Selfish Much?

Ok - So as most of you know if you are a true friend of mine I am overly kind... to the point I even let people walk on me. Enough of that shit... I am extremely tired of being that kind of friend. At this point in my life I feel if you are not willing to do the same I am willing to do for you... why are you in my life? Those people only seem to suck the life from me and try to take what little time and resources I have left. When a friend becomes expectant of certain things because that how things have always works or because they are a comfort level where they do not feel the need to ask... that is the point I begin to ask myself why? I always put every person before myself and I always ask to use something, ask if they are having fun at a gathering... just ask and communicate. Is it so much to want that in return... or even a simple thank you?

Life seems to throw some random things at all of us... I am always there to be the shoulder to cry on when my friends need anything... but when I found out my last bf was a total slimball... cheated on me and actually hit me when he was drunk... where were my friends? It seems to me that when I really, really need someone, people are extremely sparse... now if someone wants to go to a show, or have me buy them dinner, or drive them to an out of town concert... there is a mile long list... wtf?

I guess I have too big of a heart... too much love and kindness? I really should be calling most friends acquaintances and not giving them much thought... only allowing room for a select few that are always there. DON'T get me wrong... I have some VERY good friends out there... you know exactly who you are... I love you all and I know that you all have some intense situations you are working through. Just remember though I have a smile on my face and all always seems perfect... don't forget to take a second to just say hi and give me a hug :-)

I suppose what I am saying is my give o' shit meter just ran out... if you are not a real friend and have not been there for me, don't expect me to give a fuck about any random drama in your life... don't expect me to return a phone call (if you ever call) and don't expect me to do anything for free anymore! My time is very valuable and I have big goals and dreams... my life will be very different in just 2 years if I stay focused. I am not willing to let all the haters suck my dreams from me... and if you plan on riding my coat tails... go fuck yourself <3

I am hoping this will be a very liberating experience... and if you genuinely feel like we have always been good friends, you know how to reach me... this isn't directed at one specific person... I have several in mind... and I am just at the point that I am tired of being every one's fucking mommy!

The Truth Shall Set You Free

So... recently I have been going back in forth in my mind what my problem is with men... I realize that I am exactly who I am when I meet a man, but somehow I allow myself to change... be manipulated by what they want me to be or what they see fit for society... look you knew who I was when you met me prickface now get over it... Then somehow I realize what is going on and try to find my way out - Stand up for myself and let them know I am the same woman I was when they met me... this either ends in a fuck off I am done or getting beat down. Why is it men find the need to hit the woman 'they love'... why can't they stand side by side a strong woman and be happy she chooses him? I have been through way too many relationships that have turned abusive and I think it is high time I stand up and declare no more... ever... If you are interested in dating me and even raise a finger just know I am coming with the wrath of 6 negative relationships that were filled with anger and negativity to you... I am the sweetest person in the world until I am at my limit. At this point of my life I have hit that wall... I am done.

AND to those that have done anything to me... I am not afraid.. it has only made me stronger.

You're not wearing any pants...

So... I had the pleasure of going with my two favorite concerts buddies (Haywood and Brian B.) to a very intimate show at Johnny B's in Medford last night. And when I say intimate... I mean crowded, balls in your face and brutal small nonstop circle pit! One thing I absolutely love about small venues is the fact that it's like one extremely large fucked up family that you never want to be without enjoying the exact some thing you are and feeling the exact way you do. Music = Love

