The Journey Alone...

Well I decided to maybe write again... as writing does something for the soul...

The last 16 months of my life have been somewhat of a journey for me... emotionally, physically and mentally. Being someone that has struggled with weight for various reasons, i'd finally reached my rock bottom. Rock bottom for everyone is completely different, but I am a master of making things look perfect... how I was raised... can't let others see our cracks now can we. Well I had cracked, split in two and was barely living my life.... anxiety and ugly crying when I was alone became how I navigated my life. Food has always been a friend to me... when people were mean, when I was left out, when I was ignored... didn't matter because my bestie was always there with a gentle hug. It was a vicious cycle for sure. Back to rock bottom... rock bottom for me was the realization of what my body has become and that I was barely physically able to do simple things like grocery shop without it being a huge fucking deal. I have issues with fatigue between fibromyalgia and lupus... but this was a whole new circle of hell... dante didn't include this one... I created it all on my own. I overcame my body... I retrained it and reset it... the last 16 months of my life have been isolating and lonely. My only constant is long distance friends and my amazing bf... thank you to all the real ones out there... you know who you are and you are classified as family, not friends... I got you! I went on hiking adventures, took paths I would never have taken years ago... explored and conquered. I even completed a mud obstacle run with my vegas crew! Change is the easy part... it's being consistent and staying true to your heart that is the hard part. Remember that when you are at the beginning of a journey... write yourself notes to encourage yourself and break the cycle in your mind. The reason I say you have to be there for yourself is you are doing the work... no one else is. No one else sees the tears, the fight internally... one day the look up and you are changed, but they are the same mentally and physically... I'm going to repeat that... they are the same. You have changed... and that's something I have had the hardest part wrapping my head around. It's like when you go on a life changing vacation and friends see your fb posts, but they cannot understand the journey... the feeling... you are changed forever inside... your eyes see things differently, colors are brighter... everything feel differently when you touch it... you have a calmness in your spirit they cannot understand. That's how this journey has been, but instead of it being a week long it has been 16 months... I am down 225 pounds from when I started... I can now hike 4 miles, crawl through mud pits, go places i'd never think of going... try things I would never normally try.

The one thing people will never tell you is how alone you will be on this journey. Sure you inner circle is there... people are being encouraging, but you are alone... you have to keep that small bubble to push out the nay sayers, the negative hateful ass bitches that don't want you to shine or be proud of yourself... To anyone considering having a sleeve done as a tool, I would 1000 times over say yes! I would never change what I have done or how I chose to do it, but I am grateful for the team of medical staff on my side. Therapist, nutritionist, surgery team, follow up doctors... therapist #1 though... anyone on a weight loss journey MUST absolutely have that mental support and outside influence to help retrain your mind.

The other thing is, stop excluding your weight loss friends... just because I don't eat pizza doesn't mean I don't want invited out ever... for example yesterday was thanksgiving... NOT one fucking person invited me over... and when people text me to ask what I was doing and I said home alone chilling... and your response is oh that sucks, well time to go eat... you are a garbage human... because I am not a garbage human :)  Since I started my journey people stopped inviting me anywhere... and I do mean anywhere. I think it's not so much that people don't want me around, but that they don't know what I can and can't eat etc. Newsflash... I can literally eat any fucking thing I choose too... or I can eat before I go out and just enjoy laughing with friends. Again I circle back to the journey alone... remember that you are forever changed mind, body and soul... and sometimes you just are never on the same page as old friends again. Growing as a person is necessary to keep out of ruts in life... if you are alone on a journey just remember the other warriors out there alone too, not stuck in ruts, but forging their own path, marching to the beat of their own drum... keep marching and one day it's possible your paths with intersect with those you were once close to...

Let Your Light Shine...

It's extremely frustrating in these times that people are still so fucking mean to other people. Who didn't hug you enough when you were a child that you feel the need to be a complete dick to people just to be able to look in the mirror and feel ok? The misconceptions in life that tearing others down to build yourself up is very 1922 and not just kids being kids... or people being people. I have never understood this and I never will.

