. I have talked to a few people that were mean to me… some of them owned up to being insecure and were truly sorry whereas a few were still very much the same person. It actually makes me sad to think how empty of a life that must be still pretending to be something you are not to put on a show. Is that something celebrities do as well? Are they all just outing on a show and making everyone else buy into it. I love Lindsey Lohan, but the poor thing seems to always be into trouble… is this an act or truly a person crying out for help coming from a broken home? I guess we just need to remember we are all human and we all need a little love and a little help from time to time. Shit happens to even the best of us… that is just how life is. If there were never any challenges for us to overcome…how would we overcome anything and grow as individuals?

I guess what I am saying is we are all just people trying to do the best we can in life... when you are sad and think you are worthless... just remember that you may have someone watching you... looking up to you that motivates them or keeps them from doing something stupid. We are all connected in life and need to remember that in our daily actions. We all have bad days and sometimes we all just need a hug... remember that next time you see someone down that may need lifted up.

Religion & Politics....

As most of you know, I can be quite opinionated... on and off of the web :-) Recently though I have had requests to know exactly where I stand on some very specific topics... I always try to avoid these questions because I am not the sort of person that can give these answers with one word. So let's get to it shall we...

I grew up in rural America... and I am a registered Republican for the simple fact that I need to identify with a party to be able to vote in all elections. The Republican party is much closer in many ways to my beliefs. I grew up in and around my family's business... as a future small business owner taxes, required health care benefits etc are going to be very important to me. If the state expects all the mom and pop businesses of Oregon to finance all these new taxes that seem to get added every couple of years... we are all going to be one giant box store someday. One thing about Oregon is the majority of our voters live in our 3 largest cities in the northwest corner of the state. Most do not own companies, but instead work for corporate 'think tanks'... they do not know exactly how that will effect the other 75% of the state. It is very frustrating to sit and watch all this. Someday I may actually run for an office of some sort, so people of my generation can be heard to. Continuing down the Republican pipeline I am actually slightly conservative on a few other things... Integrity and honesty are things I strive for on a daily basis... small town values if you will... and I certainly do not know anyone more honest than me LOL. Some people reading this may be shitting a brick laughing.... laughing that I call myself conservative on any level. I support war when necessary... and even though GW Bush was a bit of a goofball I truly think he handled the 911 situation very well! I was at ground zero when they were still doing major clean up... seeing something like that after and all the devastation and destruction is life changing. It was like a bad dream on tv when we watched it, but seeing it in person was intense. Getting back to honesty... the thing most people (whether right or left) don't seem to do is be honest with themselves. It is truly a freeing experience and how I live my life. No I am not a super model, nor will I ever but, but I am not fucking ugly! I curse a lot, I'm crude, crass, and at time arrogant... the thing is... I know I am amazing and I know when to be humble (well most of the time)... and if you are my friend and never betray me I am there for life. I am passionate about things important to me and never back down from a fight that I know in my heart is the right thing to do. I think a lot of time in politics all of us get caught up in what we think is Republic or Democrat... it seems like the Democrats are geared for poorer or non 'white' America and the Republicans are white and from Texas... that's right... all the Republicans of the world are born in Texas don't cha know?! lol It just seems to me that all us have gotten off track. I mean it was Wilson (a Dem) that finally gave the women the right to vote only because he was forced to. (so it was a great change for Kennedy to come in the 60's) The Democratic party seemed to be focused on movement and progress for all... equality for all... never did it use to be so focused on race or class... this is sad to me. Now the Republican party seemed to be the dragging the feet party for awhile.. I'm sure deep down they wish everyone to be equal, but reality check not everyone can be equal... so for that I agree, but not to the extent we have gone. I also believe in choices for a lot of things.... abortion, gay marriage etc. I guess what I am saying is that both parties are a let down right now... fighting like a brother and sister... one being the stick in the mud... the other being with wild child... not to sound like a Miss America contestant, but can't we all just get along and find balance?


When it comes to life we all need to realize it is truly precious. With so many natural disasters coming in recent years, so have said the world is coming to an end etc etc. All things come to an end... and it should just remind people how precious life truly is. Do you ever wonder what happened to the ancient Egyptians or the Romans? Natural disasters... corruption... people taking over the system... sometimes I think natural disasters are ways that God reminds us life is precious... at any moment you can be swallowed up by a hole in the ground. How is it then that so many people live life like they themselves are Godlike? When these big disasters come through several lives are lost... is this God's way of hitting the reset button and cleaning out over populated areas? That is an extremely harsh thought I know, but seriously the earth only can support so many people before we all parish and are fighting over water and oil until we blow the shit out of each other.... killing everyone. Most of you that truly know me know that I would give the shirt off my back to someone I know really needed it. I am quite compassionate, but honest... it always comes back to honesty for me... There are reasons why great civilizations have crumbled before we were even a dream in God's eyes... I only hope I am not around to see it. If current projections are correct we will be out of our major resources for the world around 2058. That is why I try to recycle as much as I can and support green building practices whenever possible.

