I'm Back Bitches...

Hey dolls!  I have finally returned from the depths... I have decided to learn to not give a fuck again about everyone else's meaningless shit.

Small update... I no longer promote or host concerts.

I am now a catlady... focused on my fitness journey. My blog will now mostly consist still of whatever the fuck I feel necessary for me to share to stay sane in my life :)

I spent much of the last couple years doing everything for everyone else that I think it is about time I give myself the attention I need :)

I had a situation about 16 months ago... emergency surgery happened... I didn't die... it was a thing... here is a picture

I think that it looks like a dragon egg... or a gnarly alien baby. When I was so high on morphine I am pretty sure I told the ultra sound guys that I was probed by aliens and this was a miracle baby. Sadly it was just a nasty tumor that was attached to my lady bits and wound around my organs. I suppose I was lucky it attached to nothing else and I can laugh about it now. I am officially naming my tumor Gertrude... she essentially gave me a wake up call and reminded me of what is important in life. Gertrude allowed me to spend my grandmas last year by her side as she fought/lost her battle with cancer, so for that I am forever grateful.  I got a new tattoo to remind me of Gertrude and that I need to remember when it is something trivial... I need to not give a fuck and save my time for things that really matter.

There's a picture of my interpretation of Gertrude and some tits... you're welcome :) 

For the first time in a long time I feel like the old me is back. Recently some of my man candies have told me I am not sweet anymore... and kind of a cunty bitch... well sunshine dolls... all I can say about that is treat others how you want to be treated. If perhaps I am being a bitch look at your actions... the things you say and do and consider the fact that sunshine and daisies do not truly shine out your anus. I am focusing on making myself better. Oh I am gorgeous the way I am? Fabulous... let me meet your friends then. Oh, they are busy that day... interesting. I am sorry that I am not acceptable for your friends to meet, but I am good enough for a night cap LOL 

My fitness and clean eating journey is going to be a long one... I need positive, real people to tell me how it is and be there to hug me. Also, I am weeding the fakes out now... so if I am not good enough now, you can kiss your chances goodbye doll when I am socially acceptable enough for you. So.... bye Felicia! ;) Oddly enough that has been my favorite phrase these days... it's just fun to say.... I don't know why, but just do it... out loud. Say it now... with some sass and snap those fingers honey!

I suppose that is enough for this update... stay posted for this Phat girls journey through the skinny, hate filled world we all know and love.

New Beginings

Christmas 2012

So here we are again… another year done and another letter to all of you. Hopefully you all realize exactly how wonderful you are and how you shape my life, even if we do not speak regularly. This year I wanted to have more fun and to try and keep up with those around me more… I have to say I didn’t do a good job at keeping up with everyone, so for that I have to say… opps my bad. The good news is you are getting a letter now which is filled with I’m sorry, I miss you and let me remind you how fabulous I am. One a serious note though… the reason I am so awesome I because I have such great people always in my life even if we are not close in distance. This year has brought a great many changes for me as far as friends, family and work. One of my dear friends moved in the fall all the way across the US… the last of the people left that allow me to be myself in public around them that were adults. Knowing that there was a huge opportunity there for them is great, but being left here alone was a tough cookie to swallow… and clearly looking at my ass you can see I love me some cookies. The good news with no adults to be obnoxious (myself) around is that means spending more time with the teens. Not having the arts kitchen open this year has been an odd feeling and the relationships I have made with the kids changes me daily. There is such sincerity and kindness given to me from them on a weekly basis. Essentially it’s like having 40 little brothers and sisters around that I actually like and respect. Hopefully my tough love changes some for the better and encourages others to not be afraid to step out proud of who they are. My family is growing and changing a lot too. It’s been a great year for all of them minus some minor health setbacks. My brother said damn the man and started his own insurance business this year in Vegas. My dad was promoted as the Director of Game Operations for the entire East West Shrine All Star Game in Florida. He is gone often, which automatically promotes me to SHBIC at work ;) For those that are unfamiliar that means… second head bitch in charge. LOL My mom is clearly still the HBIC when she is here. As for me... my life has been a crazy busy swirl of awesomeness… It keeps me from remembering there are nothing but idiots and mooches in this town and I should be happy alone  I work in the daytime with my family and then after work I set up tours for bands. I also, host shows here in town for bands touring. Klamath makes a bitching tour spot between California and Seattle. It gives the kids something to do and allows me the opportunity to make friends from all over the world. Music has always been my fun thing and my escape from the reality of adult hood. I shall forever be my own super hero… business by day and crazy metal head by night  It’s not an easy job at all… but I enjoy a challenge! (www.jcmbooking.com) (www.facebook.com/jcmbooking) This next year look like an even busier year as I am going to be restructuring my company and streamlining some things to make what I do easier… and pass it on to other people. This next year I will also be celebrating my dirty 30 in Vegas! People better be booking some flights and hotels to meet up and be silly with me and my random entourage <3 On a side note… if anyone can get me a reality show I would greatly appreciate it. I think if snooki and honey boo boo can have a show and make thousands of dollars for people to watch them be cray cray… then I should too!! I love you all and remember… Work what ya got… Smile because it confuses people (especially when you are pissed) and as RuPaul says ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else’!? Ohhhh and since it is winter time… don’t eat yellow snow!