It is exceptionally difficult wearing the badges 'of honor' in life that we all do and dealing with general ignorance that comes with it. Being amazon tall makes me stand out and be seen... with this comes great responsibility. Not slouching creating body problems... not being afraid to be seen as strong, but it seems to only be alright if you are very thin... god forbid someone be tall and big! Being a plus size amazon goddess can truly be difficult at times... people always joke what kind of kool-aid I drank when I was little or what did I eat. Apparently I ate my fucking vegetables if I grew up like a Clydesdale huh prick face. The thing about me is I have struggled deeply with trying to maintain a 'healthy' body image since I was 8! Some people just have issues being able to take off and keep off weight.... it doesn't mean they are at home eating 2 boxes of cookies daily and eating only fast food, but maybe things are going on inside no one understands. I mean unless you literally see these people at McDonald's daily eating like 5 big macs and not trying to work out.

Now, being big and tall is one thing, but girl oh lordy if you have an opinion and aren't afraid to voice it god help you! It can be perceived as being pushy, rude, dominate, bitchy etc etc. If not being afraid to say what needs said makes me those things then so be it. If a man said 1/2 the shit I do on the regular he would be seen as a god... his friends would worship him. Especially if he was talking about adding bitches to the roster! Why can't a female who is completely comfortable with herself and who is being safe have the same lifestyle? Why is it not alright for me to openly say I am not exclusively dating someone, but I am going to enjoy the company of whomever I desire when I want? Please slut shame me doll and see how far that gets you! Why is being happily married the only thing that makes sense to people? Perhaps someday sometime I will find one man that can satisfy all my needs (mind, body, soul) and not need a roster, but until that time who really gives a fuck?

So, being a tall, big, boss ass bitch whom is opinionated and lives her life how she desires might seem dreamy enough, but then toss in tattooed and 'weird' and we add a whole different level of judgement. I have never understood why people make such an effort to discriminate against tattoos. In ancient times they were badges of honor, family, accomplishments. That is exactly how I see mine... they all are a memory good, bad and in between. Judging someone with tattoos is on the same grounds as judging someone by the color (race) of their skin. Pure ignorance! Now sprinkle in some weirdness and nerdiness and bam... we have our own special mixture of a person... Which just so happens to be The Jessica in this case.

Think of all the things you have gone through in your life and think how is stacks up to what society says is normal... now imagine how hard you have tried to mold yourself into what society wants and how angry that makes you feel. Instead of channeling that anger onto other people use that anger to either fuel yourself to those changes you want or to just say FUCK IT and be happy being you! I remember always feeling like I never stacked up and that something was very wrong with me when I was younger... as an adult I realize that some people are just meant to shine and it's your job to turn that energy back into light... let your light shine... and make sure that if someone is trying to unplug you are turn off your switch that you just toss them in the trash.

Valentine's Day... Schmalentine's Day

This time of year is always difficult for me... mostly for the fact that seeing couples so in love aggravates the hell out of me. Perhaps aggravate isn't the right word here, but more than anything it's that I have never had anyone feel truly, madly, deeply for me, as I have for them. This summer will mark 5 years on my own... sure I date here and there, but I never seem to find anyone that wants to make it past date #2 LOL I always seem to have the attention of men, yet none of them either deem me worthy or themselves worthy of me. I know my character is quite strong and I know what I desire in life, but Valentine's Day seems to be a reminder that for whatever reason I have not been truly loved.

Even when I was younger VDay always seemed disastrous to me. In elementary school I was gone one year on the wretched date and came back to mean notes about how I was already too fat and didn't need any candy so they took it all. Lovely... little heathen bastards. I can remember in junior high and high school dreading the day because I of course didn't have anyone... but there was always chocolates and flowers I sent myself :) Through most of my 20s there were a few terrible VDay dates that ended usually in tears or some curse worse and middle finger departure.

Now in my 30s I am starting to realize several things about myself... We accept the love we think we deserve being my major focus. I realize that I am exceptionally kind to myself... I love exactly who I am no matter what size I am that day. I love every hair on my head... even the 3-8 grey hairs starting to come in, as they usually do during this age. I love every curve, crease, thought line, scar, wrinkle, my skin, my mood changing eyes... my hips... my thighs... I have battle scars, more inside than out... and through all of the destruction and despair I have managed to build a solid foundation and perhaps a bit of a wall to protect what I have built in the last 5 years.

