Mystery Solved!

Dear friends I come to you today with the answer to an ancient mystery of life... something so important that I might even be interviewed by someone important... or at least D-list quality!

I know some of you may wonder what the hell is she talking about... I am sure you all realize at this point in your life that I am a total, complete, massive fucking genius... so did I find the cure to cancer... did I discover a new planet... did I figure out what the true meaning of the 'new' 13th zodiac sign is? No! However, I did discover why women tend to be bitchy during the special time when her vaja-ja bleeds... Let's break it down for the men folk that can never understand... hence, why they are whiney, annoying babies when they even have a touch of the flu...

First off imagine gaining about 10 pounds in water in 1 day... waking up to fat feet... not being able to put on your favorite pair of shoes because you cannot get your damn foot in it. Trying to put on your favorite pair of jeans... jumping up and down, rolling around, laying on the bed, doing the worm - all just to get the fucking top botton buttoned and the zipper up before it pops off. Hoping you didn't just create the muffin top of the century you decide if it is worth the effort again to put spanks on... hoping then you do not create a little back roll... deciding to just say fuck it and wear a baggier shirt or sweater so you can actually breathe and not pass out around 1030am from lack of fluids, energy or air. Then you crave the most random things in the world... most of them 3 times your normal caloric intake... but comfort foods are the only thing that bring you happiness at that moment. After you go on your snack binge all day you realize yet again you cannot breathe in your jeans that were loose yesterday... wanting to cry because you now feel like a giant fatass float attached to some streamers and part of the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

Now my personal favorite part of the whole exterience is shoving something up 'there' that is meant to hold enough liquid to fill a a small water bottle... if changing that is not enough... imagine the feeling of it filling up... dripping... oh and leaking all over... ruining a pair of panties or worse yet making an 'accident' appear (usually during an important part of the day). The thing most men do not understand is it is truly humiliating... you feel dirty, disgusting, ugly... SO - when we fish for compliments during this special time it's not because we are just shaming you into it... but because we desperately need them to not feel like a complete pile of shit.

So there is the 411 for our fabulous man friends <3

The Institution of Love...

So over the last couple of months I have had a lot of people am just meeting or friends of mine discussing with me how I feel about marriage. For me this isn't something I can just give a simple one word answer to.