So I just want to clarify a few things... yes I support gay marriage... I think it is hard enough in this world to find someone you want to be with your entire life no matter who you are and I think it is shitty for government to say who you can be with. Also, I do support abortion... if a woman does not want a child and is brave enough to go get it done, I think that is a strong person. If a woman knows that she cannot take care of a child or does not want a child because of certain circumstances, what right do we have to make her carry a child and then give it away?! We have none in my opinion.

I guess that bring us right around to religion... wow religion... this is an interesting subject for me because my grandparents were missionaries (in Haiti) and I was always told if you didn't live a good Christian life you were going to hell (LOL) I gotta laugh sorry! The greatest thing we have in life is hope and the faith that there is something greater our there. I personally believe that if you are a productive member of society and you have a belief or faith that there is something watching over us... you will be just fine in life. I do not think it is fair for people to say if you do not go to Church you will go to hell. To me most churches are a giant melting pot and crock of shit (sorry!)The God business is the biggest business in the world no matter what religion you are! I think you can talk to God everyday without going to church... now there are some churches that focus on fellowship and outreach in positive manners... that is something I can get on board with. I think that most churches have gotten lost in the hustle and bustle of the world and become greedy. Don't get me wrong I know that there are people that need a church atmosphere to stay focused, sober or happy... they need that structure and fellowship to lead a healthy life...however I find is very frustrating for those same people to tell me I am not leading a whole life by not attending church. I went to church when I was younger, by my own accord... I was baptized on my own and went to youth group a lot. I liked the fun atmosphere and met a lot of great people. However, as I grew older I noticed a shift in the churches... most being centered on giving money... if I didn't give 10% of my earnings to the church I was not a complete Christian... news flash... God knows how much my mortgage costs and he knows I need every penny. To me that is horse shit to tell someone. If I do not give specifically 10% I am not going to be saved. I think there are several ways to give... one being food and shelter to people in need whenever necessary. I have friends that go through rough patches... I am there to cook for them, help them out by finding odd jobs for them to do and even from time to time a couch to crash on. If someone is truly trying in life... I want to help them succeed the way I ave been helped. Leading a straight and narrow life is not easy, but it is rewarding. The biggest problem I have with most churches is the people in them... seeing people I know run their businesses unethically... people I know are cheating on their husband or wife (sitting there smiling with their wife right there)... people I see drinking themselves almost to death or acting like an ass at bars acting Godly at church... they are saved each time they repent... going to church is like a quick fix for these people... and I choose not to be around them. If that makes me a bad person then fuck it. I truly believe if you have a good heart... get control of any addictions you have, stay focused and be a productive member of society there is a place for you in whatever heaven there may be after life.

Another thing about religion that kills me is the fact that every single religion thinks they are the only real and true thing out there... Most religions are centered around 3 different things - Christianity (father, son, holy spirit)... now look at the religions of the world... it is the same thing with different 3... perhaps we all actually believe the same thing, but cultural differences and time have pushed us in millions of different directions. I am not really sure... but the only thing I am sure about is that if you lead a productive life, are happy with yourself, find love, be kind to everyone in your world and strive to be the best version of yourself everyday... there is no way to have a terrible life. We all need something to hope for and have faith in... so religion is not a negative thing... but we need to take a step back and realize that people are people and we all need different things out of life. I live my life in 3's as well... I know there is good, bad and everything else... these reason for my lower back tattoo... everything is connected and it always goes in cycles... do not take for granted the good and do not worry so much about the bad.

Clarification

So today I posted a status message on facebook that seemed to ruffle a lot of feathers... usually I am all for ruffling feathers, but this topic in particular really hit a nerve with a few people. Most of you know I am quite sarcastic and say whatever is on my mind. My intentions are not to offend people, but rather to shed light on things most people are too big of pussy ass bitches to say. Let's get to it then...