I am now realizing that this time alone has allowed for tremendous growth... I know know exactly what I want and I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me ever again for that. I imagine someday, somewhere, sometime that I will eventually find a true partner to share all this fabulousness with... but for now I am satisfied being who I am, where I am at. However, when I seem all the couples doing their couple type things I wonder what is that like to truly have a partner. Maybe I am just meant to be a lone wolf... maybe I am just meant to be your muse...

I'm Back Bitches...

Hey dolls!  I have finally returned from the depths... I have decided to learn to not give a fuck again about everyone else's meaningless shit.

Small update... I no longer promote or host concerts.

I am now a catlady... focused on my fitness journey. My blog will now mostly consist still of whatever the fuck I feel necessary for me to share to stay sane in my life :)

I spent much of the last couple years doing everything for everyone else that I think it is about time I give myself the attention I need :)

I had a situation about 16 months ago... emergency surgery happened... I didn't die... it was a thing... here is a picture

I think that it looks like a dragon egg... or a gnarly alien baby. When I was so high on morphine I am pretty sure I told the ultra sound guys that I was probed by aliens and this was a miracle baby. Sadly it was just a nasty tumor that was attached to my lady bits and wound around my organs. I suppose I was lucky it attached to nothing else and I can laugh about it now. I am officially naming my tumor Gertrude... she essentially gave me a wake up call and reminded me of what is important in life. Gertrude allowed me to spend my grandmas last year by her side as she fought/lost her battle with cancer, so for that I am forever grateful.  I got a new tattoo to remind me of Gertrude and that I need to remember when it is something trivial... I need to not give a fuck and save my time for things that really matter.

There's a picture of my interpretation of Gertrude and some tits... you're welcome :) 

For the first time in a long time I feel like the old me is back. Recently some of my man candies have told me I am not sweet anymore... and kind of a cunty bitch... well sunshine dolls... all I can say about that is treat others how you want to be treated. If perhaps I am being a bitch look at your actions... the things you say and do and consider the fact that sunshine and daisies do not truly shine out your anus. I am focusing on making myself better. Oh I am gorgeous the way I am? Fabulous... let me meet your friends then. Oh, they are busy that day... interesting. I am sorry that I am not acceptable for your friends to meet, but I am good enough for a night cap LOL 

My fitness and clean eating journey is going to be a long one... I need positive, real people to tell me how it is and be there to hug me. Also, I am weeding the fakes out now... so if I am not good enough now, you can kiss your chances goodbye doll when I am socially acceptable enough for you. So.... bye Felicia! ;) Oddly enough that has been my favorite phrase these days... it's just fun to say.... I don't know why, but just do it... out loud. Say it now... with some sass and snap those fingers honey!

I suppose that is enough for this update... stay posted for this Phat girls journey through the skinny, hate filled world we all know and love.

