Dear friends I come to you today with the answer to an ancient mystery of life... something so important that I might even be interviewed by someone important... or at least D-list quality!
I know some of you may wonder what the hell is she talking about... I am sure you all realize at this point in your life that I am a total, complete, massive fucking genius... so did I find the cure to cancer... did I discover a new planet... did I figure out what the true meaning of the 'new' 13th zodiac sign is? No! However, I did discover why women tend to be bitchy during the special time when her vaja-ja bleeds... Let's break it down for the men folk that can never understand... hence, why they are whiney, annoying babies when they even have a touch of the flu...
First off imagine gaining about 10 pounds in water in 1 day... waking up to fat feet... not being able to put on your favorite pair of shoes because you cannot get your damn foot in it. Trying to put on your favorite pair of jeans... jumping up and down, rolling around, laying on the bed, doing the worm - all just to get the fucking top botton buttoned and the zipper up before it pops off. Hoping you didn't just create the muffin top of the century you decide if it is worth the effort again to put spanks on... hoping then you do not create a little back roll... deciding to just say fuck it and wear a baggier shirt or sweater so you can actually breathe and not pass out around 1030am from lack of fluids, energy or air. Then you crave the most random things in the world... most of them 3 times your normal caloric intake... but comfort foods are the only thing that bring you happiness at that moment. After you go on your snack binge all day you realize yet again you cannot breathe in your jeans that were loose yesterday... wanting to cry because you now feel like a giant fatass float attached to some streamers and part of the Macy's Thanksgiving parade.
Now my personal favorite part of the whole exterience is shoving something up 'there' that is meant to hold enough liquid to fill a a small water bottle... if changing that is not enough... imagine the feeling of it filling up... dripping... oh and leaking all over... ruining a pair of panties or worse yet making an 'accident' appear (usually during an important part of the day). The thing most men do not understand is it is truly humiliating... you feel dirty, disgusting, ugly... SO - when we fish for compliments during this special time it's not because we are just shaming you into it... but because we desperately need them to not feel like a complete pile of shit.
So there is the 411 for our fabulous man friends <3
Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Institution of Love...
So over the last couple of months I have had a lot of people am just meeting or friends of mine discussing with me how I feel about marriage. For me this isn't something I can just give a simple one word answer to.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Christmas Letter 2011
Well folks… it has been another glorious year for me. I know I have not had much time to spend with each one of you, but that doesn’t mean I like you any less. Instead of writing in each card what has happened this year… I am taking the lazy way our and typing a letter. If you get one of these you should feel special though because I have taken the time to type, decorate, print, fold and mail it.
At the beginning of this year I had a few simple goals for myself… one was to see more shows… two was to have more fun and three, well three was suppose to lose a bit more weight. Two out of three ain’t that bad!
My year started out being with someone that didn’t deserve me… someone not even equal to what I dig out of my catbox everyday. I did learn some valuable life lessons through the failed relationship… and at my age anything new I learn is awesome! The thing we all need to remember in life is if we are doing things to please those around us instead of enjoying our life… we will die either resenting those who we let stand in our way… or we will die empty. I choose to do neither of those things and start doing exactly what I wanted to do this year… I saw a whole lot of live music!
This was definitely the year of music for me… I have gone to over 67 shows… seen over 290+ bands and met people that changed my life. I find nowadays that the experiences I have, the people I meet and the memories I make are the only true things we can have in this life. Cars break down, houses burn, but memories are always there to pluck out of your mind… to hold and cherish until you are senile and forget.
So, if some of you do not know I have my own marketing company I run in my ‘free’ time. I help with branding, logos, print media design and social media. I was fortunate enough to teach businesses how to use facebook for marketing at the Chamber of Commerce… I gotta say I never thought business people would be asking me how to market their company online! I branched out with my marketing company this year and added a new division… Booking & Management for bands. Since music is my passion and I am exceptional at marketing, organization and business in general… why not try and help talented people with their dreams as well. Most friends I have made in the last 5 years have ended up being in bands randomly enough… so why not! Although, this year is actually the first year where I feel like I am in the right place at the right time… everything I have been doing for the last 10 years has come together at the right time. I have been spending a lot of time in Portland this year too… for shows, but also to see more of my other family members/friends. I have decided eventually I need to move there… anyone that knows me can realize I am not a small town girl at all, nor have I ever been. This next year is going to be huge for me! I am launching my new updated website for my management and booking company in January… bringing on photographers and graphic designers to join the team and working with a new record label on 3 tours.
