Let Your Light Shine...

It's extremely frustrating in these times that people are still so fucking mean to other people. Who didn't hug you enough when you were a child that you feel the need to be a complete dick to people just to be able to look in the mirror and feel ok? The misconceptions in life that tearing others down to build yourself up is very 1922 and not just kids being kids... or people being people. I have never understood this and I never will.

It is exceptionally difficult wearing the badges 'of honor' in life that we all do and dealing with general ignorance that comes with it. Being amazon tall makes me stand out and be seen... with this comes great responsibility. Not slouching creating body problems... not being afraid to be seen as strong, but it seems to only be alright if you are very thin... god forbid someone be tall and big! Being a plus size amazon goddess can truly be difficult at times... people always joke what kind of kool-aid I drank when I was little or what did I eat. Apparently I ate my fucking vegetables if I grew up like a Clydesdale huh prick face. The thing about me is I have struggled deeply with trying to maintain a 'healthy' body image since I was 8! Some people just have issues being able to take off and keep off weight.... it doesn't mean they are at home eating 2 boxes of cookies daily and eating only fast food, but maybe things are going on inside no one understands. I mean unless you literally see these people at McDonald's daily eating like 5 big macs and not trying to work out.

Now, being big and tall is one thing, but girl oh lordy if you have an opinion and aren't afraid to voice it god help you! It can be perceived as being pushy, rude, dominate, bitchy etc etc. If not being afraid to say what needs said makes me those things then so be it. If a man said 1/2 the shit I do on the regular he would be seen as a god... his friends would worship him. Especially if he was talking about adding bitches to the roster! Why can't a female who is completely comfortable with herself and who is being safe have the same lifestyle? Why is it not alright for me to openly say I am not exclusively dating someone, but I am going to enjoy the company of whomever I desire when I want? Please slut shame me doll and see how far that gets you! Why is being happily married the only thing that makes sense to people? Perhaps someday sometime I will find one man that can satisfy all my needs (mind, body, soul) and not need a roster, but until that time who really gives a fuck?

So, being a tall, big, boss ass bitch whom is opinionated and lives her life how she desires might seem dreamy enough, but then toss in tattooed and 'weird' and we add a whole different level of judgement. I have never understood why people make such an effort to discriminate against tattoos. In ancient times they were badges of honor, family, accomplishments. That is exactly how I see mine... they all are a memory good, bad and in between. Judging someone with tattoos is on the same grounds as judging someone by the color (race) of their skin. Pure ignorance! Now sprinkle in some weirdness and nerdiness and bam... we have our own special mixture of a person... Which just so happens to be The Jessica in this case.

Think of all the things you have gone through in your life and think how is stacks up to what society says is normal... now imagine how hard you have tried to mold yourself into what society wants and how angry that makes you feel. Instead of channeling that anger onto other people use that anger to either fuel yourself to those changes you want or to just say FUCK IT and be happy being you! I remember always feeling like I never stacked up and that something was very wrong with me when I was younger... as an adult I realize that some people are just meant to shine and it's your job to turn that energy back into light... let your light shine... and make sure that if someone is trying to unplug you are turn off your switch that you just toss them in the trash.

Valentine's Day... Schmalentine's Day

This time of year is always difficult for me... mostly for the fact that seeing couples so in love aggravates the hell out of me. Perhaps aggravate isn't the right word here, but more than anything it's that I have never had anyone feel truly, madly, deeply for me, as I have for them. This summer will mark 5 years on my own... sure I date here and there, but I never seem to find anyone that wants to make it past date #2 LOL I always seem to have the attention of men, yet none of them either deem me worthy or themselves worthy of me. I know my character is quite strong and I know what I desire in life, but Valentine's Day seems to be a reminder that for whatever reason I have not been truly loved.

Even when I was younger VDay always seemed disastrous to me. In elementary school I was gone one year on the wretched date and came back to mean notes about how I was already too fat and didn't need any candy so they took it all. Lovely... little heathen bastards. I can remember in junior high and high school dreading the day because I of course didn't have anyone... but there was always chocolates and flowers I sent myself :) Through most of my 20s there were a few terrible VDay dates that ended usually in tears or some curse worse and middle finger departure.

Now in my 30s I am starting to realize several things about myself... We accept the love we think we deserve being my major focus. I realize that I am exceptionally kind to myself... I love exactly who I am no matter what size I am that day. I love every hair on my head... even the 3-8 grey hairs starting to come in, as they usually do during this age. I love every curve, crease, thought line, scar, wrinkle, my skin, my mood changing eyes... my hips... my thighs... I have battle scars, more inside than out... and through all of the destruction and despair I have managed to build a solid foundation and perhaps a bit of a wall to protect what I have built in the last 5 years.

I am now realizing that this time alone has allowed for tremendous growth... I know know exactly what I want and I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me ever again for that. I imagine someday, somewhere, sometime that I will eventually find a true partner to share all this fabulousness with... but for now I am satisfied being who I am, where I am at. However, when I seem all the couples doing their couple type things I wonder what is that like to truly have a partner. Maybe I am just meant to be a lone wolf... maybe I am just meant to be your muse...

I'm Back Bitches...

Hey dolls!  I have finally returned from the depths... I have decided to learn to not give a fuck again about everyone else's meaningless shit.

Small update... I no longer promote or host concerts.

I am now a catlady... focused on my fitness journey. My blog will now mostly consist still of whatever the fuck I feel necessary for me to share to stay sane in my life :)

I spent much of the last couple years doing everything for everyone else that I think it is about time I give myself the attention I need :)

I had a situation about 16 months ago... emergency surgery happened... I didn't die... it was a thing... here is a picture

I think that it looks like a dragon egg... or a gnarly alien baby. When I was so high on morphine I am pretty sure I told the ultra sound guys that I was probed by aliens and this was a miracle baby. Sadly it was just a nasty tumor that was attached to my lady bits and wound around my organs. I suppose I was lucky it attached to nothing else and I can laugh about it now. I am officially naming my tumor Gertrude... she essentially gave me a wake up call and reminded me of what is important in life. Gertrude allowed me to spend my grandmas last year by her side as she fought/lost her battle with cancer, so for that I am forever grateful.  I got a new tattoo to remind me of Gertrude and that I need to remember when it is something trivial... I need to not give a fuck and save my time for things that really matter.

There's a picture of my interpretation of Gertrude and some tits... you're welcome :) 

For the first time in a long time I feel like the old me is back. Recently some of my man candies have told me I am not sweet anymore... and kind of a cunty bitch... well sunshine dolls... all I can say about that is treat others how you want to be treated. If perhaps I am being a bitch look at your actions... the things you say and do and consider the fact that sunshine and daisies do not truly shine out your anus. I am focusing on making myself better. Oh I am gorgeous the way I am? Fabulous... let me meet your friends then. Oh, they are busy that day... interesting. I am sorry that I am not acceptable for your friends to meet, but I am good enough for a night cap LOL 

My fitness and clean eating journey is going to be a long one... I need positive, real people to tell me how it is and be there to hug me. Also, I am weeding the fakes out now... so if I am not good enough now, you can kiss your chances goodbye doll when I am socially acceptable enough for you. So.... bye Felicia! ;) Oddly enough that has been my favorite phrase these days... it's just fun to say.... I don't know why, but just do it... out loud. Say it now... with some sass and snap those fingers honey!

I suppose that is enough for this update... stay posted for this Phat girls journey through the skinny, hate filled world we all know and love.