New Beginings

Christmas 2012

So here we are again… another year done and another letter to all of you. Hopefully you all realize exactly how wonderful you are and how you shape my life, even if we do not speak regularly. This year I wanted to have more fun and to try and keep up with those around me more… I have to say I didn’t do a good job at keeping up with everyone, so for that I have to say… opps my bad. The good news is you are getting a letter now which is filled with I’m sorry, I miss you and let me remind you how fabulous I am. One a serious note though… the reason I am so awesome I because I have such great people always in my life even if we are not close in distance. This year has brought a great many changes for me as far as friends, family and work. One of my dear friends moved in the fall all the way across the US… the last of the people left that allow me to be myself in public around them that were adults. Knowing that there was a huge opportunity there for them is great, but being left here alone was a tough cookie to swallow… and clearly looking at my ass you can see I love me some cookies. The good news with no adults to be obnoxious (myself) around is that means spending more time with the teens. Not having the arts kitchen open this year has been an odd feeling and the relationships I have made with the kids changes me daily. There is such sincerity and kindness given to me from them on a weekly basis. Essentially it’s like having 40 little brothers and sisters around that I actually like and respect. Hopefully my tough love changes some for the better and encourages others to not be afraid to step out proud of who they are. My family is growing and changing a lot too. It’s been a great year for all of them minus some minor health setbacks. My brother said damn the man and started his own insurance business this year in Vegas. My dad was promoted as the Director of Game Operations for the entire East West Shrine All Star Game in Florida. He is gone often, which automatically promotes me to SHBIC at work ;) For those that are unfamiliar that means… second head bitch in charge. LOL My mom is clearly still the HBIC when she is here. As for me... my life has been a crazy busy swirl of awesomeness… It keeps me from remembering there are nothing but idiots and mooches in this town and I should be happy alone  I work in the daytime with my family and then after work I set up tours for bands. I also, host shows here in town for bands touring. Klamath makes a bitching tour spot between California and Seattle. It gives the kids something to do and allows me the opportunity to make friends from all over the world. Music has always been my fun thing and my escape from the reality of adult hood. I shall forever be my own super hero… business by day and crazy metal head by night  It’s not an easy job at all… but I enjoy a challenge! (www.jcmbooking.com) (www.facebook.com/jcmbooking) This next year look like an even busier year as I am going to be restructuring my company and streamlining some things to make what I do easier… and pass it on to other people. This next year I will also be celebrating my dirty 30 in Vegas! People better be booking some flights and hotels to meet up and be silly with me and my random entourage <3 On a side note… if anyone can get me a reality show I would greatly appreciate it. I think if snooki and honey boo boo can have a show and make thousands of dollars for people to watch them be cray cray… then I should too!! I love you all and remember… Work what ya got… Smile because it confuses people (especially when you are pissed) and as RuPaul says ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else’!? Ohhhh and since it is winter time… don’t eat yellow snow!

Mystery Solved!

Dear friends I come to you today with the answer to an ancient mystery of life... something so important that I might even be interviewed by someone important... or at least D-list quality!

I know some of you may wonder what the hell is she talking about... I am sure you all realize at this point in your life that I am a total, complete, massive fucking genius... so did I find the cure to cancer... did I discover a new planet... did I figure out what the true meaning of the 'new' 13th zodiac sign is? No! However, I did discover why women tend to be bitchy during the special time when her vaja-ja bleeds... Let's break it down for the men folk that can never understand... hence, why they are whiney, annoying babies when they even have a touch of the flu...

First off imagine gaining about 10 pounds in water in 1 day... waking up to fat feet... not being able to put on your favorite pair of shoes because you cannot get your damn foot in it. Trying to put on your favorite pair of jeans... jumping up and down, rolling around, laying on the bed, doing the worm - all just to get the fucking top botton buttoned and the zipper up before it pops off. Hoping you didn't just create the muffin top of the century you decide if it is worth the effort again to put spanks on... hoping then you do not create a little back roll... deciding to just say fuck it and wear a baggier shirt or sweater so you can actually breathe and not pass out around 1030am from lack of fluids, energy or air. Then you crave the most random things in the world... most of them 3 times your normal caloric intake... but comfort foods are the only thing that bring you happiness at that moment. After you go on your snack binge all day you realize yet again you cannot breathe in your jeans that were loose yesterday... wanting to cry because you now feel like a giant fatass float attached to some streamers and part of the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

Now my personal favorite part of the whole exterience is shoving something up 'there' that is meant to hold enough liquid to fill a a small water bottle... if changing that is not enough... imagine the feeling of it filling up... dripping... oh and leaking all over... ruining a pair of panties or worse yet making an 'accident' appear (usually during an important part of the day). The thing most men do not understand is it is truly humiliating... you feel dirty, disgusting, ugly... SO - when we fish for compliments during this special time it's not because we are just shaming you into it... but because we desperately need them to not feel like a complete pile of shit.

So there is the 411 for our fabulous man friends <3

The Institution of Love...

So over the last couple of months I have had a lot of people am just meeting or friends of mine discussing with me how I feel about marriage. For me this isn't something I can just give a simple one word answer to.

Christmas Letter 2011

Well folks… it has been another glorious year for me. I know I have not had much time to spend with each one of you, but that doesn’t mean I like you any less. Instead of writing in each card what has happened this year… I am taking the lazy way our and typing a letter. If you get one of these you should feel special though because I have taken the time to type, decorate, print, fold and mail it.

At the beginning of this year I had a few simple goals for myself… one was to see more shows… two was to have more fun and three, well three was suppose to lose a bit more weight. Two out of three ain’t that bad!