I think as long as you are honest with yourself and what you want out of life… even if you are struggling to live your dream… you are still way ahead of the game of life.
I hope you and yours are doing well and know that even if we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years… you are all in my thoughts!
At the beginning of this year I had a few simple goals for myself… one was to see more shows… two was to have more fun and three, well three was suppose to lose a bit more weight. Two out of three ain’t that bad!
My year started out being with someone that didn’t deserve me… someone not even equal to what I dig out of my catbox everyday. I did learn some valuable life lessons through the failed relationship… and at my age anything new I learn is awesome! The thing we all need to remember in life is if we are doing things to please those around us instead of enjoying our life… we will die either resenting those who we let stand in our way… or we will die empty. I choose to do neither of those things and start doing exactly what I wanted to do this year… I saw a whole lot of live music!
This was definitely the year of music for me… I have gone to over 67 shows… seen over 290+ bands and met people that changed my life. I find nowadays that the experiences I have, the people I meet and the memories I make are the only true things we can have in this life. Cars break down, houses burn, but memories are always there to pluck out of your mind… to hold and cherish until you are senile and forget.
So, if some of you do not know I have my own marketing company I run in my ‘free’ time. I help with branding, logos, print media design and social media. I was fortunate enough to teach businesses how to use facebook for marketing at the Chamber of Commerce… I gotta say I never thought business people would be asking me how to market their company online! I branched out with my marketing company this year and added a new division… Booking & Management for bands. Since music is my passion and I am exceptional at marketing, organization and business in general… why not try and help talented people with their dreams as well. Most friends I have made in the last 5 years have ended up being in bands randomly enough… so why not! Although, this year is actually the first year where I feel like I am in the right place at the right time… everything I have been doing for the last 10 years has come together at the right time. I have been spending a lot of time in Portland this year too… for shows, but also to see more of my other family members/friends. I have decided eventually I need to move there… anyone that knows me can realize I am not a small town girl at all, nor have I ever been. This next year is going to be huge for me! I am launching my new updated website for my management and booking company in January… bringing on photographers and graphic designers to join the team and working with a new record label on 3 tours.
I think as long as you are honest with yourself and what you want out of life… even if you are struggling to live your dream… you are still way ahead of the game of life.
I hope you and yours are doing well and know that even if we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years… you are all in my thoughts!
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Parade...
So... I am going to give my review of last nights Snowflake festival... be reminded my blog is highly inappropriate and rude at times :-) Enjoy!
First of all all it was cold as bald polar bear nuts in Alaska out last night... so that was pretty awesome.
There was a full parade... 100 entries and it appeared to me the whole town had come out (except most were in the damn parade). One thing that really bothered me was the fact that most of the floats or random people sauntering down the street were not labeled and had no signs. How the fuck am I suppose to know who you people are... maybe you were trying to get some amazing point across and change the world, but no one knew who the hell you were so your objective failed...
One thing I learned in my lovely small town is perhaps making snarky comments during the whole parade is not the best way to get people around you to be nice :-) For example when the Sons of Norway float went by with it's cute little vikings in a ship... Spitting out 'Oh wow... it's the white supremacy float... rad!' might not get a lot of people laughing - People now a days have no sense of humor. Perhaps saying ' thank god for Kfalls... because if that float had tried to enter into a parade in Eugene or Portland they would have been shot or denied entry... it's so nice to see all the colors of the rainbow represented here' might not have seemed funny to some people. Sarcasm really is under rated I tell ya!
Another thing I thought was rad was the way the head start bus was decorated... on a serious note that was one of the best decorated vehicle in the whole place... it had lights all over and glitter... it was glorious. I think the people around me thought I was making fun of special people because I said I would drive the fuck out of the short bus. I seriously just wanted to drive it around all lite up!
Something else people don't seem to appreciate is when you scream out 'holy fuck... look at that.. I want one... radsauce'!! There was this awesome giant snow plow with like tracks... that thing looks like it will go anywhere... I was thinking how awesome I should be to open the garage up and be able to plow my driveway in one swipe.
Now there were some high school bands there and I have got to say that Chiloquin High school surprise the shit out of me... there were like 45 kids in their band! I didn't even know that many kids went to that high school and they sounded great! Poor little mazama had about 15 kids and they sounded like a dying camel getting fucking by a dying goat.
