Valentine's Day... Schmalentine's Day

This time of year is always difficult for me... mostly for the fact that seeing couples so in love aggravates the hell out of me. Perhaps aggravate isn't the right word here, but more than anything it's that I have never had anyone feel truly, madly, deeply for me, as I have for them. This summer will mark 5 years on my own... sure I date here and there, but I never seem to find anyone that wants to make it past date #2 LOL I always seem to have the attention of men, yet none of them either deem me worthy or themselves worthy of me. I know my character is quite strong and I know what I desire in life, but Valentine's Day seems to be a reminder that for whatever reason I have not been truly loved.

Even when I was younger VDay always seemed disastrous to me. In elementary school I was gone one year on the wretched date and came back to mean notes about how I was already too fat and didn't need any candy so they took it all. Lovely... little heathen bastards. I can remember in junior high and high school dreading the day because I of course didn't have anyone... but there was always chocolates and flowers I sent myself :) Through most of my 20s there were a few terrible VDay dates that ended usually in tears or some curse worse and middle finger departure.

Now in my 30s I am starting to realize several things about myself... We accept the love we think we deserve being my major focus. I realize that I am exceptionally kind to myself... I love exactly who I am no matter what size I am that day. I love every hair on my head... even the 3-8 grey hairs starting to come in, as they usually do during this age. I love every curve, crease, thought line, scar, wrinkle, my skin, my mood changing eyes... my hips... my thighs... I have battle scars, more inside than out... and through all of the destruction and despair I have managed to build a solid foundation and perhaps a bit of a wall to protect what I have built in the last 5 years.

I am now realizing that this time alone has allowed for tremendous growth... I know know exactly what I want and I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me ever again for that. I imagine someday, somewhere, sometime that I will eventually find a true partner to share all this fabulousness with... but for now I am satisfied being who I am, where I am at. However, when I seem all the couples doing their couple type things I wonder what is that like to truly have a partner. Maybe I am just meant to be a lone wolf... maybe I am just meant to be your muse...