You know what...I am just going to start out with a super short history recap of the fabulous miss Jessica... do you know exactly who I am? I grew up in Klamath Falls, OR... I graduated high school early... worked my ass off and took some college classes in high school. Had an internship at OIT when I was 16 for the Applied Environmental Sciences Department... it was pretty sweet... I won the science fair in high school my junior year. Yes nerd extraordinaire I know... went to college at Uni of Oregon.. yes I was a duck. I dropped out after 2 years... I felt bad for wasting money and frankly felt like I was wasting my time. When I got to college I expected to learn something... NOT to go to class to learn things I was taught in the 10th grade. When at college I had an awesome opportunity to go to New York for the summer doing an internship in marketing. Crazy shit... long crazy summer! SO it's not as if I was raised in bfe with no life experience.... lol well alright I was raised in bfe, but that is beside the point.

Now that you have a bit of history on me... I gotta get something off my chest... I love all of the people in my life dearly, but it kills me that so many are closed minded... especially in the times we are living in. I grew up in a very conservative rural community... somehow I became the opinionated bitch I am today in the midst of all that. To this day it literally kills me that there are people I know and associate with that are outright bigots, racists etc etc that do not welcome change at all. I am not saying it's not ok to have an opinion and support your own ideas! However, still using racist and ignorant terms really does bother me. People are people... we are all unique and special in our own ways. It has nothing to do with our race, class, sex, sexual orientation... etc etc. Yes I said sex... in the town I am from there are still a lot of sexist people that do not think women should be in certain industries and visa versa. It is crazy to me that if someone is qualified for a job that they do not get it because of how they look etc. How is this still possible in this day and age. I swear if I was alive in the 1920's I would have been in jail with Alice Paul and Lucy Burns... picketing Wilson... one of the 'radicals' that just wanted to be able to be a citizen... less than 100 years since women could even vote... how far we have come, but how much farther we need to go. I suppose that is why I am so strong... people need to know what is up and just be respectful of who other people are as individuals... not liking everyone, but appreciating the differences. The differences are what make life fun :-)

I guess I just needed to say that and remind people that no matter if you like what I have to say or not it is not going to stop me. It may bother you as I have stated some things that bother me, but I do not want you to agree with me.... well actually I think I should be president of the world someday LOL... kidding (or am I). The thing that cracks me up the most is when someone tells me I am closed minded because I speak the way I do (how closed minded are the ones that tell everyone else how closed minded they are)... I am just stating my opinion here people... smile... know that you are the only one that can make yourself happy and stop trying to appease the world... if you look in the mirror and are happy that is all that matters.

"If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years."
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