Mystery Solved!

Dear friends I come to you today with the answer to an ancient mystery of life... something so important that I might even be interviewed by someone important... or at least D-list quality!

I know some of you may wonder what the hell is she talking about... I am sure you all realize at this point in your life that I am a total, complete, massive fucking genius... so did I find the cure to cancer... did I discover a new planet... did I figure out what the true meaning of the 'new' 13th zodiac sign is? No! However, I did discover why women tend to be bitchy during the special time when her vaja-ja bleeds... Let's break it down for the men folk that can never understand... hence, why they are whiney, annoying babies when they even have a touch of the flu...

First off imagine gaining about 10 pounds in water in 1 day... waking up to fat feet... not being able to put on your favorite pair of shoes because you cannot get your damn foot in it. Trying to put on your favorite pair of jeans... jumping up and down, rolling around, laying on the bed, doing the worm - all just to get the fucking top botton buttoned and the zipper up before it pops off. Hoping you didn't just create the muffin top of the century you decide if it is worth the effort again to put spanks on... hoping then you do not create a little back roll... deciding to just say fuck it and wear a baggier shirt or sweater so you can actually breathe and not pass out around 1030am from lack of fluids, energy or air. Then you crave the most random things in the world... most of them 3 times your normal caloric intake... but comfort foods are the only thing that bring you happiness at that moment. After you go on your snack binge all day you realize yet again you cannot breathe in your jeans that were loose yesterday... wanting to cry because you now feel like a giant fatass float attached to some streamers and part of the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

Now my personal favorite part of the whole exterience is shoving something up 'there' that is meant to hold enough liquid to fill a a small water bottle... if changing that is not enough... imagine the feeling of it filling up... dripping... oh and leaking all over... ruining a pair of panties or worse yet making an 'accident' appear (usually during an important part of the day). The thing most men do not understand is it is truly humiliating... you feel dirty, disgusting, ugly... SO - when we fish for compliments during this special time it's not because we are just shaming you into it... but because we desperately need them to not feel like a complete pile of shit.

So there is the 411 for our fabulous man friends <3

The Institution of Love...

So over the last couple of months I have had a lot of people am just meeting or friends of mine discussing with me how I feel about marriage. For me this isn't something I can just give a simple one word answer to.

Christmas Letter 2011

Well folks… it has been another glorious year for me. I know I have not had much time to spend with each one of you, but that doesn’t mean I like you any less. Instead of writing in each card what has happened this year… I am taking the lazy way our and typing a letter. If you get one of these you should feel special though because I have taken the time to type, decorate, print, fold and mail it.

At the beginning of this year I had a few simple goals for myself… one was to see more shows… two was to have more fun and three, well three was suppose to lose a bit more weight. Two out of three ain’t that bad!

