Hello... Sorry I have been away!

So my fabulous readers...

I have taken a month to refind myself... gotten rid of some negative baggage and really started enjoying life. Now I feel that my writing is going to come from an honest place... I finally decided to take my own advice <3

I love you all!

Not interested until it's gone...

Recently

Changes....

As time seems to keep passing by I look up and see less and less faces still on my journey with me. I realize that people need to grow and change in life and that people do that at different paces and go in different directions... but sometimes I feel like I am on my own set of train tracks. Am I changing so much that I no longer have anything in common with people I care dearly for... or is everyone else just fading into the background? I have a lot of love and time to give to people and have always been that type of person that can mingle in any crowd. Recently though I feel like an odd ducky... am I just in my own little world here? Perhaps... maybe I have finally hit that wall that everyone eventually does when they make decisions in life that most people are not ready to. I admit that I can be to focused and driven, but I wouldn't be myself if I just let my world swallow me whole... I need to be in control of it and be on top of the mountain. Not that being on top is a bad things... especially if your boobs are the size of most people's heads... personally I do not want to die of asphyxiation by my own hand LOL or boobs... anyway getting back to reality for a minute... I just cannot help but think what the hell. Why is it a bad thing to be determined and just want time from people. I never expect anything from anyone but time and respect. I apologize for the fact that I hold people accountable for their actions... I feel that if you really want to be a good friend following through with actions really will not be that bad of a thing... maybe on the other hand it is and that is one of my biggest downfalls. I suppose the average person does not follow through with things and that is one of the things that makes them average... is it a character flaw that I feel bad when I let someone down and only ask the same respect of others when it comes to my time and feelings? I suppose that if that is the major personality flaw I have... I must be doing pretty well in life. (or at least that is what I am going to tell myself)

The thing that baffles my mind the most this last few years is friendship and changes. I have had a lot of friends come and go... and been there for weddings, funerals and divorces... children, boyfriends, movings, career changes and through seeing all my friends' lives... I have seen happiness, sadness and all that comes between. With all of this knowledge comes burdens... the burden to always do the right thing and be there for them... even though I know I am just another stop on the bumpy plane ride of life.... a busy airport terminal that people come and go from... not looking back unless their path crosses mine again. I do not mind this role in life..... I just wish people would realize that I am human too. My heart breaks just as easy as others... more so sometimes I fear... I just wish that people understood that even if everyone always appears to have everything together all the time... a few kinds words and a hug can do wonders. Human contact and affection is something that can never be replaced. :-) Not everything is as it always seems and sometimes taking that step back and pause in life is the one thing that will save you from negativity and heart ache. Cherish those closest to you in life and remember that all roads in life are two way streets... you bump into people from time to time... accidents, pot holes and deer may run into you... but at the end of the day you can choose how you want to react to those obstacles. Change can bring positivity and light that you may have never had in life and you never know which direction the road is going to go... all you can do is simply follow it and learn from mistakes.

Respect and Honesty...

So recently I have finally began to look at my life openly and honestly with regard to the people in my life and how those people interact with me. A lot of times people say that you need to love yourself first before you can love anyone else... same goes with respect and honesty... you need to have enough respect for yourself to be honest with yourself... then those two things will follow you in daily activities. With that said... reality has set in deeply... when I have taken a step back, it has allowed me a glimpse into the lives of those around me (near and far) and it really is not very pretty. The hardest concept for me to grasp is the fact that very few people in this world do not know what it is to just be a friend to someone... not try and use someone for some sort of advantage... or purpose, but really just being there for someone, even if it means just hugging them or listening to them cry for a moment on the phone. When did we become so empty as humans... what has caused this shift? Why are we so spoiled and selfish? Am I the last of a dying, pathetic breed that would rather die doing the right thing... being alone and always trying to be there for everyone else... getting used up to the last drop... left empty to crack?