Never judge a book by it's cover

So recently I have noticed that people are becoming more judgemental about others around them... and when I mean judgemental I mean rude! Don't get me wrong I enjoy laughing at the random people of Klamath Falls behind their back like any other person... but I am speaking about people just being a total, disrespectful cuntface for no reason (at a place of work)to someones face. When someone comes to my place of business they know I am going to give them the best damn customer service around. When it is work time I am serious and polite! I have always been raised that no matter what a persons outer appearance may be, they could be the wealthiest person in the world. I grew up in construction with a grandpa as a logger. Never judge a book by the cover... but what I am finding interesting is people's demeanor towards me. Have I mysteriously dropped off of the appearance scale so much that someone is going to treat me like the grossest, most ignorant piece of shit on the planet and seem offended that she has to speak to me? Due to the economy I no longer have an assistant or shop guy, so I am required to go load a customer up in the shop when they buy something... not a big deal in my eyes, but this does change my wardrobe slightly... jeans and tee shirts. Is that too gross for some people? LOL I certainly hope so. I guess what bothered me the most if exactly how she was treating me. Was this woman just so pissed about how boring her life is that she needs to be disrespectful? She was 'expecting me to be different' and was surprised that I was the person they were recommended to speak to. Side note here people... I love all of my customers, especially repeat customers that tell their friends about us! So I proceed to ask discovery questions to find exactly what they need, so I can give them the proper information... give them extra information on how to get a tax credit... and get them on their way. Of course it wasn't going to be that easy... right?! I think my favorite part of the conversation is when she kept glaring at me, staring at my arms, looking at my snow boots and crossing her arms and staring back at her husband... giving him that look of 'omg can we leave yet... she is scaring me and I want to go home'. Most of you know I am quite approachable and kind, especially at work! Now I understand some people are quite old school and no not appreciate my tattoos... but just because I have tattoos does not mean I am a serial killer or have ever been to prison (well for something bad, not to visit). The worst I have ever done is get a few speeding tickets :-) I like to get where I am going! My biggest question about this woman has nothing to do with her personally, but if she treats everyone this way or if I was just her lucky target that day? I suppose I can say I am proud of myself to being kind and answering all of their questions without asking her to leave. It takes a lot for me to get so pissed at a client I ask them to leave. Actually in all of my years in customer service it has only happened twice. Once when I worked at Kay Jeweler's in Eugene and a man got so upset about his ring not being returnable... apparently she said no... the policy clearly stated you cannot return a ring once it has been sized... I tried to tell him to wait to make sure it was the right size... I never told a client to wait to make sure she said yes LOL ~ One must be crafty when love is on the line. He told me he was going to come back and shoot me! Needless to say he was just upset that she said no and not upset with me as a person... however I did have mall security escort me to my car after work for 2 weeks. He came to senses and apologized. He ended up using the ring a year later and I assume he is still happy. Now the other time I got angry and asked someone to leave is when their children were running around my current office screaming... almost broke a display etc. They also had terrible mouths on them.. they were 5 and 6 year olds right... and the youngest ran behind my desk and said she think she broke something... the parents said nothing. SO I kindly asked the parents if they could watch their children better. She was offended! People like that shouldn't breed... then the little girl ran behind my desk and said 'my mommy says people like you are fat stupid pieces of shit'... really... and the mom just sits there saying nothing. SO I asked her kindly to come back when she does not have her children. Gee I wonder what those precious little angels will grown up to be :-) Most of you will notice we have a sign in our office saying our showroom and offices anr not a playground. Shit I remember when I was a kid... If I did anything out of line in a store or made a scene I knew I was getting spanked when we got home. See that's the problem with kids today... you can't spank them or the government freaks out! and people wonder why kids today are spoiled little fuck heads... It is what it is... and someday soon you won't even be able to get served at a fast food restaurant because kids today won't lower themselves to stop texting on their cell phone or get off myspace long enough to work for $8.50 an hour... yes the minimum wage in Oregon is $8.50! The sad thing right now is I have friends working in fast food right now because the economy is so shitty they need to pay bills... these are people with degrees and vast work experience... and the youngsters are too lazy to care... oh joy... I hope I do not live past 75... because frankly I do not think there will be anyone around as RN's and caregivers when I get there... who the hell is going to change my bed pan damnit!? Knowing my luck I will live to 95...

Ok... so I got off on all kinds of tangents there... typical Jessica :-) I guess the main thing I am trying to say is we do not need to love everyone (Jackie Moon is a dream).... but respecting our differences and embracing the differences that make up our own individuality that founded this nation, makes our lives richer. Just because someone looks a certain way on the outside does not mean we understand what is on the inside. I am really blessed in life to have so many different types of people in my life and I wouldn't have it any other way! Just because you are a business person does not necessarily mean you need to be a certain way or have certain people in your life. One thing I have learned in my life is that when we open ourselves up to true emotions and true reality... our lives are not only richer for it... but it's like finding a pot of gold at the end of a freaky ass rainbow everyday. Life isn't about where you get in life, but all the people you meet in it... no matter how many possessions we have... it always comes back to the people... we the people...

Simplify

For most of my life I have been an over achiever... pushed very hard by my family to always do well... not saying it is a bad things, but it has always made me over analyze things. This related to my love life in a huge way... I always date the wrong man right... my friends are all shaking their heads right now. I think though that I know why. It is hard to give your heart to someone when it still belongs to someone. It has taken me awhile, but taking a look back and simplifying things has made me realize I have already met me special someone. Yes I have said it... I am very much in love with someone. Distance keeps us apart for the time being, but someday we will be together. This person still gives me butterflies when I look into his eyes... even 3 years later... Giddy like a fucking school girl...

For me I always have been trying to find something 'better' because that is what we have been taught. Finding better has been nothing but a terrible journey for me... the thing is I NEVER TRULY THOUGHT THERE WAS BETTER... sure there are doctors or lawyers, which is what certain people in my life feel I need to be with, but men with money treat me like property. This isn't monopoly bitches and I am not for sale. Taking a step back from society this year (perhaps some of you noticed my absence) I have simplified my life and realized all I need or want is true love, family and a few good friends... from there everything else will fall in place. Luckily for me this is already so... and I gotta say my life is richer for it. Only you can determine what is right for your life... I know what is right for my life and I know where I am going. I know the people in my life right now are all beautiful and special... for which I am truly grateful!