The evening starts out just like any other.... Haywood extremely bored and excited texting me wondering when I am coming to get him. Brian being fashionably late and making us wait - Adding to the anticipation. By 6pm that day I was on energy drink number 5... NUMBER 5! Holy shit how do I survive in life... or my nervous system? I drink the sugar free ones, so I think that really doesn't count. Needless to say, I am pretty damn spastic after 5 energy drinks... :-) The drive over consists of stories from past adventures... most recently the Red, Head, Disciple, Silverline show where we got to meet and greet the handsome little nuggets of Red. The question and answer session went something like this: "What is the inspiration for 'Breathe Into Me'? Blah blah blah... and then we have captain dumbass asking: "How do I become a rockstar?" Red politely responds with " I'm not really sure what you mean"... "How do I do what you do, so I can be fucking rich and get chicks?" LOL... the sad thing was the kid was totally serious... the look on the faces of the Red guys was priceless! Then there was the creepy, pathetic old lady stalker in her 1970s groupie gear... classic not always a classic! I figure if I can find pants to fit my ass in the rest of America can too... if you are wearing something that would get you put on the people of walmart website to a concert and can't understand why people are looking at you like Wtf... maybe you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house.

So... we arrive at the lovely Johnny B's and snag a space right in the front. For those of you that have never been there it is a little Rockabilly bar that also sells 40 oz beers (sublime style lol). I think the maximum occupancy is somewhere around 125 people. As soon as the show started there were about double that amount of people crammed in there moshing around. After the Hollowbodys killed in in one of the best sets I have seen them play, Boldtype took the stage. They are a punk rock band from Colorado. They did a great job... crazy pit action and kept the crowd engaged... definately important! One thing I found odd at this show was Brian and I stuck out like sore thumbs... which is completely odd for me! Usually when I go somewhere people stare at me like the odd one and on this particular evening people were staring at me like the normal one!? Me normal? Wow... punk shows rule! It didn't matter that I had studded bracelets on... converse sneakers, tee shirt, eyeliner and tattoos... what made me stand out was the fact I wasn't drinking. Actually Brian and I were the only people there that didn't have a 40oz in hand! LOL - classic :-) Guttermouth killed the final set of the show.. nonstop pit action, fuck yous and you sucks! Anyway... when they started playing the pit went wild... so wild in fact, one giant stack of speakers was completely knocked over and almost squished their guitar player!?! Hehe punk shows are so fun... gritty and real! I love it! After the show of course we had to do our networking and spend a little time with the bands. The great thins about bands like that is they are truly down to earth and there for a good time. It's not about money, fame... it's about the love of music and what music does to people... the affect it has on the human spirit and emotion.. fun and freedom in that moment.

After the show came the funniest fucking part of the night. Let me set the scene up... Taco Bell drive through... 1am, Medford, OR - Feb. 9th, 2011... Haywood is smashed by this time, Brian is delirious for being tired and me... well I am now 6 energy drinks into the evening, delirious and goofy. Trying to order food in the drive through with all of that going on is quite a task: "Welcome to Taco Bell, How are you this evening?" 'I'm fantastically delicious' "giggle giggle um ok... well I can take your order when you are ready" 'hmmmm ok. I would like a happy box please'... and then Haywood and Brian in the back are screaming out random words and making it sound like they are saying something and the receiving box is acting up... ' I...large...spicy...extra...cream...box...wrap...enchilada...' - Then I ask her what is in a spicy chicken burrito? "well chicken, green something sauce, tomatoes, lettuce and peas" 'peas? why the hell are peas in a burrito... are those fresh?' "no, no... cheese" 'yeah why are there peas in the burrito' - Brian says 'omg are you serious dumbass she said cheese... you know the orange stuff' LOL ohhhh yeah well it was hard to hear with tweedle dee and dumm in the back in my ear shouting random shit. So... we get our order placed and pull up to the window and the lady is just laughing by this time. Haywood leans over and rolls down his window and shouts its ok we just got done with a punk show... you know spikes and chains and kids dancing around in skinny jeans... So I turn around (forgetting the taco bell lady is standing there with the window open) and say 'for fuck sake Haywood... you're not wearing any pants so shut the fuck up' LOL omg that ladies face turned the brightest red I have ever seen on anyone in my life... then the entire staff proceeds to run to the window to get a glimpse of Haywood - little did they know he was wearing shorts LOL - Priceless moment for sure... just another day in the life of Jessica

Random Ramblings...

