Even when I was younger VDay always seemed disastrous to me. In elementary school I was gone one year on the wretched date and came back to mean notes about how I was already too fat and didn't need any candy so they took it all. Lovely... little heathen bastards. I can remember in junior high and high school dreading the day because I of course didn't have anyone... but there was always chocolates and flowers I sent myself :) Through most of my 20s there were a few terrible VDay dates that ended usually in tears or some curse worse and middle finger departure.
Now in my 30s I am starting to realize several things about myself... We accept the love we think we deserve being my major focus. I realize that I am exceptionally kind to myself... I love exactly who I am no matter what size I am that day. I love every hair on my head... even the 3-8 grey hairs starting to come in, as they usually do during this age. I love every curve, crease, thought line, scar, wrinkle, my skin, my mood changing eyes... my hips... my thighs... I have battle scars, more inside than out... and through all of the destruction and despair I have managed to build a solid foundation and perhaps a bit of a wall to protect what I have built in the last 5 years.
I am now realizing that this time alone has allowed for tremendous growth... I know know exactly what I want and I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me ever again for that. I imagine someday, somewhere, sometime that I will eventually find a true partner to share all this fabulousness with... but for now I am satisfied being who I am, where I am at. However, when I seem all the couples doing their couple type things I wonder what is that like to truly have a partner. Maybe I am just meant to be a lone wolf... maybe I am just meant to be your muse...
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