The Journey Alone...

Well I decided to maybe write again... as writing does something for the soul...

The last 16 months of my life have been somewhat of a journey for me... emotionally, physically and mentally. Being someone that has struggled with weight for various reasons, i'd finally reached my rock bottom. Rock bottom for everyone is completely different, but I am a master of making things look perfect... how I was raised... can't let others see our cracks now can we. Well I had cracked, split in two and was barely living my life.... anxiety and ugly crying when I was alone became how I navigated my life. Food has always been a friend to me... when people were mean, when I was left out, when I was ignored... didn't matter because my bestie was always there with a gentle hug. It was a vicious cycle for sure. Back to rock bottom... rock bottom for me was the realization of what my body has become and that I was barely physically able to do simple things like grocery shop without it being a huge fucking deal. I have issues with fatigue between fibromyalgia and lupus... but this was a whole new circle of hell... dante didn't include this one... I created it all on my own. I overcame my body... I retrained it and reset it... the last 16 months of my life have been isolating and lonely. My only constant is long distance friends and my amazing bf... thank you to all the real ones out there... you know who you are and you are classified as family, not friends... I got you! I went on hiking adventures, took paths I would never have taken years ago... explored and conquered. I even completed a mud obstacle run with my vegas crew! Change is the easy part... it's being consistent and staying true to your heart that is the hard part. Remember that when you are at the beginning of a journey... write yourself notes to encourage yourself and break the cycle in your mind. The reason I say you have to be there for yourself is you are doing the work... no one else is. No one else sees the tears, the fight internally... one day the look up and you are changed, but they are the same mentally and physically... I'm going to repeat that... they are the same. You have changed... and that's something I have had the hardest part wrapping my head around. It's like when you go on a life changing vacation and friends see your fb posts, but they cannot understand the journey... the feeling... you are changed forever inside... your eyes see things differently, colors are brighter... everything feel differently when you touch it... you have a calmness in your spirit they cannot understand. That's how this journey has been, but instead of it being a week long it has been 16 months... I am down 225 pounds from when I started... I can now hike 4 miles, crawl through mud pits, go places i'd never think of going... try things I would never normally try.

The one thing people will never tell you is how alone you will be on this journey. Sure you inner circle is there... people are being encouraging, but you are alone... you have to keep that small bubble to push out the nay sayers, the negative hateful ass bitches that don't want you to shine or be proud of yourself... To anyone considering having a sleeve done as a tool, I would 1000 times over say yes! I would never change what I have done or how I chose to do it, but I am grateful for the team of medical staff on my side. Therapist, nutritionist, surgery team, follow up doctors... therapist #1 though... anyone on a weight loss journey MUST absolutely have that mental support and outside influence to help retrain your mind.

The other thing is, stop excluding your weight loss friends... just because I don't eat pizza doesn't mean I don't want invited out ever... for example yesterday was thanksgiving... NOT one fucking person invited me over... and when people text me to ask what I was doing and I said home alone chilling... and your response is oh that sucks, well time to go eat... you are a garbage human... because I am not a garbage human :)  Since I started my journey people stopped inviting me anywhere... and I do mean anywhere. I think it's not so much that people don't want me around, but that they don't know what I can and can't eat etc. Newsflash... I can literally eat any fucking thing I choose too... or I can eat before I go out and just enjoy laughing with friends. Again I circle back to the journey alone... remember that you are forever changed mind, body and soul... and sometimes you just are never on the same page as old friends again. Growing as a person is necessary to keep out of ruts in life... if you are alone on a journey just remember the other warriors out there alone too, not stuck in ruts, but forging their own path, marching to the beat of their own drum... keep marching and one day it's possible your paths with intersect with those you were once close to...

Let Your Light Shine...

It's extremely frustrating in these times that people are still so fucking mean to other people. Who didn't hug you enough when you were a child that you feel the need to be a complete dick to people just to be able to look in the mirror and feel ok? The misconceptions in life that tearing others down to build yourself up is very 1922 and not just kids being kids... or people being people. I have never understood this and I never will.

It is exceptionally difficult wearing the badges 'of honor' in life that we all do and dealing with general ignorance that comes with it. Being amazon tall makes me stand out and be seen... with this comes great responsibility. Not slouching creating body problems... not being afraid to be seen as strong, but it seems to only be alright if you are very thin... god forbid someone be tall and big! Being a plus size amazon goddess can truly be difficult at times... people always joke what kind of kool-aid I drank when I was little or what did I eat. Apparently I ate my fucking vegetables if I grew up like a Clydesdale huh prick face. The thing about me is I have struggled deeply with trying to maintain a 'healthy' body image since I was 8! Some people just have issues being able to take off and keep off weight.... it doesn't mean they are at home eating 2 boxes of cookies daily and eating only fast food, but maybe things are going on inside no one understands. I mean unless you literally see these people at McDonald's daily eating like 5 big macs and not trying to work out.

