Tattoos

Ok so anytime someone comes up to me and asks me about my tattoos and wants to know the meaning I get annoyed after awhile. I know I shouldn't, but really who cares what they mean... I got them for me... not you... and I don't give a shit what you think :-) But, for those Friends that actually care and want to know the real meaning behind them... this is the one time I will elaborate for you ~

Starting from the very beginning when I was 18... I got a butterfly on my shoulder. Very 1st one! It was an exciting time for me in life... I had graduated high school early and was exploring who I really was as a person... at that time I felt like a caterpillar coming out of my shell and emerged this beautiful butterfly. For the longest time I was afraid of who I was and not proud to be that person. That tattoo was the 1st step to opening myself up and discovering who I was to become as a person

The next tattoo came when I was 21... after several years of being lost. The 3 years when I was away from home on my own were amazing and terrifying all the same. I was walking a thin line between being good and just falling of the wagon... if I would have stayed there I would have had a serious issue with alcohol after awhile. Hence why I rarely drink... I do not like to get out of control I like things to be balanced... all things in life must be balanced in life. Hence the trinity symbol. I consider myself to be religious, but for my views on religion go read my other blog :-) The Trinity of course stands to the father, the son and the holy spirit. For me it is an interlocking symbol of life.. good, bad and everything else. It reminds me that if things are bad there is always worse and better... when things are good they should not be taken advantage of because they can be taken away in a second. It keeps me grounded and reminds me to always be a well rounded person. Everything we do in life is connected.

Next came my forearms... the first of butterflies flying up my left arm. Butterflies are very special to me because the symbolize change, beauty, strength and independence. Things that I am and have embraced in my life. It takes a lot of strength to embrace the beauty inside and outside oneself and to be strong enough to stand on your own proud of the beauty. It has taken a lot of inner strength to grown from past follies and experiences... embracing the changes that come in life and standing proud... not running scared. It is a lot easier in life to take the cowards way out... I am not saying that actually fighting is the answer to life's problems... I am saying standing up for who you are and what you believe in while embracing life is how it should be done. We are all afraid of how was will be perceived or looked at even if we say we do not care... we are humans and it is only natural. It is what we do with that negative energy that can make us special in this world.

This one is on my right wrist... it was done of of a sketch someone did... not exactly like it of course, but we hit a rough patch in our relationship and ended things... I got the tattoo to remind me that if you love something you need to set it free and if it was yours to begin with it will return. I never really understood that concept until recently. Every time I look at it I remember I need to just take a step back from time to time and allow things to just happen instead of trying to plan my whole life out step by step. As most of you close to me know I tend to control everything around because it makes me feel safe. When I am in control of things I do not feel vulnerable or weak. I am trying to find balance in life with each day.

Next comes Hello Kitty... this one really has no specific meaning behind it. I just love Hello Kitty... she is always so happy and fun... I have always loved her! Whenever I look down and am having a bad day it just makes me smile :-) Seriously how can you not giggle when you see Hello Kitty looking back at you on your arm. I made her strong and slightly different... she has a bit of an edge which is similar to me as a person. I also love cats and it makes me think of my baby fuzz butts. Animals in general have a real ken sense of love and hurt... they always come to me when I need a hug and just sit there patiently letting me know it's alright... at least until the man can :-)She is tough but very girlie all in the same token... that is how I try to live my life... I like being feminine and I truly love being a woman, but I am not weak... that is what my Hello Kitty says to me.

Next comes Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas. I suppose see myself as Sally in a way... she was crafted to be this perfect being... don't get me wrong I had as good of childhood as the next person, but standards were so high for me I never felt like I could reach them. On the inside I felt like I had been stitched up for all the hurt and torment of my past. Sally always ends up doing the right thing and trying to help people even though those around her try to bring her down. She is only searching for acceptance in her crazy little world only to find she doesn't need any acceptance other than herself. Those around her like her for exactly who she is and her uniqueness ends up saving the day. She only wishes that her true love will come back to her and they can live happily ever after. In the end with patience and heroism it happens... She falls for the one person that see her for who she is but gets caught up so much in everything around him that they almost lose each other. She saves him in the end and he sees that everything he needed was right before his eyes the entire time. I feel exactly like that and hope that my 'jack' and I will have our happy ending now too.