All and all it was a pretty good night and I even got felt up by someone... whoever grazed my ass... thank you and Merry Christmas <3
First of all all it was cold as bald polar bear nuts in Alaska out last night... so that was pretty awesome.
There was a full parade... 100 entries and it appeared to me the whole town had come out (except most were in the damn parade). One thing that really bothered me was the fact that most of the floats or random people sauntering down the street were not labeled and had no signs. How the fuck am I suppose to know who you people are... maybe you were trying to get some amazing point across and change the world, but no one knew who the hell you were so your objective failed...
One thing I learned in my lovely small town is perhaps making snarky comments during the whole parade is not the best way to get people around you to be nice :-) For example when the Sons of Norway float went by with it's cute little vikings in a ship... Spitting out 'Oh wow... it's the white supremacy float... rad!' might not get a lot of people laughing - People now a days have no sense of humor. Perhaps saying ' thank god for Kfalls... because if that float had tried to enter into a parade in Eugene or Portland they would have been shot or denied entry... it's so nice to see all the colors of the rainbow represented here' might not have seemed funny to some people. Sarcasm really is under rated I tell ya!
Another thing I thought was rad was the way the head start bus was decorated... on a serious note that was one of the best decorated vehicle in the whole place... it had lights all over and glitter... it was glorious. I think the people around me thought I was making fun of special people because I said I would drive the fuck out of the short bus. I seriously just wanted to drive it around all lite up!
Something else people don't seem to appreciate is when you scream out 'holy fuck... look at that.. I want one... radsauce'!! There was this awesome giant snow plow with like tracks... that thing looks like it will go anywhere... I was thinking how awesome I should be to open the garage up and be able to plow my driveway in one swipe.
Now there were some high school bands there and I have got to say that Chiloquin High school surprise the shit out of me... there were like 45 kids in their band! I didn't even know that many kids went to that high school and they sounded great! Poor little mazama had about 15 kids and they sounded like a dying camel getting fucking by a dying goat.
All and all it was a pretty good night and I even got felt up by someone... whoever grazed my ass... thank you and Merry Christmas <3
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Dating...
Uh... I really enjoy being single and having the freedom to do what I want when I want, even if that means watching reality tv in a tank top and undies... it's all fun and games until someone asks you out on a date, or wants to introduce you to this great friend they know would be perfect for you. Fuck that shit bitches! Seriously if they are so perfect for me why haven't we met before at some function in which I currently enjoy? I don't know... call me negative or whatever you want, I am just so over the whole dating process. For the most part it is a bunch of bullshit anyway... sit there pretty, be polite, smile, laugh at lame jokes he tries to formulate awkwardly amongst the terrible conversation... I think it is quite possible that some people are not meant to meet their match for several years down the line. I think that when things are suppose to happen they will, so why force it. Friends are fabulous, especially when you are busy like me.
I guess I feel a lot of times in my tiny town no one gets me. It's hard spending most of your life somewhere feeling like an alien from another planet... people always staring, always whispering... I love who I am and though it is far from perfect I think I am doing a hell of a job at life. Most people in my town pretty much suck at life... not meaning to make anyone feel bad, but for real people are closed minded, they cannot see past the welcome sign of our town and choose not to realize there is a big world of amazing wonders and possibilities. Either that or they are a drug addict or alcoholic... it makes me sad being around so many people just wasting their life...
Bring that back into the subject of dating... I suppose I can be said to be picky. I do not see what is wrong with wanting someone that is not a drug addict, not an alcoholic, has a job, doesn't have several children with other women, doesn't have some random crazy mental disorder. Is it really that much to want a life partner that has a job, most all his teeth, some intelligence, humor and doesn't completely look tragic physically? I love a great smile and eyes...
So... as they say, back to the drawing board... I don't expect a man to have everything I have, but be able to handle exactly who I am with confidence and not puss out. If you tell me you think you are not good enough for me then you are right... have some confidence boys... man up and fucking bring your balls to the table when you come at me <3
I guess I feel a lot of times in my tiny town no one gets me. It's hard spending most of your life somewhere feeling like an alien from another planet... people always staring, always whispering... I love who I am and though it is far from perfect I think I am doing a hell of a job at life. Most people in my town pretty much suck at life... not meaning to make anyone feel bad, but for real people are closed minded, they cannot see past the welcome sign of our town and choose not to realize there is a big world of amazing wonders and possibilities. Either that or they are a drug addict or alcoholic... it makes me sad being around so many people just wasting their life...