My year started out being with someone that didn’t deserve me… someone not even equal to what I dig out of my catbox everyday. I did learn some valuable life lessons through the failed relationship… and at my age anything new I learn is awesome! The thing we all need to remember in life is if we are doing things to please those around us instead of enjoying our life… we will die either resenting those who we let stand in our way… or we will die empty. I choose to do neither of those things and start doing exactly what I wanted to do this year… I saw a whole lot of live music!

This was definitely the year of music for me… I have gone to over 67 shows… seen over 290+ bands and met people that changed my life. I find nowadays that the experiences I have, the people I meet and the memories I make are the only true things we can have in this life. Cars break down, houses burn, but memories are always there to pluck out of your mind… to hold and cherish until you are senile and forget.

So, if some of you do not know I have my own marketing company I run in my ‘free’ time. I help with branding, logos, print media design and social media. I was fortunate enough to teach businesses how to use facebook for marketing at the Chamber of Commerce… I gotta say I never thought business people would be asking me how to market their company online! I branched out with my marketing company this year and added a new division… Booking & Management for bands. Since music is my passion and I am exceptional at marketing, organization and business in general… why not try and help talented people with their dreams as well. Most friends I have made in the last 5 years have ended up being in bands randomly enough… so why not! Although, this year is actually the first year where I feel like I am in the right place at the right time… everything I have been doing for the last 10 years has come together at the right time. I have been spending a lot of time in Portland this year too… for shows, but also to see more of my other family members/friends. I have decided eventually I need to move there… anyone that knows me can realize I am not a small town girl at all, nor have I ever been. This next year is going to be huge for me! I am launching my new updated website for my management and booking company in January… bringing on photographers and graphic designers to join the team and working with a new record label on 3 tours.

I think as long as you are honest with yourself and what you want out of life… even if you are struggling to live your dream… you are still way ahead of the game of life.

I hope you and yours are doing well and know that even if we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years… you are all in my thoughts!

The Parade...

So... I am going to give my review of last nights Snowflake festival... be reminded my blog is highly inappropriate and rude at times :-) Enjoy!

First of all all it was cold as bald polar bear nuts in Alaska out last night... so that was pretty awesome.

There was a full parade... 100 entries and it appeared to me the whole town had come out (except most were in the damn parade). One thing that really bothered me was the fact that most of the floats or random people sauntering down the street were not labeled and had no signs. How the fuck am I suppose to know who you people are... maybe you were trying to get some amazing point across and change the world, but no one knew who the hell you were so your objective failed...

One thing I learned in my lovely small town is perhaps making snarky comments during the whole parade is not the best way to get people around you to be nice :-) For example when the Sons of Norway float went by with it's cute little vikings in a ship... Spitting out 'Oh wow... it's the white supremacy float... rad!' might not get a lot of people laughing - People now a days have no sense of humor. Perhaps saying ' thank god for Kfalls... because if that float had tried to enter into a parade in Eugene or Portland they would have been shot or denied entry... it's so nice to see all the colors of the rainbow represented here' might not have seemed funny to some people. Sarcasm really is under rated I tell ya!

Another thing I thought was rad was the way the head start bus was decorated... on a serious note that was one of the best decorated vehicle in the whole place... it had lights all over and glitter... it was glorious. I think the people around me thought I was making fun of special people because I said I would drive the fuck out of the short bus. I seriously just wanted to drive it around all lite up!

Something else people don't seem to appreciate is when you scream out 'holy fuck... look at that.. I want one... radsauce'!! There was this awesome giant snow plow with like tracks... that thing looks like it will go anywhere... I was thinking how awesome I should be to open the garage up and be able to plow my driveway in one swipe.

Now there were some high school bands there and I have got to say that Chiloquin High school surprise the shit out of me... there were like 45 kids in their band! I didn't even know that many kids went to that high school and they sounded great! Poor little mazama had about 15 kids and they sounded like a dying camel getting fucking by a dying goat.

All and all it was a pretty good night and I even got felt up by someone... whoever grazed my ass... thank you and Merry Christmas <3