Finally come the star... a star is a symbol for protection... so I wanted to be protected always. I also want to remember a few simple words to guide me through life safely. I feel that no matter what goes on in life if you can live your life by those words everything will work out in the end. Above all one must have love in life... love makes all things possible. When you love someone you give up your right to make stupid decisions because it's not just you anymore. This can be as simple as family, friends or a pet, but having love in your life stripes selfishness and stupidity to the core. Now to love something/someone correctly you need faith, hope, truth and courage. Faith in yourself and your partner to make the right decisions... hope that everything will work out correctly in hard times, truth to keep trust and open communication and courage to let your walls down and just let love be in your heart and guide your life. These are all things I believe in and I hope when other people see that tattoo they are reminded as well.

This one is a cover up of the very 1st tattoo I ever had done when I was 18. It was a tony blue butterfly that was not done well. It wa my 1st taste of ink... now covered by a badass deathfly. Butterflies to be are always special because my life is very much that of a butterfly... trapped in my younger days as a caterpiller... cocooned myself to find who I am meant to be in life and released several years later from my own prision to fly and be free... be amazing and special... A death fly or skull fly to me shows the beauty of something that is perceived dark and evil... a lot of people look at me and assume I am dark and evil LOL and the roses are there to show strength and femininity.


This one is very special to me because music is the one thing that has always been there in my life. It is the one thing that is true... it can get you through bad times... it can know exactly what to say to make everything better. n short, music is my drug and what has always understood me. I would not be where I am today without it. When I was growing up I played the clarinet... most people to do know that about me unless you were there. It was my escape from the hell known as public school with all the clicks and all the judging. Thank god for band class... for real!

This is a continuation of the muic notes... because for me music is the heartbeat of life... without music my soul would be empty.

This is one of my favorite ones because it has so many meanings. Anyone that as known me a long time knows I was obsessed with ancient Egyptians ever since I was young. I always dreamt of being Cleopatra... I have always been strong and a leader... so it made sense to me :-) The Eye of Horus is a symbol of protection, royal power and good health. All good things to want. It was also used on burial sites to ward off evil... also quit fitting in my life. I love color so the colors are there to be pretty, but also to remind me to see all spectrums of things before jumping to conclusions... not all things in life and black in life... there are not 2 sides to every story.


My most recent tattoo has a deep meaning... The rose first is a symbol of strength. This is me... and I am strong... but the roses has cracks in it from yeas of things happening that should not have. The cracks remind me that yes I am strong, but we all have moments of weakness that may haunt our past. The great thing about seeing those cracks is I know they are in the past and with a constant reminder I will never repeat any previous mistakes. The racks also remind me of my terrible love life.... I have yet to meet someone that doesn't just want something from me, but wants to share their life with me. That is why my heart is now locked down. I remember my past and learn from it... and anyone that wishes to share their life with me will need to help unlock my heart... as there is just darkness behind the keyhole right now...

My newest one has been a long time coming. I truly feel like I am a voodoo doll sometimes... people always trying to push the pins in, waiting for me to fail, trying to make me fail, setting expectations too high, hating any small successes I have and bring guilt to me for those successes. My life may look simple, but can you even begin to fathom how hard it is to make it look that easy. You people have no clue! The thing about it is that I would't have it any other way... who I feel sorry for are the ones that poke pins into me... does your life suck that much you just want to see someone else fail epically? The thing is... I am human and fail everyday. Yes EVERYDAY. There are marks left behind everyday from people being hurtful for many reasons, my heart is broken and empty for false love and hopes from the past... I am am just doing the very best everyday that I can to be the best possible version of myself and try and make a spot for mysef in this fucked up world that will leave a positive memory or change to even one person each day.


So now you know... so stop asking :-) On a serious note though I think that whenever I get a tattoo it is a way for me to express a part of myself or overcome something in my life... make a memory of past decisions that have allowed me to grow into the person I am. If we do not learn from or move on from our past we can never evolve as a person in the future.

Open Heart/Open Mind

So recently I have been having memories from several years ago... like almost 10 years ago. It is quite odd to me only for the fact that I have repressed many of these memories, not on purpose, but I just was unable to remember part of my life. May seem strange to some, but kind of how I have been. I am not sure why these memories have been emerging, but in a way I am glad. To truly move on in life we need to remember our past, reconcile any issues we have had and then face our future with a clear heart and mind. For this I am grateful! Maybe it has been the time I have spent away on vacation that has allowed me to clear everything out, but for once I truly feel this is where I am suppose to be and moving in the direction I want to move as a person.

