The Journey Alone...

Well I decided to maybe write again... as writing does something for the soul...

The last 16 months of my life have been somewhat of a journey for me... emotionally, physically and mentally. Being someone that has struggled with weight for various reasons, i'd finally reached my rock bottom. Rock bottom for everyone is completely different, but I am a master of making things look perfect... how I was raised... can't let others see our cracks now can we. Well I had cracked, split in two and was barely living my life.... anxiety and ugly crying when I was alone became how I navigated my life. Food has always been a friend to me... when people were mean, when I was left out, when I was ignored... didn't matter because my bestie was always there with a gentle hug. It was a vicious cycle for sure. Back to rock bottom... rock bottom for me was the realization of what my body has become and that I was barely physically able to do simple things like grocery shop without it being a huge fucking deal. I have issues with fatigue between fibromyalgia and lupus... but this was a whole new circle of hell... dante didn't include this one... I created it all on my own. I overcame my body... I retrained it and reset it... the last 16 months of my life have been isolating and lonely. My only constant is long distance friends and my amazing bf... thank you to all the real ones out there... you know who you are and you are classified as family, not friends... I got you! I went on hiking adventures, took paths I would never have taken years ago... explored and conquered. I even completed a mud obstacle run with my vegas crew! Change is the easy part... it's being consistent and staying true to your heart that is the hard part. Remember that when you are at the beginning of a journey... write yourself notes to encourage yourself and break the cycle in your mind. The reason I say you have to be there for yourself is you are doing the work... no one else is. No one else sees the tears, the fight internally... one day the look up and you are changed, but they are the same mentally and physically... I'm going to repeat that... they are the same. You have changed... and that's something I have had the hardest part wrapping my head around. It's like when you go on a life changing vacation and friends see your fb posts, but they cannot understand the journey... the feeling... you are changed forever inside... your eyes see things differently, colors are brighter... everything feel differently when you touch it... you have a calmness in your spirit they cannot understand. That's how this journey has been, but instead of it being a week long it has been 16 months... I am down 225 pounds from when I started... I can now hike 4 miles, crawl through mud pits, go places i'd never think of going... try things I would never normally try.

The one thing people will never tell you is how alone you will be on this journey. Sure you inner circle is there... people are being encouraging, but you are alone... you have to keep that small bubble to push out the nay sayers, the negative hateful ass bitches that don't want you to shine or be proud of yourself... To anyone considering having a sleeve done as a tool, I would 1000 times over say yes! I would never change what I have done or how I chose to do it, but I am grateful for the team of medical staff on my side. Therapist, nutritionist, surgery team, follow up doctors... therapist #1 though... anyone on a weight loss journey MUST absolutely have that mental support and outside influence to help retrain your mind.

The other thing is, stop excluding your weight loss friends... just because I don't eat pizza doesn't mean I don't want invited out ever... for example yesterday was thanksgiving... NOT one fucking person invited me over... and when people text me to ask what I was doing and I said home alone chilling... and your response is oh that sucks, well time to go eat... you are a garbage human... because I am not a garbage human :)  Since I started my journey people stopped inviting me anywhere... and I do mean anywhere. I think it's not so much that people don't want me around, but that they don't know what I can and can't eat etc. Newsflash... I can literally eat any fucking thing I choose too... or I can eat before I go out and just enjoy laughing with friends. Again I circle back to the journey alone... remember that you are forever changed mind, body and soul... and sometimes you just are never on the same page as old friends again. Growing as a person is necessary to keep out of ruts in life... if you are alone on a journey just remember the other warriors out there alone too, not stuck in ruts, but forging their own path, marching to the beat of their own drum... keep marching and one day it's possible your paths with intersect with those you were once close to...