Now, being big and tall is one thing, but girl oh lordy if you have an opinion and aren't afraid to voice it god help you! It can be perceived as being pushy, rude, dominate, bitchy etc etc. If not being afraid to say what needs said makes me those things then so be it. If a man said 1/2 the shit I do on the regular he would be seen as a god... his friends would worship him. Especially if he was talking about adding bitches to the roster! Why can't a female who is completely comfortable with herself and who is being safe have the same lifestyle? Why is it not alright for me to openly say I am not exclusively dating someone, but I am going to enjoy the company of whomever I desire when I want? Please slut shame me doll and see how far that gets you! Why is being happily married the only thing that makes sense to people? Perhaps someday sometime I will find one man that can satisfy all my needs (mind, body, soul) and not need a roster, but until that time who really gives a fuck?

So, being a tall, big, boss ass bitch whom is opinionated and lives her life how she desires might seem dreamy enough, but then toss in tattooed and 'weird' and we add a whole different level of judgement. I have never understood why people make such an effort to discriminate against tattoos. In ancient times they were badges of honor, family, accomplishments. That is exactly how I see mine... they all are a memory good, bad and in between. Judging someone with tattoos is on the same grounds as judging someone by the color (race) of their skin. Pure ignorance! Now sprinkle in some weirdness and nerdiness and bam... we have our own special mixture of a person... Which just so happens to be The Jessica in this case.

Think of all the things you have gone through in your life and think how is stacks up to what society says is normal... now imagine how hard you have tried to mold yourself into what society wants and how angry that makes you feel. Instead of channeling that anger onto other people use that anger to either fuel yourself to those changes you want or to just say FUCK IT and be happy being you! I remember always feeling like I never stacked up and that something was very wrong with me when I was younger... as an adult I realize that some people are just meant to shine and it's your job to turn that energy back into light... let your light shine... and make sure that if someone is trying to unplug you are turn off your switch that you just toss them in the trash.

Valentine's Day... Schmalentine's Day

This time of year is always difficult for me... mostly for the fact that seeing couples so in love aggravates the hell out of me. Perhaps aggravate isn't the right word here, but more than anything it's that I have never had anyone feel truly, madly, deeply for me, as I have for them. This summer will mark 5 years on my own... sure I date here and there, but I never seem to find anyone that wants to make it past date #2 LOL I always seem to have the attention of men, yet none of them either deem me worthy or themselves worthy of me. I know my character is quite strong and I know what I desire in life, but Valentine's Day seems to be a reminder that for whatever reason I have not been truly loved.

Even when I was younger VDay always seemed disastrous to me. In elementary school I was gone one year on the wretched date and came back to mean notes about how I was already too fat and didn't need any candy so they took it all. Lovely... little heathen bastards. I can remember in junior high and high school dreading the day because I of course didn't have anyone... but there was always chocolates and flowers I sent myself :) Through most of my 20s there were a few terrible VDay dates that ended usually in tears or some curse worse and middle finger departure.

Now in my 30s I am starting to realize several things about myself... We accept the love we think we deserve being my major focus. I realize that I am exceptionally kind to myself... I love exactly who I am no matter what size I am that day. I love every hair on my head... even the 3-8 grey hairs starting to come in, as they usually do during this age. I love every curve, crease, thought line, scar, wrinkle, my skin, my mood changing eyes... my hips... my thighs... I have battle scars, more inside than out... and through all of the destruction and despair I have managed to build a solid foundation and perhaps a bit of a wall to protect what I have built in the last 5 years.

I am now realizing that this time alone has allowed for tremendous growth... I know know exactly what I want and I am not willing to sacrifice any part of me ever again for that. I imagine someday, somewhere, sometime that I will eventually find a true partner to share all this fabulousness with... but for now I am satisfied being who I am, where I am at. However, when I seem all the couples doing their couple type things I wonder what is that like to truly have a partner. Maybe I am just meant to be a lone wolf... maybe I am just meant to be your muse...

I'm Back Bitches...

Hey dolls!  I have finally returned from the depths... I have decided to learn to not give a fuck again about everyone else's meaningless shit.

Small update... I no longer promote or host concerts.