I have been catching up on some reality shows I recorded when I was on vacation and if you really watch them with an open mind you can actually learn something from them! I watched Tough Love Couples with Steve Ward... that dude is no joke... he lays it all on the line and is down right honest. From watching that show I actually see maybe why some of my relationships have been so rocky (not just because some of them were lame ass drug addict piece of shit motherfuckers). I tend to have a hard time trusting people and letting the negative go. This is a personal struggle for me and one that takes time to repair. I know how I react to certain situations and I need to remember just because something happened in the past, does not mean it is going to happen in the future. We are all human, including myself, and second chances need to be given with an open heart and open mind if love is really going to flourish. If something is worth that love, then those steps need to be taken or love will vanish...

Vegas... Final Post

Ok - Vegas is bitchin' people! And by bitchin' I mean totally fucking awesome! It is much different trip for me this time though... I am not looking for anything... just having fun with Sally and spending time with my Brother. As I get older I realize the most important things to me are family and friends because at the end of the day if the whole world goes to shit, that is all you have.

I have had a lot of great food in Vegas... pasta galore and cheesecake :-) Ryan/Ellen and I went to the most amazing restaurant I have ever been to in my life! It over looked the airport and the strip... I had an amazing concoction of pasta and fillet Minot... melted in my mouth like butter! The best part of the restaurant would have to be the service... this was the type of restaurant with old school service, class and style. The maitre d' greets you and accompanies you to your table... kisses your cheeks and pulls your chair out for you... places the napkin in your lap. Then a gentleman bring waters and drink for the table... someone else brings the salads, another the entree and another brings the dessert. The manager stops at each table for a few genuine moments to make sure everything is absolutely perfect and when you leave yo feel like a million bucks. I am not one for fancy restaurants where you need to dress up, but this was a great experience. Usually when you go to a swanky joint, they make you feel less than worthy to dine there, but this place made you feel special. That is how I strive to be with the clients I have at my office... welcomed, well cared for and like a million bucks when hey leave. It was amazing to have that kind of excellence, since it is so rare in this day and age.

The day after the amazing dinner Ryan and I went up to Mount Charleston for lunch. This place is less than an hour away from Las Vegas and it is like a magical castle hidden away in the hills. There was still a lot of snow up on it and the lodge/cabins were so cute and quaint! It was like being up on a cloud and floating above everything... time stood still and my brother and I were able to just laugh and reminisce about things of the past. I always feel so good when I can spend time with my brother. Besides the one I love, he is the only one that seems to truly get me and understand me as a person... it is refreshing :-)

The last part of my trip I took a few days to do absolutely nothing... then I got 2 new tattoos. There is something so meditative about getting tattooed that I love. The pain releases a lot of pent up sadness, anger and hurt in my life. Whenever I am able to get work done I truly feel little weights lifted off of me and floating above the world. It is an experience that always seem to clear my head and focus me on exactly what I need in life at that moment. Friends and family are what I am focused on right now and myself... I am going to focus on being the best possible version of myself I can be...

Vegas Day 2

Wow is all I can say about Vegas at this point... not because we have done anything spectacular, but simply for having fun no matter where we are. Sally and I had dinner with my brother and Ellen tonight... it was a ton of fun! Our poor waiter is all I can say... he thought I was a totally looney toon! Hmmm perhaps I am one :-) Every time he came back to the table we were laughing our asses off at random conversation.... apparently Ryan thinks Oprah is a lesbian... I mean go for it I suppose... Ricky Martin just came out so what the hell. Then the conversation turned from lesbians to having money in the bank.... and by bank I mean asshole and by money I mean someones cock... there will be no withdrawals or deposits in the Bank of Jessica. From that I decided it would be funny to make money condoms... that way there literally could be money in the bank... that turned into Ryan and Ellen thinking I should start my own adult novelty products. The final straw at dinner somehow lead everyone to agreeing I should become a porn script writer because I am so creative and apparently everything that comes out of my mouth is dripping in sexual innuendos. I guess if I get bored that can be my weekend job LOL. How funny for my brother to say that. So, needless to say we were laughing our asses off. It was a lovely dinner and good to see Ryan. Dude he needs a serious haircut... He is starting to look like Snidley Whiplash from one of those 70's cartoons..... funny right!?