I think the main thing I have come to learn in life seeing friends find and lose love (divorce etc etc) is we need to be happy when happiness finds us. Stop listening to the masses and listen to your own heart and mind... those are the two things we should hold dearest to ourselves. People always say don't settle... wtf how is being happy with the blessings and people in your life settling. Just because you don't think my bf is sexy or the right one for me... who the fuck are you. That goes for everyone... seriously who gives a shit if people think something. They are entitled to their opinion, but from what I can see it just stems from jealousy... jealousy that you have found happiness and they married someone because they were pregnant etc etc. This goes back to honesty... you need to be honest with yourself and what you want in life... if you never are honest with yourself you are fucked in life... you will always be a miserable bitch meddling with a life you wish you had. Here is a clue people.. if you are unhappy with something in your life change it! If you are too lazy to change it then shut the fuck up because we are all tired of listening to your shit :-)

I suppose all I am saying is that no matter what happens in my life I know I am truly lucky because most people never find someone that is their everything... best friend, lover, companion, protector and loyal. As humans we make mistakes and usually can never be given a second chance to just live and be happy. Second chances rarely happen... let's be real. To my love I want to say thank you... thank you for loving me for all I am... Intelligent, bitchy, goofy, dorky, witty, independent, caring, focused, driven... I know at times it seems like the world around us is crashing... people sabotaging, but I am here... waiting until we can truly be one...

Blumpkin?!

Alright... so I consider myself to be somewhat well versed in sexual verbage... I mean shit I grew up around loggers and contractors... it was bound to happen. Recently though a friend of mine was kind of enough to drunk dial me and start rambling about wanting a blumpkin... not thinking much about it and kindly getting him to call someone else, I went back to sleep. The next day I called one of my other guy friends to see just what all the blumpkin business is about. He told me that it would be best to google it... now I know why LOL ~ I gotta say when I found out I was like wtf.. what kind of nasty bitch does that shit? Don't get me wrong I have had my share of kinky shit in my life... but really.. that was a little much for even me (side note - yeah I will never give any guy a blumpkin... so don't even ask unless you want your junk cut off! sorry!) (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blumpkin)

Now I am sure all of you are wondering what a blumpkin truly is... for this answer I will refer to the Urban Dictionary ~ BLUMPKIN: "The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump." Yeah... so yeah um where to go from here. I just also need to mention in guy land isn't the order for getting ready to take a shit, shower and shave? That would also mean not only would a lady have to smell shit, but also sweaty balls. Seriously... hell no! I don't know about you'll but that in itself would make me vomit... if a guys doesn't have clean junk a bj would never happen in the first place.

This is just one of those moments that I gotta say you are truly a special breed if you have successfully given a blumpkin.

You know that Urban Dictionary site is quite interesting... there are a few other things I had not actually heard of until reading it. Thank God for the Internet right... that way all the sick fucks of the world can put on blast all the nasty shit they enjoy in life. Not my place to judge, but only my place to write about it the rest of us can share in the 'simple' joys of life.

Only in Klamath...

Wow... I gotta say that Klamath has its' share of interesting people, but this story in particular just makes me laugh!

A man from Keno (which is a small little town about 15 minutes from here) was arrested Monday for masturbating in the Goodwill store... now I have done my share of sweet lovin' to myself... but never in a store. I commend this man for his bravery and stupidity... people like this remind me why I keep my cool and focus on not being them :-) Maybe he gets excited when he sees people mulling over racks of 2nd hand merchandise... maybe 2nd hand items are his porn... who are we to judge what gets someone hot. I know for me sexy tattooed men... especially ones with shaved heads (wink) get me hot... but again who am I to judge.

Here is the link in case there are a few that think I just make up random shit
http://heraldandnews.com/articles/2010/01/12/breaking/doc4b4b6ea016c93244602803.txt

I also read on the paper today that they are doing a survey on foul language... apparently there were a ton of potty mouth pricks down at the Snow Flake festival this year (and it was not me since i was too fucking cold... my happy ass stayed home)... People of Klamath I think we all need to just chill out... your children already know all the major cuss words... shit happens and people are who they are... if you start policing what you can and cannot say when you are walking on the streets you might as well just kill everyone. Diversity is the one thing that makes this world a beautiful and interesting place. Take their shitty little survey if you want to let them know that it's ok to use colorful language :-) (http://heraldandnews.com/articles/2010/01/12/breaking/doc4b4bc773e8104258895564.txt)Obviously certain things are not alright to sit and say to a child... do not get what I am saying twisted... but if two adults are talking and a child walks by are they suppose to keep talking or stop each time a child is within 10 feet... is it really the children that we are watching out for, or is it those people that personally find foul language offensive? Words are words unless spoken directly to you... that is how I feel. Now if two people are speaking and they stop and look at someone and ask wtf do you want cuntface.. that is where is becomes offensive. Yeah I totally just said cuntface LOL Anyway... I think our society has gotten out of touch with reality... in the olden days people were just as foul with their intentions and way of life... do no think because people were more family oriented in the past that they were not liars, cheaters, thieves etc etc... they just used different words.

