Valentine's Day... Schmalentine's Day

This time of year is always difficult for me... mostly for the fact that seeing couples so in love aggravates the hell out of me. Perhaps aggravate isn't the right word here, but more than anything it's that I have never had anyone feel truly, madly, deeply for me, as I have for them. This summer will mark 5 years on my own... sure I date here and there, but I never seem to find anyone that wants to make it past date #2 LOL I always seem to have the attention of men, yet none of them either deem me worthy or themselves worthy of me. I know my character is quite strong and I know what I desire in life, but Valentine's Day seems to be a reminder that for whatever reason I have not been truly loved.

Even when I was younger VDay always seemed disastrous to me. In elementary school I was gone one year on the wretched date and came back to mean notes about how I was already too fat and didn't need any candy so they took it all. Lovely... little heathen bastards. I can remember in junior high and high school dreading the day because I of course didn't have anyone... but there was always chocolates and flowers I sent myself :) Through most of my 20s there were a few terrible VDay dates that ended usually in tears or some curse worse and middle finger departure.

Now in my 30s I am starting to realize several things about myself... We accept the love we think we deserve being my major focus. I realize that I am exceptionally kind to myself... I love exactly who I am no matter what size I am that day. I love every hair on my head... even the 3-8 grey hairs starting to come in, as they usually do during this age. I love every curve, crease, thought line, scar, wrinkle, my skin, my mood changing eyes... my hips... my thighs... I have battle scars, more inside than out... and through all of the destruction and despair I have managed to build a solid foundation and perhaps a bit of a wall to protect what I have built in the last 5 years.

I am now realizing that this time alone has allowed for tremendous growth... I know know exactly what I want and I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me ever again for that. I imagine someday, somewhere, sometime that I will eventually find a true partner to share all this fabulousness with... but for now I am satisfied being who I am, where I am at. However, when I seem all the couples doing their couple type things I wonder what is that like to truly have a partner. Maybe I am just meant to be a lone wolf... maybe I am just meant to be your muse...

I'm Back Bitches...

Hey dolls!  I have finally returned from the depths... I have decided to learn to not give a fuck again about everyone else's meaningless shit.

Small update... I no longer promote or host concerts.

I am now a catlady... focused on my fitness journey. My blog will now mostly consist still of whatever the fuck I feel necessary for me to share to stay sane in my life :)

I spent much of the last couple years doing everything for everyone else that I think it is about time I give myself the attention I need :)

I had a situation about 16 months ago... emergency surgery happened... I didn't die... it was a thing... here is a picture

I think that it looks like a dragon egg... or a gnarly alien baby. When I was so high on morphine I am pretty sure I told the ultra sound guys that I was probed by aliens and this was a miracle baby. Sadly it was just a nasty tumor that was attached to my lady bits and wound around my organs. I suppose I was lucky it attached to nothing else and I can laugh about it now. I am officially naming my tumor Gertrude... she essentially gave me a wake up call and reminded me of what is important in life. Gertrude allowed me to spend my grandmas last year by her side as she fought/lost her battle with cancer, so for that I am forever grateful.  I got a new tattoo to remind me of Gertrude and that I need to remember when it is something trivial... I need to not give a fuck and save my time for things that really matter.

There's a picture of my interpretation of Gertrude and some tits... you're welcome :) 

For the first time in a long time I feel like the old me is back. Recently some of my man candies have told me I am not sweet anymore... and kind of a cunty bitch... well sunshine dolls... all I can say about that is treat others how you want to be treated. If perhaps I am being a bitch look at your actions... the things you say and do and consider the fact that sunshine and daisies do not truly shine out your anus. I am focusing on making myself better. Oh I am gorgeous the way I am? Fabulous... let me meet your friends then. Oh, they are busy that day... interesting. I am sorry that I am not acceptable for your friends to meet, but I am good enough for a night cap LOL 

My fitness and clean eating journey is going to be a long one... I need positive, real people to tell me how it is and be there to hug me. Also, I am weeding the fakes out now... so if I am not good enough now, you can kiss your chances goodbye doll when I am socially acceptable enough for you. So.... bye Felicia! ;) Oddly enough that has been my favorite phrase these days... it's just fun to say.... I don't know why, but just do it... out loud. Say it now... with some sass and snap those fingers honey!

I suppose that is enough for this update... stay posted for this Phat girls journey through the skinny, hate filled world we all know and love.