My year started out being with someone that didn’t deserve me… someone not even equal to what I dig out of my catbox everyday. I did learn some valuable life lessons through the failed relationship… and at my age anything new I learn is awesome! The thing we all need to remember in life is if we are doing things to please those around us instead of enjoying our life… we will die either resenting those who we let stand in our way… or we will die empty. I choose to do neither of those things and start doing exactly what I wanted to do this year… I saw a whole lot of live music!

This was definitely the year of music for me… I have gone to over 67 shows… seen over 290+ bands and met people that changed my life. I find nowadays that the experiences I have, the people I meet and the memories I make are the only true things we can have in this life. Cars break down, houses burn, but memories are always there to pluck out of your mind… to hold and cherish until you are senile and forget.

So, if some of you do not know I have my own marketing company I run in my ‘free’ time. I help with branding, logos, print media design and social media. I was fortunate enough to teach businesses how to use facebook for marketing at the Chamber of Commerce… I gotta say I never thought business people would be asking me how to market their company online! I branched out with my marketing company this year and added a new division… Booking & Management for bands. Since music is my passion and I am exceptional at marketing, organization and business in general… why not try and help talented people with their dreams as well. Most friends I have made in the last 5 years have ended up being in bands randomly enough… so why not! Although, this year is actually the first year where I feel like I am in the right place at the right time… everything I have been doing for the last 10 years has come together at the right time. I have been spending a lot of time in Portland this year too… for shows, but also to see more of my other family members/friends. I have decided eventually I need to move there… anyone that knows me can realize I am not a small town girl at all, nor have I ever been. This next year is going to be huge for me! I am launching my new updated website for my management and booking company in January… bringing on photographers and graphic designers to join the team and working with a new record label on 3 tours.

I think as long as you are honest with yourself and what you want out of life… even if you are struggling to live your dream… you are still way ahead of the game of life.

I hope you and yours are doing well and know that even if we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years… you are all in my thoughts!

The Parade...

So... I am going to give my review of last nights Snowflake festival... be reminded my blog is highly inappropriate and rude at times :-) Enjoy!

First of all all it was cold as bald polar bear nuts in Alaska out last night... so that was pretty awesome.

There was a full parade... 100 entries and it appeared to me the whole town had come out (except most were in the damn parade). One thing that really bothered me was the fact that most of the floats or random people sauntering down the street were not labeled and had no signs. How the fuck am I suppose to know who you people are... maybe you were trying to get some amazing point across and change the world, but no one knew who the hell you were so your objective failed...

One thing I learned in my lovely small town is perhaps making snarky comments during the whole parade is not the best way to get people around you to be nice :-) For example when the Sons of Norway float went by with it's cute little vikings in a ship... Spitting out 'Oh wow... it's the white supremacy float... rad!' might not get a lot of people laughing - People now a days have no sense of humor. Perhaps saying ' thank god for Kfalls... because if that float had tried to enter into a parade in Eugene or Portland they would have been shot or denied entry... it's so nice to see all the colors of the rainbow represented here' might not have seemed funny to some people. Sarcasm really is under rated I tell ya!

Another thing I thought was rad was the way the head start bus was decorated... on a serious note that was one of the best decorated vehicle in the whole place... it had lights all over and glitter... it was glorious. I think the people around me thought I was making fun of special people because I said I would drive the fuck out of the short bus. I seriously just wanted to drive it around all lite up!

Something else people don't seem to appreciate is when you scream out 'holy fuck... look at that.. I want one... radsauce'!! There was this awesome giant snow plow with like tracks... that thing looks like it will go anywhere... I was thinking how awesome I should be to open the garage up and be able to plow my driveway in one swipe.

Now there were some high school bands there and I have got to say that Chiloquin High school surprise the shit out of me... there were like 45 kids in their band! I didn't even know that many kids went to that high school and they sounded great! Poor little mazama had about 15 kids and they sounded like a dying camel getting fucking by a dying goat.

All and all it was a pretty good night and I even got felt up by someone... whoever grazed my ass... thank you and Merry Christmas <3

Dating...