Sally and I decided to make our way back to the strip after dinner on the way back to the condo... all kinds of crazy people were walking the streets already and we had some interesting characters pull up next to us in the bumper to bumper traffic. We pulled up to the nasty hooptie ride and the driver is like yo ma... yo sup? OMG really?! I need to give him credit... Sally and I laughed for a good couple of days off his pickup line.... "Hey baby... my name is Paco and I want to eat your taco" Really bro... thank God I had my ring on my finger... I told him I didn't think my husband would like that very much and Sally didn't have an excuse so we switched lanes quick LOL - Yeah I am not really married, but it felt good to say :-) Glad I have a sweet man in my life that knows I am there for him 100%. After we got away from Paco the taco eater... we pulled up next to this limo full of tons of shitfaced guys.... They were all in there mid 30s I would have guessed and they proceed to ask me if I would be their cougar. WTF... first of all ewww, but seriously I am only 26... how the fuck can I be a cougar... I proceed to give them a piece of my mind and they proceeded to roll their window up :-) People crack me up and my favorite part of Vegas really is people watching!

So we made it back to the condo and decided to get dolled up and make our way down the trip on foot. All kinds of crazies were out and we ended up walking a good 4-5 miles that night... from Caesar's Palace to New York, New York and everything between. The city is really pretty at night, but very strange. Of all the city's I have been to, Vegas is one of the cleanest. Late at night they have power washing crews that wash the streets, sidewalks and over passes of the entire strip... the whole city is constantly pristine and clean... One of the only benefits of Vegas I think. The night ended very relaxing and with a ride from a very nice driver. The service people are so kind in Vegas :-)

Vegas... Getting there/Day 1

Ok so it has been a little bit since I have gone on a real vacation right people... so I have made my way to the fabulous Las Vegas Nevada. It is just a quick 11.5 hour drive down through barren open lands... which actually are quite beautiful. I am a road warrior... I only stop 3 times... when I am going somewhere I just like to get there and not fuss about everything. It was a pretty smooth trip down though and it was nice to clear my head and focus on myself for once. I got up at 3am and finished packing.. got ready and was on the road at 430am... pulled into Vegas at approximately 345pm... then got stuck in traffic on the 15 south for about 30 minutes.... nightmare! But all in all and smooth trip and good time was made :-) On the way down I say a lot of places closes from the economy in that smaller towns... it was kind of sad because I know it is going to be awhile before things turn around here too. The thing that surprised me the most way the whore houses... of all the lady ranches I passed only 1 was still open... what is the world coming to when people do not even have money to keep brothels open... I mean really LOL. Seriously though it makes me feel very blessed to be able to have a roof over my head on a daily basis and be able to take time of and go on a vacation... even if I do not have money to spend while on vacation... this is Vegas... plenty to do for free :-) Ok so confession... I brought a ton of alcohol with me.... just a perk of being able to drive here :-) that was I can people watch have fun and be sauced without it costing a penny... I have been hoarding good vodka in my freezer for like a year now... figured this was as good of time as any to use it :-)

Ok so once I arrived in Vegas I met up with the fabulous Sally Sloan (Brown)... we got ourselves put together and made our way (stumbled) to the strip. There were some crazy ladies on the shuttle from the condo with us... this lady was awesome... just like me... no filter on anything she says. Made me laugh so much! So I guess it is true people... I am a sassy black woman trapped in some white bitches body LOL I now understand myself...this is a thing of beauty to know :-). We arrived at the fabulous Caesar's Palace... we found out Caesar moved out last year after the Hangover movie came out because too many people were stalking him :-) Ok maybe not, but it sounds good. There was a line around the block to get into Pure night club and everyone was rude so we said fuck it and just started wandering around the forum shops... somehow we ended up outside and down the street to the Venetian... Tao night club had a line all the way out past the shops where the gondola rides are.... and everyone was dressed like a total ho... we were dressed ho casual with jeans and slutty shirts... apparently that was not good enough for Vegas LOL. I thought so but whatever. We made our way to the Grand Luxe cafe for a midnight snack and drinks... good drinks! Somehow we stumbled around and met a bunch of people until about 2 am when this town car driver swooped us up and brought us home. Very nice guy! I am very lucky to meet good genuine people when in Vegas.

I just want to say sorry to anyone I drunk texted or dialed last night... love you all! Tonight is round 2 and I am excited to go to a few new places we have not been yet and meet more people :-)