The biggest problem I have with the human race right now is the general lack of respect and follow through. I have absolutely no problem if someone does not like me... I do not even care if they have a legitimate reason... not everyone is meant to be friends. It is what it is... the problem I have is if you say you are going to do something just do it... or if you have no intention of doing it either be honest with the person and just tell them no... or have enough respect for the person to let them know you just cannot do it... make up a shitty excuse... who cares, just be a big enough person to show someone respect so they are not sitting there alone waiting with their thumb up their ass. They say loneliness breaks a persons' spirit, but that is not the case. A person can function just fine on their own little path... be their very own ray of sunshine in life... it's only when a person takes that leap of faith to just have human contact that derails their spirit... even breaking it. What is so difficult for the average human to understand about friendship (or relationships of any kind in life - family etc)? As humans our basic instinct is to nurture and protect... so why must we spend so much time tearing each other down and break each other to the ground. If people spent half the time on positivity as they do on negativity... honesty, truth, respect, love... the world would be very different right now. As a race we have undone thousands of years of traditions and kindness as people in 4 generations... how is this possible?

Maybe there is just something inherently wrong with me? Am I so odd of a person to not expect items or gifts of people... no advancement in society... just time. My whole life I have been seeking acceptance and time from people and I keep getting the same responses from people... I am too nice, I expect too much from people... I should know better than to rely on anyone... people are inherently bad... you cannot change anyone... you need to learn to appease people more often... don't set your sights so high and people won't disappoint you as often. Really? What the fuck?! How are any of those statements ok in life? When should it be ok to settle in life with anything... don't get me wrong I do believe some people are lost causes and never will change, but in my heart I truly feel if someone wants a different life they can have it... they just need to be honest and respect themselves enough to see their flaws and how to improve as a person. It is easy to give someone something... a gift... etc... but why is it so hard to give each other a piece of ourselves? Let's be honest with ourselves for who we are and what we want out of life and start giving people respect as another human being to be who they are and do what they want. Respect each other enough to know we want different things in life... we are not all mean to be friends, but we can still respect our differences to enjoy all aspects of life.

One Night In Klamath...

For those of you not familiar with good ol' Klamath Falls... you cannot imagine the type of nightlife we have here. It is like a random mish mash of every group of people you can imagine all in a 3 block radius downtown.... you have your snobby bitches, the cool kids that never grew up, the alcoholics, the druggies, the crack whores, the ex strippers, the emo rejects, the jock rejects that now pump gas and have 12 baby mamas, the ravers, the hip hoppers, the skaters, the potheads, the trailer trash and the 'beautiful people'... usually when you go to different towns these people never mingle together. I suppose that is something unique we have here... usually there is a specific order in which people go out... it starts at El Palacio... everyone moves over around 1030 to Waldo's then disperse to Aftershock, Legends and the Alibi throughout the night.

So last night James and his GF came down from Bend to hang out for the night... the dragged me out! So... we decided to go to Waldos. Upon our arrival, 4 of Klamath's finest in Blue show up to question people about a crime/murder that happened in the area. It really wouldn't be a night out at Waldos without some sort of Police action - though police don't usually show up until around 1.. and I am home by then :-) As the evening went on the randomness increased 10 fold! We saw a camera guy coming into Waldos following some ex stripper turned crack head/alcoholic... she said she was filming for a reality show. After talking to the camera guy, we deduced that the show could only be one thing... that's right folks... Intervention. Well maybe not exactly that show, but something like it... that girl was a hot mess! So about 10:30 all the snobby bitches, 'beautiful people' and skanky assclowns began to make their way over from El Palacio. At that point we decided to bounce. We went toe the CAK for the 'house party'. It was sooo much fun... all the random ravers and emo kids were dancing their little hearts out. I had a ton of fun shakin it and fist pumping Jersey Shore style! I absolutely hate regular clubs that only play hip hop crap, but house and trance music is the bomb! I guess they are having house dances every week now. I think it is a good thing because a lot of the kids there are like 18-20 and just want to have drama free fun... also not a normal concept in Ktown!

Well... that about summed up the evening... it just cracks me up about our town and the randomness of every evening. It reminds me of why I rarely go out and the fact that I hate judgemental, drama filled people :-)

For the last month I have had a lot of emotions and memories brought to the surface by certain events... feelings can be a bitch! The good thing about feeling something is knowing that you are first off still alive and secondly... you have depth. When you feel something, whether it is good or bad, it shows that you can step back and look at a situation and be moved somehow by it. So this has been my past month... feeling... remembering and focusing on what I truly want from life. I think that is something everyone should do from time to time... it keeps us grounded and focused on what things in our life really matter... and by things I am not talking about physical items.