Uh... I really enjoy being single and having the freedom to do what I want when I want, even if that means watching reality tv in a tank top and undies... it's all fun and games until someone asks you out on a date, or wants to introduce you to this great friend they know would be perfect for you. Fuck that shit bitches! Seriously if they are so perfect for me why haven't we met before at some function in which I currently enjoy? I don't know... call me negative or whatever you want, I am just so over the whole dating process. For the most part it is a bunch of bullshit anyway... sit there pretty, be polite, smile, laugh at lame jokes he tries to formulate awkwardly amongst the terrible conversation... I think it is quite possible that some people are not meant to meet their match for several years down the line. I think that when things are suppose to happen they will, so why force it. Friends are fabulous, especially when you are busy like me.

I guess I feel a lot of times in my tiny town no one gets me. It's hard spending most of your life somewhere feeling like an alien from another planet... people always staring, always whispering... I love who I am and though it is far from perfect I think I am doing a hell of a job at life. Most people in my town pretty much suck at life... not meaning to make anyone feel bad, but for real people are closed minded, they cannot see past the welcome sign of our town and choose not to realize there is a big world of amazing wonders and possibilities. Either that or they are a drug addict or alcoholic... it makes me sad being around so many people just wasting their life...

Bring that back into the subject of dating... I suppose I can be said to be picky. I do not see what is wrong with wanting someone that is not a drug addict, not an alcoholic, has a job, doesn't have several children with other women, doesn't have some random crazy mental disorder. Is it really that much to want a life partner that has a job, most all his teeth, some intelligence, humor and doesn't completely look tragic physically? I love a great smile and eyes...

So... as they say, back to the drawing board... I don't expect a man to have everything I have, but be able to handle exactly who I am with confidence and not puss out. If you tell me you think you are not good enough for me then you are right... have some confidence boys... man up and fucking bring your balls to the table when you come at me <3

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to give a rats ass about anyone... I really think I am flawed beyond any hope lol

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

As most of you know I am a bit nutty anyway... so being woken up in strange ways isn't that odd for me. However, today was an exceptionally odd way to be woken up.

So, I wake up at 5am everyday to feed my cats (yes I realize they are spoiled) and then check emails etc. Today is was cold and feeling lazy, so I went back to bed. Twenty minutes into my warm coma I am jolted from my sexy dream to the sound of hissing, meowing, glass breaking and all out calamity. Holy hell... seriously someone has got to know better than try and break into my house at 530am right?... hello all the lights are on and the sun is coming up. So me being the genius I am decides the first thing I need to grab is no not a gun, but pants. What kind of maniac is going to confront someone naked right? LOL get some pjs on and get the gun... tip toeing from my room to the kitchen. I slowing peak around the corner to find Ebio on top of the fridge, Sofia on the counter running back and forth and Genevieve on the table... and a big fucking bird on top of my cabinets flapping its' wings. What the fuck... how did a giant fucking bird get in my house? Panicking I go check every window and door in my house... all locked and none broken. Next I check all the light fixtures - make sure none have been pushed down or broken. Then I remember in my laundry room I heard chirping a few days ago in the wall... somehow that fat fuck got into my soffet... hopped around and fell down into my interior wall (hence why everyone should insulate all your interior walls too) and broke through the sheetrock where my garage door handle slammed into a few months ago... there is not a 4" hold I need to patch - awesome.

Ok - so now I know it's a bird... poor thing is close to having a heart attack with 3 fats cats ready to rip its' pretty little head off... I need a plan. So - the plan was to get the cats into my bedroom, locks them up and somehow heard the bird with a broom out my front door. Good thing I already had some clothes on ;) Just imagine me: hair a mess... in pjs... front door open running up and down the hallway with a broom trying to get the damn bird out...

Just another day in the life of The Fabulous Miss Jessica <3

Selfish Much?

Ok - So as most of you know if you are a true friend of mine I am overly kind... to the point I even let people walk on me. Enough of that shit... I am extremely tired of being that kind of friend. At this point in my life I feel if you are not willing to do the same I am willing to do for you... why are you in my life? Those people only seem to suck the life from me and try to take what little time and resources I have left. When a friend becomes expectant of certain things because that how things have always works or because they are a comfort level where they do not feel the need to ask... that is the point I begin to ask myself why? I always put every person before myself and I always ask to use something, ask if they are having fun at a gathering... just ask and communicate. Is it so much to want that in return... or even a simple thank you?