How is it that in the world we can always be surrounded by people, yet feel so alone? Lately I have this overwhelming sense of alienation and it makes me wonder what am I doing wrong. I seem to go over and above the call of duty in every situation and aspect of my life, yet at the end of the day I have nothing there cheering me on or making me feel like all my efforts are appreciated. Being the type of person I am it is extremely frustrating to me how someone cannot verbalize their thoughts or feelings... I realize we cannot all be out there how I am... don't those people realize that us go getter's in life need to feel appreciated to? I guess what I am saying is why is it that the ones that need affection, adoration and to know they are doing a good job never get it? I am not asking the world to kiss my ass or even those close to me... Perhaps I am just seeking answers. A thank you... a hug... flowers... a card written with thought... a kind word or smile... these are the things in life I work so hard to strive for and never seem to get. I guess they are right when they say those who do the most, receive the least...

Hello... Sorry I have been away!

So my fabulous readers...

I have taken a month to refind myself... gotten rid of some negative baggage and really started enjoying life. Now I feel that my writing is going to come from an honest place... I finally decided to take my own advice <3

I love you all!

Not interested until it's gone...

Recently

Changes....

As time seems to keep passing by I look up and see less and less faces still on my journey with me. I realize that people need to grow and change in life and that people do that at different paces and go in different directions... but sometimes I feel like I am on my own set of train tracks. Am I changing so much that I no longer have anything in common with people I care dearly for... or is everyone else just fading into the background? I have a lot of love and time to give to people and have always been that type of person that can mingle in any crowd. Recently though I feel like an odd ducky... am I just in my own little world here? Perhaps... maybe I have finally hit that wall that everyone eventually does when they make decisions in life that most people are not ready to. I admit that I can be to focused and driven, but I wouldn't be myself if I just let my world swallow me whole... I need to be in control of it and be on top of the mountain. Not that being on top is a bad things... especially if your boobs are the size of most people's heads... personally I do not want to die of asphyxiation by my own hand LOL or boobs... anyway getting back to reality for a minute... I just cannot help but think what the hell. Why is it a bad thing to be determined and just want time from people. I never expect anything from anyone but time and respect. I apologize for the fact that I hold people accountable for their actions... I feel that if you really want to be a good friend following through with actions really will not be that bad of a thing... maybe on the other hand it is and that is one of my biggest downfalls. I suppose the average person does not follow through with things and that is one of the things that makes them average... is it a character flaw that I feel bad when I let someone down and only ask the same respect of others when it comes to my time and feelings? I suppose that if that is the major personality flaw I have... I must be doing pretty well in life. (or at least that is what I am going to tell myself)

The thing that baffles my mind the most this last few years is friendship and changes. I have had a lot of friends come and go... and been there for weddings, funerals and divorces... children, boyfriends, movings, career changes and through seeing all my friends' lives... I have seen happiness, sadness and all that comes between. With all of this knowledge comes burdens... the burden to always do the right thing and be there for them... even though I know I am just another stop on the bumpy plane ride of life.... a busy airport terminal that people come and go from... not looking back unless their path crosses mine again. I do not mind this role in life..... I just wish people would realize that I am human too. My heart breaks just as easy as others... more so sometimes I fear... I just wish that people understood that even if everyone always appears to have everything together all the time... a few kinds words and a hug can do wonders. Human contact and affection is something that can never be replaced. :-) Not everything is as it always seems and sometimes taking that step back and pause in life is the one thing that will save you from negativity and heart ache. Cherish those closest to you in life and remember that all roads in life are two way streets... you bump into people from time to time... accidents, pot holes and deer may run into you... but at the end of the day you can choose how you want to react to those obstacles. Change can bring positivity and light that you may have never had in life and you never know which direction the road is going to go... all you can do is simply follow it and learn from mistakes.