I had the pleasure of watching my best friend get married to the love of her life... most of you who know me would think I am not extremely emotional... I totally broke down in tears during her wedding. I can't wait to see the aweful picture of me as a teary blubbering mess... should be pretty awesome LOL I did not realize seeing love it it purest form and seeing one of the most important people in my life sublimbly happy could bring me to tears. Most of the time I guard my emotions and feelings because they weaken you... open you up to hurt and pain...

Tattoos

Ok so anytime someone comes up to me and asks me about my tattoos and wants to know the meaning I get annoyed after awhile. I know I shouldn't, but really who cares what they mean... I got them for me... not you... and I don't give a shit what you think :-) But, for those Friends that actually care and want to know the real meaning behind them... this is the one time I will elaborate for you ~

Starting from the very beginning when I was 18... I got a butterfly on my shoulder. Very 1st one! It was an exciting time for me in life... I had graduated high school early and was exploring who I really was as a person... at that time I felt like a caterpillar coming out of my shell and emerged this beautiful butterfly. For the longest time I was afraid of who I was and not proud to be that person. That tattoo was the 1st step to opening myself up and discovering who I was to become as a person

The next tattoo came when I was 21... after several years of being lost. The 3 years when I was away from home on my own were amazing and terrifying all the same. I was walking a thin line between being good and just falling of the wagon... if I would have stayed there I would have had a serious issue with alcohol after awhile. Hence why I rarely drink... I do not like to get out of control I like things to be balanced... all things in life must be balanced in life. Hence the trinity symbol. I consider myself to be religious, but for my views on religion go read my other blog :-) The Trinity of course stands to the father, the son and the holy spirit. For me it is an interlocking symbol of life.. good, bad and everything else. It reminds me that if things are bad there is always worse and better... when things are good they should not be taken advantage of because they can be taken away in a second. It keeps me grounded and reminds me to always be a well rounded person. Everything we do in life is connected.

Next came my forearms... the first of butterflies flying up my left arm. Butterflies are very special to me because the symbolize change, beauty, strength and independence. Things that I am and have embraced in my life. It takes a lot of strength to embrace the beauty inside and outside oneself and to be strong enough to stand on your own proud of the beauty. It has taken a lot of inner strength to grown from past follies and experiences... embracing the changes that come in life and standing proud... not running scared. It is a lot easier in life to take the cowards way out... I am not saying that actually fighting is the answer to life's problems... I am saying standing up for who you are and what you believe in while embracing life is how it should be done. We are all afraid of how was will be perceived or looked at even if we say we do not care... we are humans and it is only natural. It is what we do with that negative energy that can make us special in this world.

This one is on my right wrist... it was done of of a sketch someone did... not exactly like it of course, but we hit a rough patch in our relationship and ended things... I got the tattoo to remind me that if you love something you need to set it free and if it was yours to begin with it will return. I never really understood that concept until recently. Every time I look at it I remember I need to just take a step back from time to time and allow things to just happen instead of trying to plan my whole life out step by step. As most of you close to me know I tend to control everything around because it makes me feel safe. When I am in control of things I do not feel vulnerable or weak. I am trying to find balance in life with each day.

Next comes Hello Kitty... this one really has no specific meaning behind it. I just love Hello Kitty... she is always so happy and fun... I have always loved her! Whenever I look down and am having a bad day it just makes me smile :-) Seriously how can you not giggle when you see Hello Kitty looking back at you on your arm. I made her strong and slightly different... she has a bit of an edge which is similar to me as a person. I also love cats and it makes me think of my baby fuzz butts. Animals in general have a real ken sense of love and hurt... they always come to me when I need a hug and just sit there patiently letting me know it's alright... at least until the man can :-)She is tough but very girlie all in the same token... that is how I try to live my life... I like being feminine and I truly love being a woman, but I am not weak... that is what my Hello Kitty says to me.

Next comes Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas. I suppose see myself as Sally in a way... she was crafted to be this perfect being... don't get me wrong I had as good of childhood as the next person, but standards were so high for me I never felt like I could reach them. On the inside I felt like I had been stitched up for all the hurt and torment of my past. Sally always ends up doing the right thing and trying to help people even though those around her try to bring her down. She is only searching for acceptance in her crazy little world only to find she doesn't need any acceptance other than herself. Those around her like her for exactly who she is and her uniqueness ends up saving the day. She only wishes that her true love will come back to her and they can live happily ever after. In the end with patience and heroism it happens... She falls for the one person that see her for who she is but gets caught up so much in everything around him that they almost lose each other. She saves him in the end and he sees that everything he needed was right before his eyes the entire time. I feel exactly like that and hope that my 'jack' and I will have our happy ending now too.