Life seems to throw some random things at all of us... I am always there to be the shoulder to cry on when my friends need anything... but when I found out my last bf was a total slimball... cheated on me and actually hit me when he was drunk... where were my friends? It seems to me that when I really, really need someone, people are extremely sparse... now if someone wants to go to a show, or have me buy them dinner, or drive them to an out of town concert... there is a mile long list... wtf?

I guess I have too big of a heart... too much love and kindness? I really should be calling most friends acquaintances and not giving them much thought... only allowing room for a select few that are always there. DON'T get me wrong... I have some VERY good friends out there... you know exactly who you are... I love you all and I know that you all have some intense situations you are working through. Just remember though I have a smile on my face and all always seems perfect... don't forget to take a second to just say hi and give me a hug :-)

I suppose what I am saying is my give o' shit meter just ran out... if you are not a real friend and have not been there for me, don't expect me to give a fuck about any random drama in your life... don't expect me to return a phone call (if you ever call) and don't expect me to do anything for free anymore! My time is very valuable and I have big goals and dreams... my life will be very different in just 2 years if I stay focused. I am not willing to let all the haters suck my dreams from me... and if you plan on riding my coat tails... go fuck yourself <3

I am hoping this will be a very liberating experience... and if you genuinely feel like we have always been good friends, you know how to reach me... this isn't directed at one specific person... I have several in mind... and I am just at the point that I am tired of being every one's fucking mommy!

The Truth Shall Set You Free

So... recently I have been going back in forth in my mind what my problem is with men... I realize that I am exactly who I am when I meet a man, but somehow I allow myself to change... be manipulated by what they want me to be or what they see fit for society... look you knew who I was when you met me prickface now get over it... Then somehow I realize what is going on and try to find my way out - Stand up for myself and let them know I am the same woman I was when they met me... this either ends in a fuck off I am done or getting beat down. Why is it men find the need to hit the woman 'they love'... why can't they stand side by side a strong woman and be happy she chooses him? I have been through way too many relationships that have turned abusive and I think it is high time I stand up and declare no more... ever... If you are interested in dating me and even raise a finger just know I am coming with the wrath of 6 negative relationships that were filled with anger and negativity to you... I am the sweetest person in the world until I am at my limit. At this point of my life I have hit that wall... I am done.

AND to those that have done anything to me... I am not afraid.. it has only made me stronger.

You're not wearing any pants...

So... I had the pleasure of going with my two favorite concerts buddies (Haywood and Brian B.) to a very intimate show at Johnny B's in Medford last night. And when I say intimate... I mean crowded, balls in your face and brutal small nonstop circle pit! One thing I absolutely love about small venues is the fact that it's like one extremely large fucked up family that you never want to be without enjoying the exact some thing you are and feeling the exact way you do. Music = Love

The evening starts out just like any other.... Haywood extremely bored and excited texting me wondering when I am coming to get him. Brian being fashionably late and making us wait - Adding to the anticipation. By 6pm that day I was on energy drink number 5... NUMBER 5! Holy shit how do I survive in life... or my nervous system? I drink the sugar free ones, so I think that really doesn't count. Needless to say, I am pretty damn spastic after 5 energy drinks... :-) The drive over consists of stories from past adventures... most recently the Red, Head, Disciple, Silverline show where we got to meet and greet the handsome little nuggets of Red. The question and answer session went something like this: "What is the inspiration for 'Breathe Into Me'? Blah blah blah... and then we have captain dumbass asking: "How do I become a rockstar?" Red politely responds with " I'm not really sure what you mean"... "How do I do what you do, so I can be fucking rich and get chicks?" LOL... the sad thing was the kid was totally serious... the look on the faces of the Red guys was priceless! Then there was the creepy, pathetic old lady stalker in her 1970s groupie gear... classic not always a classic! I figure if I can find pants to fit my ass in the rest of America can too... if you are wearing something that would get you put on the people of walmart website to a concert and can't understand why people are looking at you like Wtf... maybe you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house.