Bring that back into the subject of dating... I suppose I can be said to be picky. I do not see what is wrong with wanting someone that is not a drug addict, not an alcoholic, has a job, doesn't have several children with other women, doesn't have some random crazy mental disorder. Is it really that much to want a life partner that has a job, most all his teeth, some intelligence, humor and doesn't completely look tragic physically? I love a great smile and eyes...
So... as they say, back to the drawing board... I don't expect a man to have everything I have, but be able to handle exactly who I am with confidence and not puss out. If you tell me you think you are not good enough for me then you are right... have some confidence boys... man up and fucking bring your balls to the table when you come at me <3
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
As most of you know I am a bit nutty anyway... so being woken up in strange ways isn't that odd for me. However, today was an exceptionally odd way to be woken up.
So, I wake up at 5am everyday to feed my cats (yes I realize they are spoiled) and then check emails etc. Today is was cold and feeling lazy, so I went back to bed. Twenty minutes into my warm coma I am jolted from my sexy dream to the sound of hissing, meowing, glass breaking and all out calamity. Holy hell... seriously someone has got to know better than try and break into my house at 530am right?... hello all the lights are on and the sun is coming up. So me being the genius I am decides the first thing I need to grab is no not a gun, but pants. What kind of maniac is going to confront someone naked right? LOL get some pjs on and get the gun... tip toeing from my room to the kitchen. I slowing peak around the corner to find Ebio on top of the fridge, Sofia on the counter running back and forth and Genevieve on the table... and a big fucking bird on top of my cabinets flapping its' wings. What the fuck... how did a giant fucking bird get in my house? Panicking I go check every window and door in my house... all locked and none broken. Next I check all the light fixtures - make sure none have been pushed down or broken. Then I remember in my laundry room I heard chirping a few days ago in the wall... somehow that fat fuck got into my soffet... hopped around and fell down into my interior wall (hence why everyone should insulate all your interior walls too) and broke through the sheetrock where my garage door handle slammed into a few months ago... there is not a 4" hold I need to patch - awesome.
Ok - so now I know it's a bird... poor thing is close to having a heart attack with 3 fats cats ready to rip its' pretty little head off... I need a plan. So - the plan was to get the cats into my bedroom, locks them up and somehow heard the bird with a broom out my front door. Good thing I already had some clothes on ;) Just imagine me: hair a mess... in pjs... front door open running up and down the hallway with a broom trying to get the damn bird out...
Just another day in the life of The Fabulous Miss Jessica <3
So, I wake up at 5am everyday to feed my cats (yes I realize they are spoiled) and then check emails etc. Today is was cold and feeling lazy, so I went back to bed. Twenty minutes into my warm coma I am jolted from my sexy dream to the sound of hissing, meowing, glass breaking and all out calamity. Holy hell... seriously someone has got to know better than try and break into my house at 530am right?... hello all the lights are on and the sun is coming up. So me being the genius I am decides the first thing I need to grab is no not a gun, but pants. What kind of maniac is going to confront someone naked right? LOL get some pjs on and get the gun... tip toeing from my room to the kitchen. I slowing peak around the corner to find Ebio on top of the fridge, Sofia on the counter running back and forth and Genevieve on the table... and a big fucking bird on top of my cabinets flapping its' wings. What the fuck... how did a giant fucking bird get in my house? Panicking I go check every window and door in my house... all locked and none broken. Next I check all the light fixtures - make sure none have been pushed down or broken. Then I remember in my laundry room I heard chirping a few days ago in the wall... somehow that fat fuck got into my soffet... hopped around and fell down into my interior wall (hence why everyone should insulate all your interior walls too) and broke through the sheetrock where my garage door handle slammed into a few months ago... there is not a 4" hold I need to patch - awesome.
Ok - so now I know it's a bird... poor thing is close to having a heart attack with 3 fats cats ready to rip its' pretty little head off... I need a plan. So - the plan was to get the cats into my bedroom, locks them up and somehow heard the bird with a broom out my front door. Good thing I already had some clothes on ;) Just imagine me: hair a mess... in pjs... front door open running up and down the hallway with a broom trying to get the damn bird out...
Just another day in the life of The Fabulous Miss Jessica <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