Boyfriend Application - Feel Free to Use Ladies!

LOL I forgot I posted this.... over 3 years ago... How funny!

Friday, September 15, 2006
BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
Category: Quiz/Survey
BOYFRIEND APPLICATION



(1) Do you know how to read? If not I am sure you have no fucking clue how to answer these questions… therefore, it is NOT acceptable for your current GF or Mom to fill this out
(2) Do you have all of your teeth?
(3) Do you have at least a High School Diploma or GED?
(4) Do you smoke? If yes… what do you smoke? Ciggs? Weed? Crack?
(5) Are you an alcoholic?
(6) Do you have a gambling problem?
(7) Do you have some kind of random previous injury that only makes it possible for you to have sex and not please me orally?
(8) Do you like to have sex with farm animals or family members?
(9) Have you in the past?
(10) Do you believe in Monogamy ? (If you do not know what that word is please do not return application as you may be kicked in the balls on accident you cheating bastard)
(11) Have you cheated before?
(12) Do you lie to people you love?
(13) Would you lie to me about something important?
(14) Do you have a job?
(15) Do you go to your job everyday and actually bring home a steady paycheck?
(16) Do you live in a cardboard box (or the mission) and go to the library to chat online and meet women? (which would include now if you are at the library filling this out)
(17) Do you have a child/children?
(18) How many baby's mama's do you have?
(19) Have you ever told a woman you loved her to sleep with her?
(20) Have you ever mailed a GF a notecard (or emailed) to let here know you were thinking about her?
(21) Have you ever picked a wildflower and made a gift just to make someone smile?
(22) Do you believe you can love someone without being in love with someone?
(23) Do you believe after you meet someone for the first time that you could want to spend the rest of your life with them?
(24) Have you ever had such a love for someone it could be taken as possessive behavior?
(25) Do you currently take any prescriptions for paranoid-schizophrenia, depression, or bipolar disorders?
(26) Do you have herpes?
(27) Do you know everything thing in the world and anything someone tells you take with a grain of salt?
(28) Do you see life as an experience and adventure… or do you constantly question our purpose here?
(29) Do you believe that you should learn something new everyday?
(30) Do you have a problem with a woman having about 60 pairs of shoes?
(31) Do you want children?
(32) Are you supportive of career goals?
(33) Do you care that I have and will mostly likely always have a better car than you? And I will NEVER let you drive it?
(34) Do you think I am a BITCH? (beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and honest)
(35) Do you believe that a person can be happy being themselves?
(36) Do you believe a person in a relationship needs at least 1 night a week away from their partner?
(37) Would you watch a sad, girly movie with me and eat chocolate when I am having a fat day?
(38) Would you go shoe shopping with me?
(39) Would you go get a pedicure with me?
(40) Would you cook for me after I worked a long ass day?
(41) Are you currently on parole or probation?
(42) Do you have an warrants out for your arrest?
(43) How many times have you been to jail, prison, youth ranch etc.?
(44) Have you been married before?
(45) Have you legally gotten a divorce?
(46) Are you currently married?
(47) Have you ever has sex with a midget? If no dot you want to?
(48) Have you ever taken a carnie home? the bearded lady?
(49) Have you ever been a carnie?
(50) Will you watch reality tv with me even if it makes your eyes and ears bleed?

Some of these are funny and some are serious... but I am seriously thinking of handing this out when I meet a guy.

Masks - An older post

I thought it might be fun to transfer some posts from my old blog (on myspace) I just found to here. This one was written almost 4 years ago... weird how you remember certain things you were thinking when you read things from the past...

Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Masks
Current mood: pleased
Category: Life
Well tonight is another random blog here goes. Whenever I am venting is it NEVER about a specific person or event if it is, I have no problem calling a person out.