So... we arrive at the lovely Johnny B's and snag a space right in the front. For those of you that have never been there it is a little Rockabilly bar that also sells 40 oz beers (sublime style lol). I think the maximum occupancy is somewhere around 125 people. As soon as the show started there were about double that amount of people crammed in there moshing around. After the Hollowbodys killed in in one of the best sets I have seen them play, Boldtype took the stage. They are a punk rock band from Colorado. They did a great job... crazy pit action and kept the crowd engaged... definately important! One thing I found odd at this show was Brian and I stuck out like sore thumbs... which is completely odd for me! Usually when I go somewhere people stare at me like the odd one and on this particular evening people were staring at me like the normal one!? Me normal? Wow... punk shows rule! It didn't matter that I had studded bracelets on... converse sneakers, tee shirt, eyeliner and tattoos... what made me stand out was the fact I wasn't drinking. Actually Brian and I were the only people there that didn't have a 40oz in hand! LOL - classic :-) Guttermouth killed the final set of the show.. nonstop pit action, fuck yous and you sucks! Anyway... when they started playing the pit went wild... so wild in fact, one giant stack of speakers was completely knocked over and almost squished their guitar player!?! Hehe punk shows are so fun... gritty and real! I love it! After the show of course we had to do our networking and spend a little time with the bands. The great thins about bands like that is they are truly down to earth and there for a good time. It's not about money, fame... it's about the love of music and what music does to people... the affect it has on the human spirit and emotion.. fun and freedom in that moment.

After the show came the funniest fucking part of the night. Let me set the scene up... Taco Bell drive through... 1am, Medford, OR - Feb. 9th, 2011... Haywood is smashed by this time, Brian is delirious for being tired and me... well I am now 6 energy drinks into the evening, delirious and goofy. Trying to order food in the drive through with all of that going on is quite a task: "Welcome to Taco Bell, How are you this evening?" 'I'm fantastically delicious' "giggle giggle um ok... well I can take your order when you are ready" 'hmmmm ok. I would like a happy box please'... and then Haywood and Brian in the back are screaming out random words and making it sound like they are saying something and the receiving box is acting up... ' I...large...spicy...extra...cream...box...wrap...enchilada...' - Then I ask her what is in a spicy chicken burrito? "well chicken, green something sauce, tomatoes, lettuce and peas" 'peas? why the hell are peas in a burrito... are those fresh?' "no, no... cheese" 'yeah why are there peas in the burrito' - Brian says 'omg are you serious dumbass she said cheese... you know the orange stuff' LOL ohhhh yeah well it was hard to hear with tweedle dee and dumm in the back in my ear shouting random shit. So... we get our order placed and pull up to the window and the lady is just laughing by this time. Haywood leans over and rolls down his window and shouts its ok we just got done with a punk show... you know spikes and chains and kids dancing around in skinny jeans... So I turn around (forgetting the taco bell lady is standing there with the window open) and say 'for fuck sake Haywood... you're not wearing any pants so shut the fuck up' LOL omg that ladies face turned the brightest red I have ever seen on anyone in my life... then the entire staff proceeds to run to the window to get a glimpse of Haywood - little did they know he was wearing shorts LOL - Priceless moment for sure... just another day in the life of Jessica

Random Ramblings...

How is it that in the world we can always be surrounded by people, yet feel so alone? Lately I have this overwhelming sense of alienation and it makes me wonder what am I doing wrong. I seem to go over and above the call of duty in every situation and aspect of my life, yet at the end of the day I have nothing there cheering me on or making me feel like all my efforts are appreciated. Being the type of person I am it is extremely frustrating to me how someone cannot verbalize their thoughts or feelings... I realize we cannot all be out there how I am... don't those people realize that us go getter's in life need to feel appreciated to? I guess what I am saying is why is it that the ones that need affection, adoration and to know they are doing a good job never get it? I am not asking the world to kiss my ass or even those close to me... Perhaps I am just seeking answers. A thank you... a hug... flowers... a card written with thought... a kind word or smile... these are the things in life I work so hard to strive for and never seem to get. I guess they are right when they say those who do the most, receive the least...

Hello... Sorry I have been away!

So my fabulous readers...

I have taken a month to refind myself... gotten rid of some negative baggage and really started enjoying life. Now I feel that my writing is going to come from an honest place... I finally decided to take my own advice <3

I love you all!

Not interested until it's gone...

Recently