Finally come the star... a star is a symbol for protection... so I wanted to be protected always. I also want to remember a few simple words to guide me through life safely. I feel that no matter what goes on in life if you can live your life by those words everything will work out in the end. Above all one must have love in life... love makes all things possible. When you love someone you give up your right to make stupid decisions because it's not just you anymore. This can be as simple as family, friends or a pet, but having love in your life stripes selfishness and stupidity to the core. Now to love something/someone correctly you need faith, hope, truth and courage. Faith in yourself and your partner to make the right decisions... hope that everything will work out correctly in hard times, truth to keep trust and open communication and courage to let your walls down and just let love be in your heart and guide your life. These are all things I believe in and I hope when other people see that tattoo they are reminded as well.

This one is a cover up of the very 1st tattoo I ever had done when I was 18. It was a tony blue butterfly that was not done well. It wa my 1st taste of ink... now covered by a badass deathfly. Butterflies to be are always special because my life is very much that of a butterfly... trapped in my younger days as a caterpiller... cocooned myself to find who I am meant to be in life and released several years later from my own prision to fly and be free... be amazing and special... A death fly or skull fly to me shows the beauty of something that is perceived dark and evil... a lot of people look at me and assume I am dark and evil LOL and the roses are there to show strength and femininity.


This one is very special to me because music is the one thing that has always been there in my life. It is the one thing that is true... it can get you through bad times... it can know exactly what to say to make everything better. n short, music is my drug and what has always understood me. I would not be where I am today without it. When I was growing up I played the clarinet... most people to do know that about me unless you were there. It was my escape from the hell known as public school with all the clicks and all the judging. Thank god for band class... for real!

This is a continuation of the muic notes... because for me music is the heartbeat of life... without music my soul would be empty.

This is one of my favorite ones because it has so many meanings. Anyone that as known me a long time knows I was obsessed with ancient Egyptians ever since I was young. I always dreamt of being Cleopatra... I have always been strong and a leader... so it made sense to me :-) The Eye of Horus is a symbol of protection, royal power and good health. All good things to want. It was also used on burial sites to ward off evil... also quit fitting in my life. I love color so the colors are there to be pretty, but also to remind me to see all spectrums of things before jumping to conclusions... not all things in life and black in life... there are not 2 sides to every story.


My most recent tattoo has a deep meaning... The rose first is a symbol of strength. This is me... and I am strong... but the roses has cracks in it from yeas of things happening that should not have. The cracks remind me that yes I am strong, but we all have moments of weakness that may haunt our past. The great thing about seeing those cracks is I know they are in the past and with a constant reminder I will never repeat any previous mistakes. The racks also remind me of my terrible love life.... I have yet to meet someone that doesn't just want something from me, but wants to share their life with me. That is why my heart is now locked down. I remember my past and learn from it... and anyone that wishes to share their life with me will need to help unlock my heart... as there is just darkness behind the keyhole right now...

My newest one has been a long time coming. I truly feel like I am a voodoo doll sometimes... people always trying to push the pins in, waiting for me to fail, trying to make me fail, setting expectations too high, hating any small successes I have and bring guilt to me for those successes. My life may look simple, but can you even begin to fathom how hard it is to make it look that easy. You people have no clue! The thing about it is that I would't have it any other way... who I feel sorry for are the ones that poke pins into me... does your life suck that much you just want to see someone else fail epically? The thing is... I am human and fail everyday. Yes EVERYDAY. There are marks left behind everyday from people being hurtful for many reasons, my heart is broken and empty for false love and hopes from the past... I am am just doing the very best everyday that I can to be the best possible version of myself and try and make a spot for mysef in this fucked up world that will leave a positive memory or change to even one person each day.


So now you know... so stop asking :-) On a serious note though I think that whenever I get a tattoo it is a way for me to express a part of myself or overcome something in my life... make a memory of past decisions that have allowed me to grow into the person I am. If we do not learn from or move on from our past we can never evolve as a person in the future.