A lot of time in life we meet people that we get excited about, spend time with, and hope that there may be something there. Usually though, after a month or so, the real person shows through the mask one had been wearing. I have never understood why people do that/ I am one of those people that what you see is what you get. I am honest, open, and at times blunt. When I see something I want I get it or do everything I can do to get it. My general sense is one of caring and understanding. Why must we pretend to be something we are not in order to make people like us? This is what society as a whole says is ok well maybe is she gets to know this one part of you she will like you and forget about the rest. What is all the shit about why are we wasting each others time? When we present ourselves to someone, why are we always hiding who we really are? I have finally decided that I now what is wrong with me this just happened tonight folks. My desire to be myself is so strong, that I overpower those around me... aka for all the men out there... I scare the shit out of you. I dont mean to, its just who I am I am strong willed and my unwillingness to compromise my character and beliefs knocks me out of the running for most relationships. When I think of my life that way, I am not the problem, but really the masks I tear off of those around me are. How can the truth be so binding? Isnt the truth supposed to set you free?


Being free of mind and judgment is not a reality of our society. Perhaps people wear masks because of fear or shame? What have we become as a society to be so afraid to be ourselves that we must hide? Most of my life I have been an outcast, dork, freak, or whatever society decided for me for so long it seemed a burden. The only time I fit in was in college... OK college fucking rocked only because I was popular WTF me popular? I know weird right? I wore a mask for 2 years I have never been as lonely as that. People were always around, but not people I wanted around. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is our desire to feel accepted the driving factor? Sad but true, I feel this to be so. I myself fell into the trap society lays for us. It is hard not to take the chance to be something we have never been. I supposed it could be compared to a meth addiction the intro to the drug is fucking awesome then you need more and more to keep getting high. Nothing is ever like the first time finally you keep getting deeper and deeper into the addiction until you are so low and out of reality that nothing seems real anymore. At least that is how I felt after my sophomore year of college Everyone around is a fake you know it and they know it. We are all playing out little parts society has given us. It doesnt have to be like that though. The need to be loved is always going to be there in life we are human love is a need we always thrist for. Why is something that is so cherished and highly though of treated with such disrespect?


Another thing I just cannot understand is why am I always the one that gets shit on figuratively speaking here folks. I havent worn a mask in a few years now I am open and honest if you know me personally or gone on a date with me in the past few years you know what I say is true. I am dorky and obnoxious, loud yet genuine, aggressive but giving. Why is it so hard to just tell the truth and be as open as I am? Has society really put that much pressure on you? Do you really care that much about what your friends think? I mean come on the prick is probably going to meet a great girl and finally pull his fucking head out of his ass leaving you all alone wondering if you should leave or take you mask. Someday I will meet a really great guy. When you do meet me (if mister wonderful is reading) you better tell the truth or I might castrate you. LOL kidding well mostly. My only question is this are we (society as a whole) really OK with risking absolute happiness to appease our brethren?

The Truth Shall Set You Free...

One thing I will never understand is the perpetual need for people to lie.... even daily about the silliest little things. What is the point? Can someone lie so often that they are living in that parallel universe where they think all the lies they tell are their true reality? I think yes... my life path has crossed with several people like this. Now I am going to recap of a few top idiots I have had the chance to have in my life... somehow I always seem to meet piece of shit men... go me!

The con-artist is a wonder of nature... where on earth do these men learn this from? Is there a school for assholes that allows men to learn how to not only make a woman fall madly in love with them, but believe every Little lie? There must be is all I have to say! There was one that a 'friend' introduced me to... very sexy man on the outside... polite, cordial and said all the right things. A smart girl would have ran as far as possible from someone like that right?! Well I should have at least... oh well. I let him move in with me... yeah I said it. I know what you all are thinking too... idiot! The thing was I fell in love with him... at least I thought it was love... looking back I know it just turned out to be convenience and loneliness. Ladies... never let a man live with you... especially if you just met him like 3 months before.... this is a major life NO NO! The thing about this one is my family loved him.... actually my family loved all the con-artist type men I have dated. What is that shit about? Then when you are confiding in your mom and she says, but he is soooo nice and treats you so well... you cannot break her perfect little image of him. Life lesson number 2 ladies... only you can know what is right in your life... no one else can tell you who you really love. Luckily for me I have someone dear to me that I love very much... it's complicated :-) Anywho... This little con-artist worked his way into my little family trust tree and was a strong branch... so strong in fact that he was invited to the family Christmas in Las Vegas. Hmmm not sure if it is good when your family wants to include your bf or not... gage the situation, but mine was bad. In the time we made the plans and the trip took place the shit hit the fan. There were other women... he was using drugs again... the sad thing is I knew... I knew! Denial is not a pretty thing people... how the hell can anyone be honest with you if you cannot be honest with yourself. Needless to say this trip was a recipe for disaster and it was... on the way down and there we were together 24/7... and I discovered he was coming down off drugs hard... so he drank.. a lot. That was not a good situation to be in... I seriously regret not being honest with myself and just getting him out of my life and enjoying my family alone. I still regret ruining that Christmas for my family. Never again will I let a man ruin any family time I have... my time is precious. I have never used drugs... EVER... never saw the appeal, so it is very difficult to know someone is doing something and not know how to help. Feeling helpless and afraid of the one you love is not a good thing. I was lucky in this case that he didn't end up hurting me when we were down there... I have a feeling if he did not need me to drive us back... I would have been in a very seriously harmful situation. There were a few situations where he had pushed me around before... screamed etc... I do not respond well to that kind of behavior. I never thought someone that was showed constant affection would actually hurt me... it's crazy shit. The funny thing is I would make excuses. Now anyone that knows me is like WTF... I do not take shit from anyone... when I was younger though I did. From several men... verbal or physical abuse was not abnormal in a relationship....