I am now a catlady... focused on my fitness journey. My blog will now mostly consist still of whatever the fuck I feel necessary for me to share to stay sane in my life :)

I spent much of the last couple years doing everything for everyone else that I think it is about time I give myself the attention I need :)

I had a situation about 16 months ago... emergency surgery happened... I didn't die... it was a thing... here is a picture

I think that it looks like a dragon egg... or a gnarly alien baby. When I was so high on morphine I am pretty sure I told the ultra sound guys that I was probed by aliens and this was a miracle baby. Sadly it was just a nasty tumor that was attached to my lady bits and wound around my organs. I suppose I was lucky it attached to nothing else and I can laugh about it now. I am officially naming my tumor Gertrude... she essentially gave me a wake up call and reminded me of what is important in life. Gertrude allowed me to spend my grandmas last year by her side as she fought/lost her battle with cancer, so for that I am forever grateful.  I got a new tattoo to remind me of Gertrude and that I need to remember when it is something trivial... I need to not give a fuck and save my time for things that really matter.

There's a picture of my interpretation of Gertrude and some tits... you're welcome :) 

For the first time in a long time I feel like the old me is back. Recently some of my man candies have told me I am not sweet anymore... and kind of a cunty bitch... well sunshine dolls... all I can say about that is treat others how you want to be treated. If perhaps I am being a bitch look at your actions... the things you say and do and consider the fact that sunshine and daisies do not truly shine out your anus. I am focusing on making myself better. Oh I am gorgeous the way I am? Fabulous... let me meet your friends then. Oh, they are busy that day... interesting. I am sorry that I am not acceptable for your friends to meet, but I am good enough for a night cap LOL 

My fitness and clean eating journey is going to be a long one... I need positive, real people to tell me how it is and be there to hug me. Also, I am weeding the fakes out now... so if I am not good enough now, you can kiss your chances goodbye doll when I am socially acceptable enough for you. So.... bye Felicia! ;) Oddly enough that has been my favorite phrase these days... it's just fun to say.... I don't know why, but just do it... out loud. Say it now... with some sass and snap those fingers honey!

I suppose that is enough for this update... stay posted for this Phat girls journey through the skinny, hate filled world we all know and love.

New Beginings

Christmas 2012

So here we are again… another year done and another letter to all of you. Hopefully you all realize exactly how wonderful you are and how you shape my life, even if we do not speak regularly. This year I wanted to have more fun and to try and keep up with those around me more… I have to say I didn’t do a good job at keeping up with everyone, so for that I have to say… opps my bad. The good news is you are getting a letter now which is filled with I’m sorry, I miss you and let me remind you how fabulous I am. One a serious note though… the reason I am so awesome I because I have such great people always in my life even if we are not close in distance. This year has brought a great many changes for me as far as friends, family and work. One of my dear friends moved in the fall all the way across the US… the last of the people left that allow me to be myself in public around them that were adults. Knowing that there was a huge opportunity there for them is great, but being left here alone was a tough cookie to swallow… and clearly looking at my ass you can see I love me some cookies. The good news with no adults to be obnoxious (myself) around is that means spending more time with the teens. Not having the arts kitchen open this year has been an odd feeling and the relationships I have made with the kids changes me daily. There is such sincerity and kindness given to me from them on a weekly basis. Essentially it’s like having 40 little brothers and sisters around that I actually like and respect. Hopefully my tough love changes some for the better and encourages others to not be afraid to step out proud of who they are. My family is growing and changing a lot too. It’s been a great year for all of them minus some minor health setbacks. My brother said damn the man and started his own insurance business this year in Vegas. My dad was promoted as the Director of Game Operations for the entire East West Shrine All Star Game in Florida. He is gone often, which automatically promotes me to SHBIC at work ;) For those that are unfamiliar that means… second head bitch in charge. LOL My mom is clearly still the HBIC when she is here. As for me... my life has been a crazy busy swirl of awesomeness… It keeps me from remembering there are nothing but idiots and mooches in this town and I should be happy alone  I work in the daytime with my family and then after work I set up tours for bands. I also, host shows here in town for bands touring. Klamath makes a bitching tour spot between California and Seattle. It gives the kids something to do and allows me the opportunity to make friends from all over the world. Music has always been my fun thing and my escape from the reality of adult hood. I shall forever be my own super hero… business by day and crazy metal head by night  It’s not an easy job at all… but I enjoy a challenge! (www.jcmbooking.com) (www.facebook.com/jcmbooking) This next year look like an even busier year as I am going to be restructuring my company and streamlining some things to make what I do easier… and pass it on to other people. This next year I will also be celebrating my dirty 30 in Vegas! People better be booking some flights and hotels to meet up and be silly with me and my random entourage <3 On a side note… if anyone can get me a reality show I would greatly appreciate it. I think if snooki and honey boo boo can have a show and make thousands of dollars for people to watch them be cray cray… then I should too!! I love you all and remember… Work what ya got… Smile because it confuses people (especially when you are pissed) and as RuPaul says ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else’!? Ohhhh and since it is winter time… don’t eat yellow snow!