There was a more recent one I dated that I must say takes the cake on the con-artist ranks. This man is a true master I gotta say... the good thing is I met him after I had already been taken on a roller coaster by several other men... I was ready to call his ass out. I got in good with his family... his mother loves me! He seemed picture perfect... wayyy too picture perfect... like a fucking greeting card... I smelled bullshit a mile away. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt though. Things were great for about a month. My new life skill is breaking people down... usually only a month is all I need. I can get a con-astist to crack and show true colors... I would like to thing is is badge I wear after all the assholes I have been through... kind of like a consolation prize from bad relationships. Anyway... he started getting explosively angry... and controlling. Most of my friends are men right... hello I am in the construction industry... yea it's gonna be like that.
He started acting like a 2 year old when my friends called and then started the whole facebook stalking. Any guy that left a nice wall post or commented on my comments he went crazy on... of course I didn't know until later. Really what kind of insecure prick does that shit? Can we say pathetic? Yeah I can :-) Attention men... well any men interested in dating me (like that will happen LOL) I have a lot of male friends... I am also not ugly... therefore people tend to compliment me. If this is a problem go fuck yourself :-) *That is all* I tried to explain to him that first of all it is people that are networking with me or just saying hi. I have almost 500 facebook friends... it is hard to message every single person, but I do my best to at least keep all my business contacts and friends in the loop. I find it hard to believe that anyone would be insecure about things that everyone can see. Hello facebook... everyone can see my wall dipshit... if I was trying to hide something why the hell would I do wall posts... yeah he wasn't very smart LOL ~ He then told me stories of hs ex-wife and how she never let him see their daughter. I found out later that she tries to let him see her... he never chooses to go see her. Makes me kind of sad actually. Now I understand why she talks to him like a 2 year old... he acts like one. Then after I dumped his ass he started messaging me telling me he was going on dates with my friends and he wanted no hard feelings. Ok attention men... if you really do start dating our friends we will all talk. I decided to talk to her and tell her what he said. Apparently he message her on facebook and tried to go on a date with her, but she wasn't interested. LOL pathetic again. I just wanted to warn her about his temper... that is what a friend does... if she wanted to actually date him I wouldn't have given two shits, but girl needed to know. So the lies keep pouring in and I block him off of all my social media sites... who needs drama when you are just living life!? A few weeks later someone forwards me an email from this girl... saying she wanted to know if he was going to be part of his daughter's life... she is giving birth in a week and needs to know what to put on the birth certificate.... WHOA! Hmmm so he has another kid on the way and no contact with her apparently... and he was seeing me and a few others I am sure. Lordy! Good thing my bullshit meter is on to the max... I know what's up so don't fuck with me alright.

I have done some serious soul searching the last few years.... taking time for myself to be honest with myself and all the bad eggs that had ever been in it. Trust me people it is not easy to look in a mirror and realize you have not only been a bank and free ride for several people, but you have not been true to yourself. Being alone the last few years has been heavenly for me, I do what I want when I want... only thing is it would be nice to have someone to come home to. The great thing about that is someday I will. I have a great life and great friends and family. Nothing is more important than that. I guess my life experiences in dating can be summed up as lonely, scary, walked on, used, abused and happy for a split second. Funny thing is I do not know if I would change it. I have gained valuable knowledge well beyond my years and walked away... that is something some women have not had the luxury to do. I know exactly who I am and exactly where I am going in life. I am focused on myself and getting to the health level I desire. When it is my turn for true love I know it will happen.... I know he is waiting for me and he knows I am here... not exactly waiting... but holding a place in time when our paths cross and we are both ready for something real....